Where do you go?

"Where do you go when you're lonely?"

It's a line from the song "When the Stars Go Blue." It is a statement that has always intrigued me. Today I thought about it again. And in the process, got this song stuck in my head for an entire day.

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But really? Where do you go? When you are lonely, or sad, or angry, or when you just have to work things out in your head?

The commencement of the new year has brought on many contemplative thoughts for me to sort through. It actually started a couple weeks ago and my mind is in overdrive trying to figure out what I'm really doing with my life and who I want to be.

At thirty, you'd think I'd have some of this figured out by now. Some of it I do. I'm married to an amazing man and have a beautiful and very clever daughter. We aren't going to have more kids, but that is a story for another day. I'm a writer who is in the process of editing my first novel. Honestly, life is pretty good.

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However, who I am, well, that is decided each and every day. Am I kind? Do I build others up or tear them down? Do I spent money on material possessions or is it the experiences I treasure more? Do I speak positivity into my life or complain? These are all questions with answers that change every day (sometimes by the hour) depending on to many things to even try to list.

So here I am, day two into 2016 and finding myself in a very introverted mood.

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Going back to this song...

"When the Stars Go Blue"

by Ryan Adams

Catchy isn't it?

Where do you go when you're lonely and feeling blue? Where do you go when you need to sort things out, make decisions or decide who you are going to be?

I go to words. I crack open a notebook or a new document and open the flood gates of my mind. I attempt to put my emotions and vague questions into words and ideas that I can share with the world. I create fictional characters and situations to explore the depths of development that otherwise stay in my head.

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I've said it many times on this blog that if I don't write I would be insane or at the very least eternally depressed. This is my altar, it is where I go with my problems and prayers. It is where I think the best and where everything somehow starts making sense (at least as much as it is ever going to.)

Where do you go?

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I believe everyone has a talent or passion that they continuously go back to. I know people who think better with a soccer ball under their feet or a violin resting under their chin. Some go to a blank canvas that is in need of shapes and color. Others to create code that brings the magic of gaming to life. Some seek out churches or gardens. Some cook, other's travel, or sing or dance or take pictures. There is no limit to the things possible to achieve this same therapy when it comes to life.

No matter how good our life is there is always a moment that hits us where we question everything. Where we lose confidence in ourselves and sometimes even those around us. Sometimes life comes at us fast or changes without warning and we don't know how to react. We get overwhelmed and feel conquered.

This instagram post featuring One Tree Hill character Peyton Sawyer says it best...

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All we need to do is breathe.

And write. Or read. Or play. Or sing. Or dance. Or code. Or cook. Or go have a night out with friends. Or...

Where do you go?

"Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol

"Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol is one of those songs that will forever mean the world to me. It came out the year Stephen and I were engaged. I remember we were sitting in his apartment in Florida the first time I heard it.

That was a very difficult time of life for me. Stephen was working 80 hour weeks at EA and I was living back in Clemson, SC finishing up my Bachelor's in English. It was my senior year and honestly I was ready to be done with school and start my life with my love. I drove eight hours on average twice a month to see him, if only for a day. It was a time of self discovery, but also a time full of loneliness and anticipation for "life" to begin.

Every time I hear this song I am sitting at Stephen's desk on edge ready to go do something. Stephen, who was probably tired from working so much, was sitting next to me. I remember him sitting back and taking my hand. He said, "Can't we just sit for a few minutes and listen to this song."

"Would you lie with me and just forget the world?"

I sat with him and fell in love all over again.

To this day, it is one song that I can't help but stop everything I'm doing and enjoy the stillness as long as it is on.

There are many ways that I've grown with this song. Since that day, sitting with Stephen, I have listened to this song to many times to count. These words have been with me through times of loneliness and love. They have pulled me out of hard times and confirmed happy ones. 

There is just something about a song that can mark time like nothing else. This is one of those songs for me. It is a beautiful, powerful song that has changed my life, always for the better.

