Where do you go?

"Where do you go when you're lonely?"

It's a line from the song "When the Stars Go Blue." It is a statement that has always intrigued me. Today I thought about it again. And in the process, got this song stuck in my head for an entire day.

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But really? Where do you go? When you are lonely, or sad, or angry, or when you just have to work things out in your head?

The commencement of the new year has brought on many contemplative thoughts for me to sort through. It actually started a couple weeks ago and my mind is in overdrive trying to figure out what I'm really doing with my life and who I want to be.

At thirty, you'd think I'd have some of this figured out by now. Some of it I do. I'm married to an amazing man and have a beautiful and very clever daughter. We aren't going to have more kids, but that is a story for another day. I'm a writer who is in the process of editing my first novel. Honestly, life is pretty good.

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However, who I am, well, that is decided each and every day. Am I kind? Do I build others up or tear them down? Do I spent money on material possessions or is it the experiences I treasure more? Do I speak positivity into my life or complain? These are all questions with answers that change every day (sometimes by the hour) depending on to many things to even try to list.

So here I am, day two into 2016 and finding myself in a very introverted mood.

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Going back to this song...

"When the Stars Go Blue"

by Ryan Adams

Catchy isn't it?

Where do you go when you're lonely and feeling blue? Where do you go when you need to sort things out, make decisions or decide who you are going to be?

I go to words. I crack open a notebook or a new document and open the flood gates of my mind. I attempt to put my emotions and vague questions into words and ideas that I can share with the world. I create fictional characters and situations to explore the depths of development that otherwise stay in my head.

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I've said it many times on this blog that if I don't write I would be insane or at the very least eternally depressed. This is my altar, it is where I go with my problems and prayers. It is where I think the best and where everything somehow starts making sense (at least as much as it is ever going to.)

Where do you go?

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I believe everyone has a talent or passion that they continuously go back to. I know people who think better with a soccer ball under their feet or a violin resting under their chin. Some go to a blank canvas that is in need of shapes and color. Others to create code that brings the magic of gaming to life. Some seek out churches or gardens. Some cook, other's travel, or sing or dance or take pictures. There is no limit to the things possible to achieve this same therapy when it comes to life.

No matter how good our life is there is always a moment that hits us where we question everything. Where we lose confidence in ourselves and sometimes even those around us. Sometimes life comes at us fast or changes without warning and we don't know how to react. We get overwhelmed and feel conquered.

This instagram post featuring One Tree Hill character Peyton Sawyer says it best...

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All we need to do is breathe.

And write. Or read. Or play. Or sing. Or dance. Or code. Or cook. Or go have a night out with friends. Or...

Where do you go?

The Mortality Realization

On Thursday, September 24, a fatal accident happened in Seattle. A "Duck Boat" swerved running into a charter bus carrying students to sight see in Seattle.

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Ride A Duck is an organization that creates a fun atmosphere to tour a city on an amphibious military grade vehicle that goes on both land and water. The Duck Boats in Seattle, a common sight to see in the city, go through downtown and across the Aurora Bridge to eventually putter around Lake Union. It is a fun adventure that we have been on twice now in Seattle and once in Boston.

Yesterday while going across the narrow Aurora Bridge one Duck Boat collided with a Charter Bus full of North Seattle College students, including several international students, killing four and injuring several more, about eight severely.

I debated about writing on this topic. I couldn't decide whether to comment on it or just let it go and quietly work out my own emotions. Tragedies happen all the time, usually when we least expect it. I mean, there is nothing you can do to prevent something like this. The Duck Boats are all inspected each morning by members of the Coast Guard before they are allowed to operate. Everything was cleared that morning. Sometimes there are just accidents. Sometimes those accidents are fatal.

That is scary.

Like really scary.

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I put my daughter on the bus every morning and wait for her in the afternoon and all I can do is trust that she will be okay out there in the big bad world. I go to work in the mornings and hope the same thing. Same for my husband and my mom and all my other family and friends that I care about.

I actually have a hard time reading the news (and sometimes Facebook) because stuff like this comes up all the time. I have a hard time dealing with mortality. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

We live in a cruel world and life is not a guarantee. I guess that's why I decided to write about this, because I realize that we can't be afraid of the unexpected. It happens, it sucks and there is nothing you can do to prepare for it. But, that just makes life that much greater. We will not live forever. Every moment we spend with family and friends and for ourselves is vital. Both parties on either vehicle in this wreck were looking forward to a relaxing day touring the city. Neither suspected their life would change (or end) that day.

