Exuberant Imperfection

In the days and weeks leading up to Nanowrimo (only 9 days to go!) I have been outlining my novel and diving further into the world and characters I am creating. Also, because knowledge is power and since it holds even the slightest fragment of encouragement, I am reading a novel called "No Plot? No Problem!" by Chris Baty, the founder of Nanowrimo. It has been a fun and inspiring novel so far. It has made me even more excited about next month's writing adventure and given me a confidence that I believe I can actually do this, which is fairly fantastic.

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One of the concepts Baty offers early on in his novel is this idea of "exuberant imperfection." Basically this concept is this: "The quickest, easiest way to produce something beautiful and lasting is to risk making something horribly crappy."

The idea, is to stop thinking so much about being perfect and just be. For example, while writing a first draft (50,000 words in 30 days) I simply explore ideas and run with my tangents instead of having an entire plot mapped out. Sure, it might end up really awful and fruitless, but on the other hand, it could become the turning point and shinning moment in my novel.

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Baty goes on to encourage practicing this lowering of unrealistically high expectations in all areas of life. For someone who has a hard time putting myself out there with the risk of making mistakes, I can feel the anxiety start to creep in at the thought of loosening my control over life. Then I got to thinking...this might be exactly what I need to overcome that gripping fear of doing anything unknown or spontaneous. I've decided that writing might just save me once again...that writing a novel in 30 days, however crazy an idea it might be, just might help me be brave, which is what I've been searching for recently.

"Try your hand at something you've long thought you might like but fear you'll be bad at. You'll probably feel uncomfortable and exposed at first, but you'll also find that the world is a lot more fun when you approach it with an exuberant imperfection." ~Chris Baty

I like that idea. Not the feeling uncomfortable part, but the making the world more fun part. The older I get the more I believe that life is meant to be fun and quirky and lived to the fullest without second guessing every decision or turning to the peanut gallery to make a decision in the first place.

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There is a quote I read a while back by C.S. Lewis that said, "Eventually, you will grow old enough to read fairy tales again." At first, I thought it meant that when you had kids you would read fairy tales again for the next generation in an attempt to encourage imagination. It is only recently that I realize that imagination does not have an expiration date. The more I write and prepare for Nanowrimo, the more I realize that I don't want my imagination to dissipate. I want to read fairy tales for myself (though I do share them with my daughter.) I want to have fun and live in the present. I want a life worth living and to smile joyously just because I'm alive.

One additional quote from Baty really got me thinking:
"Exuberant imperfection allows you to circumvent those limiting feelings entirely. It dictates that the best way to tackle daunting, paralysis-inducing challenges is to give yourself permission to make mistakes, and then go ahead and make them."

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I cannot tell you how many things I simply don't do because I'm afraid I will do something wrong. It is a residual affect of years of people pleasing that I'm trying to overcome. I have also come to realize that part of my anxiety is that I have a tendency to become overwhelmed at the whole of a thing and have trouble breaking it up into achievable sections. Let's take novel writing as one example, which  is why I am so excited for Nanowrimo. I am looking forward to taking the time I set aside with a goal in mind of writing without worrying so much about whether it is good, simply that it is done.

My remarkable husband has a irritating habit (I say that lovingly) of thinking in a sometimes overly logical manner. He can break things down in his mind into independent parts without even trying. When he tells a story, it is all encompassing because he works through every little detail like you are actually living through the experience as him. I have to admit, I'm a little jealous of his complex storytelling capability.

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I try extremely hard to do the same and I end up getting lost within my own story. I forget the foundation trying so hastily to get to the climax. I am an emotional writer, probably because I'm an emotional person, but it does make it difficult to get everything to line up in an orderly fashion that makes sense to anyone (including myself at times). I'm working on adding details and breaking a story down into smaller parts to build intensity and expectation instead of stumbling into a story's conclusion.

I believe Nanowrimo will help me become a better writer because I can allow myself to be an emotional writer and tell the story in my own way, plot holes and all. I can go back and edit after my first draft is finished to create a polished product, my literary masterpiece. The best part is that by writing, I will get better at writing and learn how to create that easy flow I dream my novel will one day encompass.

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The idea that it is okay to make mistakes is life-changing for me. I'm not perfect, I never have been, nor will I ever be. So why not embrace it? Why not live fully doing the things I love? Go out of my way to help others when appropriate, sure, that is part of who I am. Apologize when necessary because I didn't see that coming, absolutely. Hesitate to enjoy myself because I'm afraid of what other's think of me, not anymore. I will emanate exuberant imperfection and most importantly, be myself.