"Chasing Cars"

by Snow Patrol

We'll do it all

Everything

On our own

We don't need

Anything

Or anyone

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know

How to say

How I feel

Those three words

Are said too much

They're not enough

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time

Chasing cars

Around our heads

I need your grace

To remind me

To find my own

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we’re told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am

All that I ever was

Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where

Confused about how as well

Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

"Broken" by Seether

I don't really have an elaborate story about this song, but I really love it. The chorus really speaks to me when it says, "'Cause I'm broken when I'm open/ And I don't feel like I am strong enough." I know it isn't really what the entire song is about, but this lyric makes me think of how vulnerable I feel when I am open, when I put myself out there and I often don't feel strong enough, especially to take cruel placed criticism. But we are. You get up and move on and live, no matter what. Being open is the only way to truly live and find happiness. And as far as strength goes, it is there when we need it. One day maybe I can find where it hides in between those moments. Anyway, I love the music and how it makes me feel. Hope you enjoy...

"Broken"

by Seether (feat. Amy Lee)

I wanted you to know that I love the way you laugh

I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away

I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well

I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome

And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You've gone away, you don't feel me here anymore.

The worst is over now and we can breathe again

I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away

There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight

I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

[2x]

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open

And I don't feel like I am strong enough

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome

And I don't feel right when you're gone away

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome

And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You've gone away

You don't feel me here anymore

"3x5" by John Mayer

I'm not sure exactly when or how, but ever since I can remember I have processed life through a lens and a notebook. Zoey described what she was doing the other day like this: "I'm taking a picture and then writing down the journey." I was slightly taken aback by this philosophy from my five-year-old, but soon realized that I do the same thing.

I love to take pictures to remember all the little moments in life and then write down the journey. I've done it for as long as I can remember. And for the most part, I enjoy it. However, sometimes, I get lost behind the lens and forget to be in the moment. I forget to actually experience what is happening to me. As a result, I find that sometimes I look back on moments in my life and feel like they happened to someone else.

I try to live more in the moment and put cataloging the time on the back burner until the event is actually over. That does make me delayed in writing things down sometimes, but I find that I remember more because I experience it more passionately in the moment.

When I need help remembering to live in the moment, I go to music. John Mayer's "3x5" was one of the first songs I began going to during these times. I've been struggling with this concept again lately, so I wanted to share my inspiration to be present, every moment of everyday.

"3x5"

by John Mayer

I'm writing you to

catch you up on places I've been

You held this letter

probably got excited, but there's nothing else inside it

didn't have a camera by my side this time

hopping I would see the world with both my eyes

maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm

in the mood to lose my way with words

Today skies are painted colors of a cowboy's cliche'

And strange how clouds that look like mountains in the sky

are next to mountains anyway

Didn't have a camera by my side this time

Hoping I would see the world with both my eyes

Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm

in the mood to lose my way

but let me say

You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes

it brought me back to life

You'll be with me next time I go outside

just no more 3x5's Guess you had to be there

Guess you had to be with me Today I finally overcame

tryin' to fit the world inside a picture frame

Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm in the mood to

lose my way but let me say

You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes

it brought me back to life

You'll be with me next time I go outside

no more 3x5's

just no more 3x5's

"Through Glass" by Stone Sour

This song was one of my favorites for quite a while. I haven't heard it in forever until it came on a Pandora station the other day and now I can't get it out of my head. I was living in Florida when this song was on my playlist. The thing I love about music is that it triggers memories. One that this song triggers is this one random day my now husband and I went to eat Mexican with a couple friends that I haven't talked to in as many years and then ended up in a bookstore where I bought a new book by Ted Dekker, which I later resold. Random I know, but anyway...it's good music.

"Through Glass"

by Stone Sour

I'm looking at you through the glass.

Don't know how much time has passed

Oh, god it feels like forever

But no one ever tells you

That forever feels like home

Sitting all alone inside your head

How do you feel? That is the question

But I forget you don't expect an easy answer

When something like a soul becomes initialized

And folded up like paper dolls and little notes

You can't expect a bit of hope

So while you're outside looking in

Describing what you see

Remember what you're staring at is me

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass.