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My heart goes out to all those affected by this accident. There has been a huge outpouring of aide from the community, including the Woodland Zoo and several restaurants opening it's doors and serving food to first responders and others involved in the crash.

A few articles about the wreck:
The Seattle Times
King 5 (Local News)
CNN

And just because life is full of coincidences, I also want to share this video title "Adieu" that we watched last night on "Hit Record on TV" starring Joseph Gordon Levitt. It is in French and about death...just watch:

So take that one last hug before you leave, give that one last kiss before bed and you can never say "I love you" too much.

What is Normal Anyway?

For the last, going on, four weeks now, I've been waiting for that normal routine where I will be able to get so much writing done and I will feel great and rested and well...sane. However, it's been one thing after another preventing my perfect schedule from becoming a reality.

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First, there was a week of free time between summer camp and school. That week was planned for and I looked forward to all the time with Zoey. But then the teacher's strike happened, adding 6 more days that Zoey was home when she was supposed to be in school. I enjoyed the time with her, but we had no routine because she could go back to school any day. So it ended up being a free for all where we looked for things to do and in the end beat her Skylanders Trap Team video game that she got for her birthday with of all that extra time.

Finally, she got back into school, but there was an issue with transportation. For an unknown reason, the bus wasn't picking her up in the morning and arriving extremely late bringing her home in the afternoon. This caused me great stress and time trying to figure out what was going on and what we could do about it. This is still an issue going into the third week of school.

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Just to top things off, my work schedule was changed this week due to an overnight shift to complete inventory. The evening went well enough, but it always messes up my internal clock. It got my non-existing routine off even further because my body has an unusually lethargic process to get back into the order of day and night. I felt tired and off for a couple days after that one. I'm so thankful that I was working part time or I couldn't imagine the stress I would have had during the strike. As it stood, we managed, only sacrificing routine (and writing time).

So now it's been a good three weeks since normal, and only about four weeks since my part time schedule kicked in. I still haven't had this magical time where I can write and get everything else done. I still feel overwhelmed and off balanced.

So, I propose this question...

What is normal anyway?

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I'm beginning to think "normal" is a fairy tale, an imaginary place, that we can only dream about. Thus, I'm done letting my circumstances and timing control me. I'm tired of letting things happen to me. It's time to be proactive! I'm going to sit down and make it work. So here I am, at a computer once again and let me tell you...it feels good to write.

Focus on the other hand is still a problem, but hey...baby steps.

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Looking back on my posts, I'm publishing about once a week. I want to make that three times a week. However, what you don't see are all the words going into Google Docs that make up my novel. That is what I'm really excited about. I still put thoughts on a page, but it is different to really get into the story and spend time developing characters and plot. I'm looking forward to getting into the heart of my story.

And we'll see what ends up on my blog. I love the space for thoughts and rants like this. I would usually hesitate to post something like this, but the more writers and artists I meet the more I see that these trivial things, like real life, get in the way of our creative ambitions. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in the distractions and the quest to balance family, work, social life and the need to express myself creatively. I hope to be encouraging to someone else who is going through a hard time trying to balance everything. This is my outlet, my communication and my way to understand things, including my own confusing emotions. I'm not perfect, far from it, but I'm trying. Sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's hard. But no matter what it is, let's do it together. You are not alone, and neither am I.

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So what is normal? I believe normal is whatever we want it to be. I don't like feeling overwhelmed and my fear is that is becoming "normal." I want to change that. So, here I am writing it down and demanding a change of myself. No more fretting about getting things done. It all happens in it's own time. It's time to take a step back, write it down, take a deep breath, edit what I wrote down and begin all over again.

So here it is...imperfections and all. What is your normal? Does it need to change?

The Incredible Phone Debacle

This is a true story...

We had just gotten back from a vacation to the east coast to visit our family and friends. It was a great trip, but it was nice to be home. I wasn't really incredibly excited to go back to work at Old Navy (I mean is anyone really excited to go back to work after a two week vacation?) I decided to dress up a little bit to give me a little extra confidence and a bounce in my step. Since it wasn't a shipment day, I decided to wear a denim skirt with a cute top.  It worked. The day was going really well, which gave me a huge boost about being back at work after two weeks. I went to lunch, came back in the building and used the bathroom before I went back on the floor.