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We all have one life that is summed up in a series of stories, I desire to make them good stories. Nothing is permanent, everything is fixable so I will be flexible and make mistakes creating the life I've always dreamed of.

I Write To Give Myself Strength

I have a confession to make. I am a very fearful person. I try really hard to be brave, but deep down I'm scared. Scared of what you ask. I wish I knew. It was just in this past year or so that I realized that this type of fear is actually anxiety. For example, if I say something awkward, I have a hard time letting it go. The same goes if someone says or does something that I don't understand. The problem is, these types of interactions tend to happen on a daily basis. To top it off, I have a hard time standing up for what I believe in because deep down I question whether it is the right thing to believe at all.

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I am doing better. I am now brave more often than not. I am doing things that I only dreamed of years ago, like writing a novel for one. I am stronger in my beliefs and have rebuttals instead of doubts. This partly because of an increase in confidence, but mostly due to asking myself those hard questions and being truly honest with myself in the answer.

However, I am writing this in a moment when I do not feel brave. I often say that writing is my therapy and so here I am, once again at my keyboard just trying to figure out exactly what I am feeling. I don't know if it is strength or desolation that causes me to reach out in this form. Perhaps it is just the simple ability to connect with others in hopes that I am not alone.

I have always been emotional; going from happy to mad to sad and then back to happy again in a span of minutes. I have always had some sort of anxiety in my life, now that I know how to define that feeling of hopelessness and sometimes panic. It occurs even when I know in my head that everything is perfectly fine. In addition, I've always been a people pleaser, which come to find out, is not exactly a good thing.

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These are my struggles. Some days, let me tell you, the struggle is real. I feel like just trying to get through the day is exhausting. Not everyday, thank goodness, but some days are hard. Today was not a hard day, but somehow, I am still here sitting in front of a glowing screen writing to friends and strangers about doubt and uneasiness.

Am I good enough? I don't know how to answer that. On a good day, when I have confidence and wit I would say "absolutely." But in moments like these, all I can say is "I'm doing my best and I won't give up." Some days I think that is all you can say. The trick is to believe it. To keep moving forward, to change and grow and get up ready to try again the next day or in the next moment.

So here I am, a person full of doubt pretending to have confidence and hoping that one day that confidence will be real instead of simply a shield for my uncertainty.

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I am thankful that I have a love for writing. There are so many qualities in ourselves that see us through. Music also helps me, but I'm sure it is how musicians understand the world; how athletes understand the reason for living; how artists express emotion; and how scientists discover whole new worlds. I believe we all have something in us that we turn to when we need to sort out emotions and find direction.

Writing has saved me in more ways than I can count from the time I could string letters together to make words. I have written about friendships, heart breaks, life choices, moving, falling in love, becoming a mother and now about identity, anxiety and confidence. I love writing, and I love this space I've created where I can feel comfortable about being myself, flaws and all. I am thankful for this craft and how it makes me appreciative of all things, good and bad. Most importantly, I am thankful for not being alone.

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Gearing Up For Nanowrimo!

I haven't been writing on my blog much lately. I miss it. However, there's been something else taking up my writing time lately...my novel!

Honestly, I am extremely stoked one minute and pumped to write, but then the next I am overwhelmed with fear of failure. This has pretty much been my entire month so far. That in addition to being sick and in over my head with protests from school budget cuts and transportation issues. The sick part is pretty self-explained, it seems to happen at least one every fall. The second, is a story for another day.

So here I am, taking a moment away from prepping my novel to get some perspective and give my brain a break.

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I am so excited about Nanowrimo (National Novel Writing Month) this year! It is a worldwide challenge for authors to write 50,000 words in 30 days, which equates into a solid first draft of a novel. I have been prepping my novel all month and I am absolutely ready to for the 1st!

I have been looking forward to November for months now and I'm itching to get started. However, I want to try to find the balance between working on my novel and writing on my blog. There is just something about publishing on my blog that helps me feel connected and work out the conflicts going on in my mind. I have always considered writing my therapy and though I love creative writing through my novel, but I need this kind of writing too.

Although most of my thoughts lately are about writing, I still want to write them down and work through them because they are important, a part of who I am. I woke up this morning eager to write and when I sat down with good intentions I couldn't finish a thought or keep the characters and settings organized in my head. It was at this point that I realized that I haven't blogged hardly at all this month.