Don't know how much time has passed

All I know is that it feels like forever

And no one ever tells you that forever feels like home

Sitting all alone inside your head

How much is real? So much to question

An epidemic of the mannequins

Contaminating everything

With thought came from the heart

It never did right from the start

Just listen to the noises

(Null and void instead of voices)

Before you tell yourself

It's just a different scene

Remember it's just different from what you've seen

I'm looking at you through the glass.

Don't know how much time has passed

And all I know is that it feels like forever

And no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,

Sitting all alone inside your head

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass.

Don't know how much time has passed

All I know is that it feels like forever

And no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,

Sitting all alone inside your head

And it's the stars

The stars

That shine for you

And it's the stars

The stars

That lie to you, yeah-ah

I'm looking at you through the glass...

Don't know how much time has passed

Oh, god it feels like forever

But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,

Sitting all alone inside your head

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass.

Don't know how much time has passed

All I know is that it feels like forever

But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,

Sitting all alone inside your head

And it's the stars

The stars

That shine for you, yeah-ah

And it's the stars

The stars

That lie to you, yeah-ah

And it's the stars

The stars

That shine for you, yeah-ah

And it's the stars

The stars

That lie to you, yeah-ah, yeah

Oh when the stars

Oh oh when the stars that lie

>>Lyrics thanks to azlyrics.com<<

"Us Against the World" by Coldplay

"Us Against the World" is one of the most beautiful songs in the entire world. I heard it for the first time when Coldplay filmed live in Austin, TX. We watched the music series hosted there for a couple months and Coldplay was one of the best performances we saw. This song especially really stood out for me, but then again Coldplay has so many great songs it was simply filed under awesome in my head at the time.

Tonight, as I finished watching one of the last episodes in the series "One Tree Hill," this song once again took my breath away. Honestly, "One Tree Hill" is another thing that I can't speak too highly about, especially when it comes to their use of music. This song played a very special role in the series as the finale of season 9's episode 11 titled "Danny Boy." But even as I watched the scene play out, I was swept away by the sheer beauty of this song.

Songs mean so much to so many people, including myself. One of the reasons I post so many songs on here is because music speaks to me in a way that nothing else, even words, can. It can express an emotion when words fall short. When you hear music that makes you feel whole, there is nothing comparable. "Us Against the World" is a song that speaks to me when I am happy, sad, lonely, or thoughtful.

I tried to pick a verse as my favorite, but there are so many good words in this song. "Through chaos as it swirls, it's just us against the world," is such a powerful visual. It describes a moment in life that I believe everyone can relate to. Everyone has a time where you feel like you are taking on the world. If you are lucky enough to have someone to take it on with you, then there is little more that you could possibly ask for.

"Sing slow it down." So often in this life all we need to do to gain perspective is to slow it down. There is just so much. I'm rambling now. It is so hard to put these thoughts, these feelings, into words. Thankfully, we have music. There is a melody that makes us feel connected, happy, meaningful and fulfilled. To everyone, that song, that melody, is different. For me, this songs covers a lot of those.

I'm going to stop writing now and let the music do the talking:

(This second video is the same song, but it is one that I enjoyed the lyrics with so I wanted to share it as well.)

"Us Against the World"

by Coldplay

Oh morning come bursting the clouds, Amen.

Lift off this blindfold, let me see again.

And bring back the water, let your ships roll in, 

in my heart, she left a hole.

The tightrope that I'm walking just sways and ties.

The devil, as he's talking, with those angel's eyes.

And I just wanna be there when the lightning strikes.

And the saints go marching in

And sing slow it down,

Through chaos as it swirls,

It's us against the world.

Like a river to a raindrop,

I lost a friend.

My drunken has a Daniel in a lion's den.

And tonight I know it all has to begin again,

So whatever you do,

Don't let go.

And if we could float away,

Fly up to the surface and just start again.

And lift off before trouble just erodes us in the rain

Just erodes us in the rain

Just erodes us and see roses in the rain

Sing slow it down

Slow it down

Through chaos as it swirls,

It's us against the world.