I put my name tag on and reached for my phone which lived in my back pocket and it wasn't there. I freaked out on the inside (mostly because this isn't the first time I've lost my phone in the past year.) "It's got to be here somewhere" I think to myself. So, I started retracing my steps. I began in the break room and headed down to the floor. I looked in the bathroom, and even asked the person coming out if they saw a phone in there. Of course not. I went back outside to the spot I was sitting in the park looking all along the sidewalk as I went. Nothing. Nothing was turned in at the store. No one had seen anything. Damn.

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With my head bowed, I called Stephen. "You're going to kill me, but (deep breath) I can't find my phone."

Now let me take just a moment here so that you understand. Like I said before, this is not the first time I've lost my phone in the past year. The first time was on the day of my Old Navy interview and I left it in a Nordstrom bathroom by accident. It wasn't two minutes later I was in there looking for it and it was gone. Someone had stolen it. A very similar story to this one actually.

Stephen had been giving me a hard time about it since it happened (as he should). But I knew I couldn't let anything happen to this phone and I did. I felt terrible and defeated when I called Stephen from one of my co-workers phones.

Let me just say, I have the best husband ever. He knew I was serious as soon as the words escaped my mouth. However, not once did he say anything mean or joke about my perpetual stolen phone scenario. He just went into action.

"Did you check in your bag and coat?"
"Yes."
"Did you check where you had been this afternoon?"
"Yes."
"Even on the sidewalk?"
"Yes."
"Did you ask to see if someone turned a phone in?"
"Yes."
"Okay."
"Okay."

He began tracking my phone online. I love that feature. We determined it had for sure come back to Old Navy with me so as I thought, it fell out of my skirt in the bathroom, I simply didn't notice. We also determined that someone had it because it was walking down 3rd Ave and I was still standing in Old Navy on 5th.

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At this point I let my managers know what was going on. One manager offered to go with me and see if we could get it back. I stayed on the phone with Stephen (a huge thanks to my co-worker who lent me her phone.) We walked and Stephen set the ringer to go off as loud as it could for five minutes at a time. We looked and listened and found nothing. I was so sad and defeated when Stephen told me the person got on a bus because it was now 5 blocks south. We went back to Old Navy and I hung up with Stephen. I took a deep breath and then found the most monotonous task I could find and just kept working.

We had bricked my phone, meaning that no one could do anything with it. It had an elaborate password set to it so it couldn't even be opened. On top of that, Stephen wrote a message on the front screen that read (in capital letters) "THIS PHONE IS STOLEN, PLEASE RETURN TO OWNER." He added a link to his phone number, though that didn't do much good because we disabled the sim card so that no data or signal to get to the phone. When we did that, it was last tracked in West Seattle, which is a good 10 miles away.

Now don't get me wrong, I know that it was just a phone. It was a thing, something that could be replaced. I was upset, not distraught over this occurance. Mostly I was just annoyed, especially with myself for allowing it to happen (again) in the first place.

Anyone who has a smart phone that they use on a regular basis will understand this... not having that phone SUCKS! It is my alarm clock, my music player, my way to communicate (through phone and text), my entertainment, my link to the world through Facebook and news apps, and my way to get around town (with google maps and the bus schedule app). It has everything that I do and use on a daily basis in that one device. It was so much harder without it, so frustrating!

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I woke up the next day mad at the world. I was cursing before I even got in the shower. Frankly, I'm surprised I got up at all using a different alarm. But I did. I got dressed and I went to work and I endured the day. It was a hard day.

That evening I get a message from a co-worker on Facebook... "Hey Amanda! Your phone is at work!"

WHAT!?!

My phone is at work? That can't be! It was stolen, gone forever. Now it's at work? It can't be mine. But another co-worker (the one whose phone I borrowed) called Stephen to let us know as well and promised that it was mine.

I went to bed that night with a glimmer of hope. I didn't want to get my hopes up. Nonetheless, I hadn't been that excited to go to work in a long while. I got there and found my phone in the office on a charger! My Old Navy people are the most amazing in the world! Not only did they find it to give it back, they even charged it for me. [insert cheesy grin here]

I was on cloud nine all day because I got my phone back. I couldn't believe it!