So here I am, writing on my blog again. This particular post doesn't have much consistency or substance, but I'm writing and communicating the thoughts in my head. Let's face it, sometimes the thoughts in our heads make little to no sense. But, by writing, the creative inspiration can come back to the surface and the chaos can remain at bay a little longer.

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I really appreciate all the people who ask how my novel is going. It is going really well! My goal is to write at least 50,000 words next month and finish my first draft by the end of the year. The next step is editing and revision, which will go through the summer. Then by the end of next summer I will be actively pursuing the publication of my novel. I am very excited about this upcoming year,

I love living through the story in my head. I am falling in love with my characters even as they fall in love with each other. Once I get a good amount written, I look forward to sharing an excerpt on this blog. I also look forward to using this medium to write about the process of writing. It isn't exactly what I thought it would be. In some ways it's easier and in some harder. I'll expand on this idea another day.

As for right now, I am thankful for this place to write and share my challenges and triumphs. Now I'm going to bid you adieu and go work on my novel some more.

The Big 3-0

Today I turned 30. The big 3-0. This seems to always be the big one.

You can't wait to turn 10 because then you can do things like stay up late and go into a store by yourself. At twenty you are only one year away from being able to drink. But at 30, life begins.

Thirty is the kickoff of to middle age. At thirty, most people are beginning to settle down, to get married and have kids, to launch in a career or otherwise define who they are. Thirty is when the bills begin to add up and you have to make hard decisions about your life. Thirty is when your perspective begins to change and you see more than just where you are, but also where you have been and where you are going. It is the time you start thinking more about what you are trying to get out of life.

At 30, I am realizing just how hard it is to let go. I have been married 8 years this year, knowing my exceptional husband for an entire decade now. I have an amazing, smart, talented and independent 6 year old little girl who is rapidly gaining confidence in herself as she discovers who she is. I have a wonderful life and I want it to last forever, just how it is right now.

However, life is always changing, we always grow older and are constantly evolving. That includes our children. Zoey is now to the point in life where she is figuring it all out for herself. She doesn't need me to hold her hand or direct her anymore, now she can read the signs. She doesn't ask to be carried anymore because she wants to go in her own way. She doesn't need me to pick things out for her anymore because she has her own opinions.

I am so proud of her and the magnificent lady she is becoming. But we live in a scary world where nothing is guaranteed. I realize that my last post was called "The Mortality Realization." I named it that trying to be witty because it is a title using the same formula as "The Big Bang Theory." (They have titles like "The Vengeance Formulation," "The Large Hadron Collision" and "The Adhesive Duck Deficiency.") Instead, the name really hit the nail on the head. The post was about a fatal traffic accident that happened here in Seattle last week. That is just one of many tragic things that happen all the time. The realization that life is fleeting has been stuck in the back of my mind for a while now.

I didn't even realize how hard this thought was hitting me. It is hard to let her grow up. I don't care what clothes Zoey wears or that she doesn't want to hold my hand, that kind of stuff doesn't bother me. I just want her to be safe. It is a scary world that we live in and I'm just leading her into it to find her way. I'm there of course, and she knows she can always come to me, but I can't always protect her. I suppose I never really could.

Several years ago now, I had three miscarriages. Honestly, that changed my life as much as having children. It is hard to have no control in a situation.

It is hard to let Zoey be her own person and just trust that she will be alright. I know she is so smart and already has a good head on her shoulders. She can navigate around downtown ridiculously well. She learned the bus system here last year as quick as I did. She is careful when trying new things (depending on the situation almost too careful.) She knows more about Pluto than I do. She excels at video games that I don't even understand. She makes friends everywhere she goes. I am confident that she will be great at whatever she decides to pursue. I know all of this, but it is still hard.

I used to be there for her all the time while she was small. We have spent most of our time together from the moment she was born until she went to school. Now, she goes through huge chunks of her day that I know nothing about except what she decides to tell me. It is a transition that is hitting me harder this year than it ever did last year. I think now, I see that she is growing up, developing opinions and feeling confident in her independence. Good. I'm glad that she is. I encourage her and I am proud of her.

Stephen says I need to stop focusing on all the negative stories in the world and start focusing on the positive ones. I think he is right. I just have to live each day to the fullest, focus on what is important in this life and say "I love you" every chance I get.

Wow, I didn't know 30 was going to be so emotional. I'm too young to have a mid-life crisis!