Through chaos as it swirls,

It's us against the world

Pentatonix: Christmas Favorites

I have always loved Christmas music. Once upon a time I would begin listening to it after Halloween and still not be tired of it after Christmas day. I'm not exactly sure what happened to get me so cynical about Christmas music, but this year it has not been quite the same. Perhaps it is listening to the same twenty songs over and over ever year. Or listening to the same tracks over a retail stores's sound system for over a month. Or maybe I just got old and cynical. Any or all of these are possibilities. Nonetheless, I have a point. Even though the traditional Christmas music grates on my nerves in a way I never thought it possibly could, I still enjoy the Christmas tracks of one particular band...Pentatonix.

Pentatonix is an A Capella group that caught my attention a couple years ago on the Sing-off. Since then I have been following them on YouTube. Their music is amazing to say the least. There are only five of them with the occasional guest musician and their sound is as big as an entire orchestra. It is a combination of talent and skillful composition. All of their music is wonderful, but at this time of year when most Christmas music makes me cringe, Pentatonix comes through with beautiful melodies.

I want to share a few of my favorite of their Christmas songs:

"That's Christmas To Me"

This song took my breath away when I first heard it. I was literally cooking dinner and had a YouTube playlist running in the background and when this song came on I stopped everything and turned to listen and watch the video. It is beautiful.

"Mary, Did You Know?"

"Mary, Did You Know?" is one of my favorite Christmas songs. Musically, it is one of the most beautiful songs, especially as a duet. When I was a kid, I saw a couple sing this in my church that sent chills up my spin. Listening to Pentatonix's version of it has that same effect. I love this song, they did such an amazing job with it.

"White Winter Hymnal"

I actually heard this song first on the track loop we have running in Old Navy where I work. I loved this particular song when it came on and asked a co-worker if she knew the name of it one day. She said Pentatonix. I was astounded, not only because I know how wonderful they are, but because I was proud of them for making it onto the track loop for a retail store. There is just something about "making it" that comes with that. I saw this group when they began and it is wonderful to see them do well. This song is amazing, beautiful and technically very impressive. I enjoy it greatly.

These three songs are my favorites that came out this year. They each make me smile and really appreciate the season. These guys are so talented and their music is full of passion. I am excited to share this with you and I wish Pentatonix the best as they enter into the new year and a new tour beginning in Feburary 2015.

For More About Pentatonix:
Official Website: http://ptxmas.ptxofficial.com/
YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCmv1CLT6ZcFdTJMHxaR9XeA 

Do you have any favorite holiday songs, new or old? I'd love to hear them, share a link in the comments!

Merry Christmas!

Blessed Be Your Name - Romans 8:28

Romans 8:28 -- "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."

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God is always aiming to make us better and to come closer to Him. That is how we know God is always doing all for good. It may not always feel good in the moment, but that is how we learn and grow and come to rely on God for everything in every circumstance.

The Lord gives and He takes away. That is hard to hear. But we must trust that God is in control and knows what is best. Some things are unhealthy and we are glad when He takes them away. Other things are things we love. Whatever God has in store for us, He works everything together for good.

"Blessed Be Your Name"

Blessed Be Your Name

In the land that is plentiful 

Where Your streams of abundance flow

Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name

When I'm found in the desert place

Though I walk through the wilderness

Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out 

I'll turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name

When the sun's shining down on me

When the world's 'all as it should be'

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name

On the road marked with suffering 

Though there's pain in the offering 

Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out 

I'll turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord, blessed be Your name

[Link to Lyrics]

Come All You Weary

Matthew 11:28 -- “Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”

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We all have burdens, I know I do, big ones and small ones. Jesus tells us to bring these to Him, not to keep them inside. It is a challenge to let go of our burdens, but the peace it brings is indescribable.

I have trouble with letting my worries go. Ironically, it’s usually over the small stuff, like getting things done in time, what to get a friend or whether I should have that third cup of coffee. The big things are sometimes easier to let go of like mine and my family’s health, or job possibilities, or the state of the world we live in. Of course these are all not easy to let go of either.