Turns out, the person who stole it came back to Old Navy and put the phone back in the bathroom. One of the Old Navy associates found it in the bathroom and was like, "This is Amanda's phone." So I still have no idea who took it or what they hoped to gain from it, but honestly, I don't really care. I'm just so glad to have my phone back.

It's just as good as new too. It wasn't tampered with at all. It was still locked and not even damaged physically. Stephen (as the primary on the plan) got it recoverd and back on the network with a new sim card and now it works perfectly as if nothing happened at all. I am so lucky.

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Who ever it was that stole it, shame on you, but thank you for doing the right thing in the end and returning it, even anonymously. It saves me a lot of headache, frustration and money to get a new one.

At the end of those couple days, I felt like I was in a book or sitcom. I mean you can't write stuff this good. In fact, don't be surprised if a similar story comes up in my fiction in the future, I mean, I have to use this!

This instance also got me thinking. It is an interesting thing, my faith and contempt for humanity. I mean, there is so much violence and distruction it is hard to believe in the good of this world. But there are also so many instances where people help each other out just because it was needed at the time.

When my phone was stolen, I was furious with this unknown person for being so selfish and cruel. However, when it came back, even anonymously, I realized that everyone is going through their own struggles and we all walk a balance of self gain and self sacrifice.

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It gives me hope that this person did the right thing in the end and returned the phone, even if it was after realizing there was nothing to gain from the situation. Still, he or she could have been flippant or lazy and just toss it. Instead he or she made the trek back into the city to leave it where he or she stole it from. There is hope and good in this world. Sometimes, we just need to look a little harder for it and have faith that others will make the right decisions. In the meantime, we need to make the right decisions and realize that our actions and attitudes affect those around us.

Amanda

24 Things to Always Remember

I'm not sure where I found this list anymore, but as I was looking through an old notebook it made me smile.

I wrote this list down back in the times of chain emails...remember those? I don't really get things like that through emails anymore. Now all I get are sales ads and the occasional doctor's appointment reminder. It is strange how things change. I mean, who even needs email anymore when we have Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat. I still have email (I mean you kind of have to so you can log into all the other things) and do occasionally use it for personal coorespondence, but come one, Facebook is so much easier.

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Anyway, enough reminicing. On to the list of...

24 Things to Always Remember

1. Your presence is a present to the world.

2.  You are unique and one of a kind.

3. Your life can be what you want it to be.

4. Take the days just one at a time.

5. Count your blessings, not your troubles.

6. You'll make it through with whatever comes along.

7. Within you are so many answers.

8. Understand, have courage, and be strong.

9. Don't put limits on yourself.

10. So many dreams are waiting to be realized.

11. Decisions are too important to leave to chance.

12. Reach for your peak, your goal, your prize.

13. Nothing waste more energy than worrying.

14. The longer one carries a problem the heavier it gets.

15. Don't take things too seriously.

16. Live a life of serenity.

17. Not a life of regrets.

18. Remember that a little love goes a long way.

19. Remember that a lot goes forever.

20. Remember that friendship is a wise investment.

21. Life's treasures are people together.

22. Realize that it's never to late to do ordinary things in an extraordinary way.

23. Have health, hope and happiness.

24. Take the time to wish upon a star.

And don't forget for even a day how very special you are!

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These are all good tips for a healthier, happier, similar life. But right now number three stands out to me: Your life can be what you want it to be. 

I have dealt with identity issues in the past, especially while being a stay at home mom trying to keep up with pintrest perfection. The secret is ... you can't. Well, I can't. It is not something that makes me happy. It makes me fake. I hate being fake. I love a little bit of chaos, which you can tell by our house bursting full with arts and craft projects. They will never be Pintrest worthy, but they are made in love. 

I want to live more simply and have more confidence. The only way I'm going to achieve those things is if I am brave and embrace myself, just as I am.

My dilemma right now is home/work balance. I'm excited that my life can be what I want it to be. I want to write more, like I'm doing now. And I want to spend all of these precious moments with my family that I can. Zoey is going to be 6 in just a couple weeks. I can't believe it! Life goes by so fast, I want to stop and appreciate it. I'm still working on the balance. I'm not sure that I will ever stop trying to find the balance I need to fulfill every part of my life. But the important thing is that I am trying and I am open to change. I am living intentionally to make my life what I want it to be. 