It is inevitable we will get weary. I feel it all the time. Having all of these thoughts and emotions bouncing around in my head wears me out, especially on top of an already busy day. But Jesus doesn’t want us fretting or worrying over big or little things because He has it all covered. Ultimately we are just wasting energy that we could be using bettering His kingdom.

Jesus wants to give us rest. I believe Jesus’ greatest challenge for us to to come -- come live in the present with Him. Right now is the only time we can affect. If we are too busy worrying over the future or fretting over the past, we miss right now, the only time that really matters, the only time the Lord can really touch us and give us rest.

Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” Jesus is talking to you. He is talking to me. Take comfort in his assurance. Give him your worries and burdens and He will give you rest.

Dear Lord,
Help me to live in the present. I come to you looking for rest. I give you my weariness and my burdens and I take assurance in your presence. Thank you for loving me so much.

"Come All You Weary" by Thrice is one of my very favorite songs. It lifts me us when I am down and reminds me of exactly what I am sharing today. I hope this lifts you up as well. Have a blessed day.

Come All You Weary

by Thrice

Come all you weary with your heavy loads

Lay down your burdens find rest for your souls

Cause my yoke is easy and my burden is kind

I’ll take yours upon me and you can take mine

Come all you weary, move through the earth,

You've been spurned at fine restaurants and kicked out of church;

I’ve got a couple of loaves, so sit down at my feet,

lend me your ears and we'll break bread and eat

Come all you weary

Come gather round near me

Find rest for your souls

Come all you weary, crippled you lay

I’ll help you along you can lay down your canes

We’ve got a long way to go but we’ll travel as friends

The lights growing bright further up, further in

Come all you weary

Come gather round near me

Find rest for your souls

Rest for your souls

Come all you weary

Come gather round near me

Come all you weary

Come gather round near me

Find rest for your souls

Rest for your souls

Rest for your souls

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/thrice/

There are more Devotionals where this one came from!

Study God's Word and be Blessed!

When I Fall

This is a beautiful song that caught my attention a few years ago. I love the gentle melody and acoustic guitar rhythms. The best thing about this song is the lyrics, they tell a wonderful story. It was actually several months after I heard the song that I realized what they were talking about. And now it is even better.

My interpretation is the song is about a window washer. Generally, contemplating life on several different levels. It compares the blue collar and white collar jobs with the conclusion that neither are perfect. He says "I wish I could step of this scaffold" inferring that he doesn't enjoy his position. On the other hand, he calls the boardroom "a modern pharaoh's tomb" meaning it is empty and dead. Overall, "When I Fall" is a statement about our society. We move too fast and lock ourselves in buildings, but we are not really living. We need to enjoy the little things in life and most importantly the people we love.

I've been known to over-think lyrics like this. But once I came to these realizations about the meaning of this song, I fell absolutely in love with it. Now it is an all-time favorite. 

Barenaked Ladies @ UMASS 2006

"When I Fall"
By Barenaked Ladies

I look straight in the window, try not to look below
Pretend I'm not up here, try counting sheep
But the sheep seem to shower off this office tower
Nine-point-eight straight down I can't stop my knees

[Chorus]
I wish I could fly
From this building
From this wall
And if I should try
Would you catch me if I fall?

My hands clench the squeegee, my secular rosary
Hang on to your wallet, hang on to your rings
Can't look below me, or something might throw me
Curse at the windstorms that October brings

I look in the boardroom; a modern pharaoh's tomb
I'd gladly swap places, if they care to dive
They're lined up at the window, peer down into limbo
They're frightened of jumping, in case they survive

I wish I could step from this scaffold
Onto soft green pastures, shopping malls, or bed
With my family and my pastor and my grandfather who's Dead

Look straight in the mirror, watch it come clearer
I look like a painter, behind all the grease
But paintings creating, and I'm just erasing
A crystal-clear canvas is my masterpiece

Turning Page

So I am a twilight fan...yes I'm one of those, get over it. I don't know why I'm drawn to this story the way I am, but it is magical. Though I don't particularly like my vampires to sparkle and I still want to knock some sense into pretty much all the characters the majority of the book. Nothing's perfect right. Anyway...The Twilight Saga is a good story. Especially that it all wraps up into a pretty little bow of happiness.

It is all about love--finding it, keeping it and cherishing it. The newest Breaking Dawn movie has won my heart and so has the soundtrack. I love all the songs and they will probably all pop up here eventually, but right now I'm stuck on this one.

"Turning Page" by Sleeping at Last is a soft, love song. The song itself, without any association to the movie, makes my heart swell with love. It really is the perfect song for marriage, about belonging to someone else. I have lots of good things to say about marriage. Even with all of my enthusiasm about marriage, it doesn't mean it is easy. It takes surrendering yourself to become so much more. I am still my own person, but I am stronger in many ways with my husband next to me.

My favorite phrase is "Though we’re tethered to the story we must tell, When I saw you, well, I knew we’d tell it well. With a whisper, we will tame the vicious seas. Like a feather bringing kingdoms to their knees."

Here is a video (granted it is of Twilight: Breaking Dawn) of the song and the lyrics. 

Turning Page

by Sleeping at Last

I’ve waited a hundred years.

But I’d wait a million more for you.

Nothing prepared me for

What the privilege of being yours would do.

If I had only felt the warmth within your touch,

If I had only seen how you smile when you blush,

Or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough,

I would have known what I was living for all along.

What I’ve been living for.

Your love is my turning page,

Where only the sweetest words remain.

Every kiss is a cursive line,

Every touch is a redefining phrase.

I surrender who I’ve been for who you are,

For nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart.

If I had only felt how it feels to be yours,

Well, I would have known what I’ve been living for all along.

What I’ve been living for.

Though we’re tethered to the story we must tell,

When I saw you, well, I knew we’d tell it well.

With a whisper, we will tame the vicious seas.

Like a feather bringing kingdoms to their knees.

Facing my Fears

I have not been sleeping well at night. This has been going on for quite some time now. I have realized for awhile that the devil attacks me as I try to fall asleep. This is the point in time when my mind is weakest and also most active. I don't feel anxious, but something must be bothering me, right? The devil will always attack, but what is it that is getting under my skin and causing me so much anxiety that I cannot sleep?

I have been thing about death a lot lately. For some reason my miscarriage-loss of my unborn baby-has been coming up a lot. Possibly because I would be getting big with baby by now, but possibly for another reason. I feel peace with that particular loss, but I think God is telling me something else now.

Then yesterday I found out that a friend from high school, Charlie Goode, lost his battle with cancer. He was a good person with a bright light in his soul. He will be truly missed. He touched many lives while he was on this Earth.

Generally speaking death does not rock me. There is a beauty in death and a celebration of life. Death usually brings a sense of wonder over me. That is, as long as it doesn't include my immediate family...mostly if it doesn't involve Zoey. Not even the thought of my own death bothers me incredibly much (although, I try not to dwell on that particular unknown too often.) But I cannot even think of Zoey or Stephen not being here without my heart aching. I know that by leaving this earthly body we go to spend our days with the Lord and that brings me comfort. However, it does not ease the ache of any thought involving loosing my baby.

I will wake up in the middle of the night with nightmares where Zoey dies. I can not fall asleep because my mind wanders to worst case scenarios. It is a subtle fear. One that I didn't even realize I harbored until God showed it to me last night during meditation and prayer about Charlie's death. But now that I realize this fear I realize it has been striking in full force. I can't believe I did realize the manifestation. At first it was just when my mind was weak and wandering, but progressed to even consuming me during conversations or stray thoughts and fill my head with worse case scenarios. Then I am gripped with fear.

Especially after experiencing a miscarriage, I recognize more than ever how absolutely precious Zoey's life is. Actually, those nightmares, trouble sleeping and gripping fears began when I had my miscarriage. It definitely started there. I remember actively battling the devil in my mind at night during that troubling time and I thought it was getting better, but it was just getting worse.