It is a good life. 

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Amanda

{Life's Archives} Moving to Seattle!

I've been reading a lot of things I've written days, months and even years ago...in some cases over a decade ago. It is interesting to see who I was then and who I became over time (both in short and long term). I am interesting in keeping these thoughts and sharing some of them. I am calling this series "Life's Archives" because it is a place where I can revisit thoughts I've had in the past, even if they contradict thoughts I hold now.

The first one I found is actually not that old. This is what I wrote about our move to Seattle almost 8 months ago. I was so excited about our move.

Written on June 8, 2014

It is official, Stephen has accepted a job with Amazon! That means we will be moving to Seattle in just a few short weeks. I am so excited and I can't believe it is happening all at the same time.

First of all, just the fact that this move is exciting and not terrifying is a magnificent testament to God working in my life. I have been fearful to try new things and go new places for as long as I can remember. God has transformed me in the past couple years into someone who can be brave. That has been my mantra this year, to do something brave everyday. The year isn't even halfway over yet and it has already accumulated into something huge! A change that I really do need bravery for, not only for myself, but for my whole family.

This really is huge because I have never been to the west coast. I have not been further west than Treasure Island, FL, where we were married. We looked it up, that is technically further west than Johnson City, TN where we have family, which is the other western most point I have been. However, I am not afraid. I see it as a wonderful adventure where I get to learn a new city and explore a whole new part of the country.

The only truly sad part is leaving my friends behind. I've made some amazing friends here and I will miss them greatly.

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It's simple and beautiful and still true. I'm not sure I ever finished my thought, but it is fun to look back on the anticipation of moving and smile. Needless to say, everything worked out wonderfully. My family loves this city, I absolutely do. I have changed so much in many ways since I moved here. It feels like a positive direction...at least I have joy, peace and confidence in a way I hadn't before. I do miss my friends still. Honestly, I hope I always will.

I believe it is a good experiment to look back at who you were to realize how far you have come. 

I look forward to revisiting more thoughts like this one - time will tell.

NFL Championship Game Day!

Football plays a big part of life in our house. We all settle in the living room every Sunday (as well as most Monday and Thursday nights) to watch the NFL play. We cook lots of food and enjoy the family time.

Stephen is a die hard Patriots fan. I've never really had a strong alliance to any one team. My Grandfather cheered for the Redskins and the Panthers were the local team where I grew up. But neither of those teams captured my spirit. So, for the last nine years (the number of football seasons Stephen and I have known each other now) I've been cheering for the Patriots.

However, this year we moved to Seattle. Turns out they have a pretty amazing football team. Say good enough to win the Superbowl last year.

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Stephen is still a die hard Patriots fan. However, my loyalties have wavered. Not just because the Seahawks won the super bowl last year, but because they are a benevolent group of guys. The entire organization plays an integral part in the community.

Seahawks players, Sea Gals and staff visit patients at local hospitals during the holidays and distribute Seahawks holiday goods to the patients:

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Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman and his foundation, Blanket Coverage, hosted 25 families at the VMAC and surprised them with Christmas gifts:

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Quarterback Russell Wilson is a regular face in the Seattle's Children's hospital. The hospital's patients give him a big thank you for his support and encouragement:

I am humbled and proud to live in this city where so many people are trying to make a difference in the world. The Seahawks provide a rallying point for the community. The entire city becomes infected with pride and joy at watching the Seahawks play. Whether they play well or poorly, their fans are there cheering them on and giving a roar to the game. The players and the community win together and lose together...Seattle is the 12th man.

I love this video. The artists are local and shot this video all around Seattle. Zoey's school is even featured in it (the playground) though Zoey does not appear. It shows a glimpse of the spirit found everywhere in Seattle:

Thankfully, the Patriots are AFC and the Seahawks are NFC so Stephen and I are not often at odds in our football alliances. However, today is a special day. Both teams are only one game away from making the Superbowl. Today I will cheer for the Seahawks and then later for the Patriots. I have full respect for New England's powerhouse as well.

It will be a great day in the McCusker household. Full of football, super awesome nachos and lots of cheering (hopefully no booing).

Super Awesome Nacho Dip -- Thank you Stephen!