The irony is, I have made peace with the miscarriage and the baby I loss, but I am now fearful for the little girl I have. I want a big family and I love that little girl unconditionally.

Now what?

Pray.

You will never guess what song I heard as I prayed.

"Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns.

That makes three times that song has come on in my time of needing comfort and been EXACTLY what I needed to hear.

1. When I realized I was having a miscarriage
2. When I found out about Charlie's death
3. When I realize I was becoming increasingly fearful of my children's deaths.

The devil has been attacking me for some time on the last point. I say NO MORE! I am listening to the Voice of Truth and He says "DO NOT BE AFRAID!"

Last night I had a revelation and something broke loose in me. God is in control and He is greater than any of my fears. 

This morning, this verse is staring me in the face...

"I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from ALL my fears." Psalm 34:4

Hallelujah!!!

I had the best night sleep last night than I have had in months.


***This has been an emotional journey I needed to take. Thank you for those who have taken it with me. I tend to get really quiet when I am "going through" something difficult. But I truly believe there is someone else out there who needs to hear this. You are not alone and God is the answer. When you are weak He is strong. So I am sharing my story, my struggle, and my victory in Jesus name.

"That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10 NIV

The Rest of the Journey:
Voice of Truth
Everything Happens For a Reason
Overcoming the Curse
My Miscarriage

Voice of Truth

This song is haunting me!

Actually, this song holds a great meaning very dear to my heart...

I was driving home from the doctor's office when I knew I was having a miscarriage and "Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns comes on the radio.

I wept.

I knew.

I felt like the world was crashing down. But,

"But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth"

Today I am aimlessly reading Facebook. And I see this...

Rest In Peace Charlie Goode.

Charlie was my friend from High School. Yes, that was several years ago now and we have not really kept in touch, but he was a very special person. Charlie was battling cancer. Charlie was the light in a dear friend's darkest hour. Charlie was an inspiration. Charlie was a good man, a strong spirit and a celebration of life.

Charlie will be dearly missed.

As I was reading the sweet words that his many friends posted onto Facebook can you guess what song comes up on my playlist...

"Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns.

The Lord works in wonderful and mysterious ways. You see, music can stop me in my tracks, of course God knows this, he probably did it on purpose.

Somehow this song linked the loss of my unborn baby to my friend's death. I don't know exactly how or even exactly why. But this feeling is love and longing and understanding.

Is it coincidence that I just finished my scrapbook page of my miscarriage when this connection occurred? Nothing is coincidence. God is up to something...

There is a reason for everything. Charlie touched the hearts of many people, including my own. Now Jesus is holding out his hand to welcome him home.

"Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns

Oh,what I would do to have

the kind of faith it takes 

To climb out of this boat I'm in 

Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone

Into the realm of the unknown 

Where Jesus is, 

And he's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name 

and they laugh at me

Reminding me of all the times 

I've tried before and failed

The waves they keep on telling me 

time and time again

"Boy, you'll never win, 

You you'll never win

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story

the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"

and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"

Out of all the voices calling out to me

I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

Oh, what I would do 

to have the kind of strength it takes

To stand before a giant 

with just a sling and a stone

Surrounded by the sound 

of a thousand warriors 

shaking in their armor

Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out 

my name and he laughs at me

Reminding me of all the times 

I've tried before and failed

The giant keeps on telling me 

time and time again

"Boy you'll never win, 

you'll never win."

But the voice of truth tells me a different story

the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"

and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"

Out of all the voices calling out to me

I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

But the stone was just the right size

to put the giant on the ground

and the waves they don't seem so high

from on top of them looking down

I will soar with the wings of eagles

when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus

singing over me

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story 

The Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!" 

And the Voice of truth says "this is for my glory" 

Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)

I will choose to listen and believe (I will choose to listen and believe)

I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

I will listen and believe

I will listen and believe the Voice of truth

I will listen and believe 

'Cause Jesus you are the Voice of truth

And I will listen to you.. oh you are the Voice of truth

From Stephanie: "Rest in Peace Charlie, Heaven Got a Little Bit Brighter"