Waking up today brought a torrential downpour. It was raining so hard our patio couldn't drain it fast enough. It rains a lot in Seattle, but it doesn't often rain hard. It is more like a constant wetness and drizzle as opposed to the sky falling out. Today though, it shall be a good day in football with a wet and intense game.

I like it when the Seahawks play at home, it's always fun to hear your weather report on National television.

The view outside our window this morning.

The city is ready, I am ready and the game is starting...

The Seattle Space Needle
Photo by Stephen McCusker

Go Seahawks!

Go Pats too because Seahawks vs. Patriots would be the perfect Superbowl! I would win either way.

Woohoo, I love football season!

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UPDATE:

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Well that day of football could not have gone better! The Seahawks battle back from behind for a magnificent win! The Patriots dominated the entire game to a glorious triumph. It was a great day of football and it leads to quite the matchup in a couple weeks. Patriots vs. Seahawks in the Superbowl...it is a win win for me and I am so excited!

Observations About City Life

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This summer my family made the 3,000 mile move across the country from Charleston, SC to Seattle, WA. I had no idea how much it would change me and the way I think about things, especially myself.

I now want to launch into a post about my self discovery. It is a good one, but I'll save it for later. Instead, I want to describe some of the things I've notice about living in the city. I am a country girl, but I have always wanted to live in the city. As most great things, the opportunity came when I least expected it. I really wanted to like living in the city, thankfully I was not disappointed.

Living in the city reminds me a lot of being on campus at college. Granted, though it was large, I went to a university out in the middle of nowhere. It was a city, but only a very teeny tiny one. However, there are a lot of similarities. For example, we use buses to get everywhere. When I was in college it was to commute from the parking lots to the classes. In the city, it is from my apartment (to the closet bus stop) to wherever it is I am going. Today I was thinking about all of this while sitting on the bus on the way to the library, which would otherwise be quite a long walk.

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I am also reminded of campus life because everyone, young and old, walk around the city with headphones in their ears. This happens everywhere in college, everyone goes about their day listening to their own soundtrack. It is quite the phenomenon if you think about it. Somehow listening to music makes you feel less alone while you navigate through the day. Any of the people with headphones in will still often acknowledge and talk to you so it isn't fully a means to alienate, it is simply the lifestyle. Everyone accepts it, most do it.

Everyone being so close to each other reminds me of college too. When I lived in the suburbs (so most of my life up to this point), you see people when you get to places. If you go to the library you see people there. If you go to the grocery store, you see people there. If you want to see a friend, you go to their house. My point is this...you don't see people in between. You get in the car and you arrive at your destination. Yes, you see other cars, but not the people in the cars. In the city, there are people everywhere all the time. You see people as you walk, as you arrive and as you leave. People are just closer, they're everywhere, and it is completely normal to have others see you.

Everything is closer. After college, one of the things I always missed was the fact that you were closely surrounded by everything and everyone you needed. The store was close, the coffee shop was close and your friends were close. In the city, everything is close. The store is close (a convenient store is even closer). There are three coffee shops withing two blocks of my apartment (more as you travel closer to the heart of the city). The best part is that my friend is right next door. Even the library, that I complained was such a far walk is still only a mile and a half away.

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I love it. I am glad I do, I really wanted to love it. In fact, I fall more and more in love everyday. I love the weather, the people, the culture and the freedom. There is a beautiful freedom of being seen by others while being you. There is no need to hide because you are in plain sight, with everyone else being unique and themselves.

One thing that has really stood out to me this week is how living in the city makes you the background in many other people's stories. Everything is closer and you see more people. Well, those people also see you. As they go through their day, doing their routine with their own drama and purpose, they see you. You are an extra in their life. They see you walking on the road. They see you on the bus. They see you at the coffee shop. How often have you commented on people you see out and about - what they wear, how they act, where they are going? How many people have commented on you? I understand that this is a thought that could disturb some. However, it comforts me. It lets me know that I am here, I have a story, I have a purpose. I am okay with being an extra in someone else's life. After all, they are just trying to get through the day, same as me.

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Living in the city has given me more confidence in being myself. I am not afraid to choose. I am not afraid to be bold. I am learning to be brave. This is something that began before I moved, but I don't think I would have gotten where I am now without this move. This transition has made it all possible in a way that I can't describe.

It is still life. There are still good days and bad. There are still happy moments and lonely ones. I don't think those things ever change, no matter where you are. However, the city has brought me to life in a way I never expected. For that, I am forever thankful.

Have you ever experienced city life? What are your observations? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

Just One Of Those Days

I feel sort of sad today. I don't really know why. I just feel down. Specifically, I feel like I'm not good enough. Again, I don't know why. No one really put me down or insulted me. There was no epic failure or bad moment in the day. However, at the end of the day I still feel down.

Do you ever have days like that? I think everyone does, if they are honest. Days or moments when you just feel down or not good enough?

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I am generally a very happy and positive person. I generally write about uplifting things. Today, however, I feel led to share this feeling. I believe I'm not the only one who could benefit from a few minutes of reflection and (hopefully) inspiration.

Today was a normal day filled with normal things. I go up, but missed my quiet time. Honestly, that could have had a big impact on the day right there. I am not what you would call a morning person. Most mornings, I just want to hit the snooze button and keep on sleeping. I find though, that those quiet morning when I can wake up, enjoy my cup of coffee, and begin my day with my thoughts in order, the day runs much smoother. On days, like today, when I miss that, I feel unorganized and frankly in a state of chaos. So, point one for feeling sad...lack of quiet time.

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Moving right one along in my day. I stay at home with my daughter. I have for the last 5 years (ever since she was born). I have enjoyed it greatly. I like to believe she has too. However, she is beginning school in just a handful of days now and that changes things. I am now getting slowly more and more excited about the idea of getting a job. Of course, I've been completely dragging my feet on the whole preparation of it, but I am still excited about it. So I think I have some guilt over not moving forward more quickly or confidently about this.

Next comes dishes, laundry and general cleaning. As a mom and one who is responsible for the house, I have to admit, I hate doing most of these things. It's not even really the act itself, it is simply the never ending cycle of it all. I put the same dishes up every day. I wash the same laundry and put it up, just to do it all over again. This gets exasperating. I know I cannot be the only soul who dislikes chores. We just moved so all of my routines are still not set yet. I feel like I am always behind. I am always needing to sweep, even if I just did it earlier in the day. The dishes continue to pile up, even when I just washed some. The laundry is a never ending cycle that just becomes depressing. We are still working on where things go and how chores will be distributed among the family. So right now, I just feel like I'm am constantly picking up something, most of the time something I never got out.

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So it gets to the end of the day where I feel like we spent to much money on groceries, my daughter is non-stop needing something or the other, feeling guilty on not doing more to advance my career, involved in a never ending cycle of cleaning and a lack of quiet (mommy) time. It's the end of the day and I am drained, tired, and just a little sad.

The beauty of all of this is that we all have days like this. There are always moments that are a little depressing and lack of luster. However, this is not my life. My life is full of joy and peace. I am content. I love my family. I love this new city we are in. I love our little apartment. I am thankful for so many things. I realize, it is okay to be sad sometimes. I can allow myself to honestly feel it.

At the same time, I don't need to wallow in it. I don't need to wake up tomorrow feeling sad. I don't need to live my life depressed because in one moment I feel tired and drained. Instead, I will relax tonight. Set aside all of my worries. I will pour a glass of wine and watch a movie or read a book, something I've been wanting to do.

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We all have "one of those days," but I don't have to look back and regret anything about my life. I want to always remember how much I am loved, not only by my family and friends, but by God. Jesus lived and died so that we could have life and have it abundantly (John 10:10). I want to thank Him for that by living a life of joy and kindness. Even when I'm tired and worn down to the bone, it doesn't mean I treat my family as less. It means I let them know I need some time and then take it.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." ~Matthew 11:28

Jesus knew that life was not always red velvet cupcakes and rainbows. He knew life was tough. He knew that even when his disciples had peace and joy, they would still face hardships. He said to come to Him. He didn't say lash out to others or wallow in self-pity. He said to come. Any one who is weary or carries burdens could come and tell him all about it. When the conversation was finished, there would no longer be weariness, there would no longer be worry. Instead, you would find rest. Jesus can carry our burdens. Jesus can refill our hearts to overflowing. We all get tired, even He did. But, He is the Son of God and He can carry burdens that would drive us mad. When we give him our tired days, He gives us exactly what we need...rest. Sometimes that is all we need, someone to listen and care how we feel even when it feels unjustified. Jesus is always there and He will give you rest when you reach out to Him.

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I pray that when you have "one of those days" that you will reach out to Him and not sit in misery. I pray also, that I will continue to reach out to the One who provides rest for my soul. I do not need to live in depression or fear. I want to be free and live my life to the fullest with joy and peace. I do have sad moments, but I do not live a sad life. I live a life for the Creator. I live a life that is meant to share kindness and joy with everyone I meet. I pray that you find your light in the One who says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." I pray that on "those days" you (and I ) take Him at His word and go and receive the best give He could possibly give, a heart that is free of stress and depression and filled with joy and peace on the best of days and the worst. Thank you Lord for all that you have done. Amen.

{Garden Tales} Green Thumb?

One of my favorite things about spring is planting a garden. This year we made some drastic changes to our previous gardens. We moved it in the front yard (because we couldn't keep our dogs from eating the plants.) We made raised beds. And we planted more than we ever have before!

We began this project in March and finished planting the first week in April. It has been just over a month and I want to share the progress. I put the planting photo on the left and the recent photo on the right. (I actually took all these more recent pictures last week...it's amazing the difference a week can make because there is already more veggies coming in!) So the difference is really about 5 weeks (give or take a few days.)

Garden Bed 1

In this first garden bed, I planted from top to bottom: tomatoes, bell peppers, cabbage and sweet onions. Tomatoes and peppers are our favorite things to grow because we use them in everything. This bed is the least complicated and is one of the best growing. Everything is really coming along nicely.

Garden Bed 2

This bed has (from top to bottom): tomatoes, jalapenos, broccoli, flowers and basil. A couple of the broccoli plants died quickly so we replaced them with catnip on the left and chives on the right. Out of four small catnip plants only one survived, so I will probably put something else there soon. The chives, however, are doing quite well. I believe our flowers are getting too much late afternoon sun. It seems the ones in the front of the beds (which gets more afternoon sun) are withering and the ones in the back of the beds (which get more morning sun) are doing great. I am most excited by our basil in this bed because it is our most used herb. We are encouraging them to grow in bush-like form by harvesting from the top. I am very pleased to already be using most of our herbs!

Garden Bed 3

From top to bottom in this bed we have tomatoes, habanero, chili pepper, flowers, spinach, peppermint, cilantro, and flowers. We are having no luck at all with the spinach. With only the exception of a few spinach sprouts, we have replaced it. The spinach is one of the few plants we began from seeds, though it is the only one that failed in such epic fashion. It was replaced with dill on the left and sage on the right. So far, so good. The sage is especially taking off.

Garden Bed 4

This garden bed has (from top to bottom): cucumbers, zucchini, yellow squash, parsley, flowers, oregano and rosemary. The squash family is especially taking off. There are already several flowers budding of them, though it is hard to see in the picture for the leaves. The parsley is also doing great. We have used all the herbs so far.

Garden Bed 5

This final bed has (from top to bottom): bush green beans, flowers, iceberg lettuce, flowers, lavender and strawberries. The beans were from seeds and sprouted really quickly. They seem to be doing wonderfully. They are just now starting to flower, so hopefully we will begin to see little beans soon. The lettuce was also from seeds and it is doing okay. We have never had very good luck with lettuce, but we wanted to try it in our new garden. We'll see. All the plants are growing, but I don't know how much we will actually be able to harvest. I love having the lavender right by the door. I get a whiff of it every time I leave or enter the house and it is so calming and happy. And it is thriving! Last time I tried lavender it died almost immediately, but this time it is beautiful! The strawberries are wonderful. We have already eaten three off of it. Zoey was excited to eat the first one a couple weeks ago right before her baseball game.

Zoey still helps me water the garden all the time, but this picture was taken right after we planted.

I absolutely love our garden. I don't have a green thumb. I have been know to kill flower plants in days. However, it seems that when I can harvest food and herbs from it, I do okay at keeping it alive at least. It is a wonderful thing for Zoey and I to work on together during the week. We go outside and weed, adjust and water the plants at least two or three times a week. It is nice to get outside because of course when we are done we play, which is always a joy.

I am glad to share this love of gardening with Zoey at such a young age. My mom and dad shared a love of gardening with me ever since I was born. I loved being outside with them helping out and reaping the benefits with a plenty of fresh grown veggies. I am glad I can teach Zoey what my parents taught me and be excited with her as we learn about and experience nature.

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Happy Spring!