Where do you go?

"Where do you go when you're lonely?"

It's a line from the song "When the Stars Go Blue." It is a statement that has always intrigued me. Today I thought about it again. And in the process, got this song stuck in my head for an entire day.

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But really? Where do you go? When you are lonely, or sad, or angry, or when you just have to work things out in your head?

The commencement of the new year has brought on many contemplative thoughts for me to sort through. It actually started a couple weeks ago and my mind is in overdrive trying to figure out what I'm really doing with my life and who I want to be.

At thirty, you'd think I'd have some of this figured out by now. Some of it I do. I'm married to an amazing man and have a beautiful and very clever daughter. We aren't going to have more kids, but that is a story for another day. I'm a writer who is in the process of editing my first novel. Honestly, life is pretty good.

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However, who I am, well, that is decided each and every day. Am I kind? Do I build others up or tear them down? Do I spent money on material possessions or is it the experiences I treasure more? Do I speak positivity into my life or complain? These are all questions with answers that change every day (sometimes by the hour) depending on to many things to even try to list.

So here I am, day two into 2016 and finding myself in a very introverted mood.

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Going back to this song...

"When the Stars Go Blue"

by Ryan Adams

Catchy isn't it?

Where do you go when you're lonely and feeling blue? Where do you go when you need to sort things out, make decisions or decide who you are going to be?

I go to words. I crack open a notebook or a new document and open the flood gates of my mind. I attempt to put my emotions and vague questions into words and ideas that I can share with the world. I create fictional characters and situations to explore the depths of development that otherwise stay in my head.

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I've said it many times on this blog that if I don't write I would be insane or at the very least eternally depressed. This is my altar, it is where I go with my problems and prayers. It is where I think the best and where everything somehow starts making sense (at least as much as it is ever going to.)

Where do you go?

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I believe everyone has a talent or passion that they continuously go back to. I know people who think better with a soccer ball under their feet or a violin resting under their chin. Some go to a blank canvas that is in need of shapes and color. Others to create code that brings the magic of gaming to life. Some seek out churches or gardens. Some cook, other's travel, or sing or dance or take pictures. There is no limit to the things possible to achieve this same therapy when it comes to life.

No matter how good our life is there is always a moment that hits us where we question everything. Where we lose confidence in ourselves and sometimes even those around us. Sometimes life comes at us fast or changes without warning and we don't know how to react. We get overwhelmed and feel conquered.

This instagram post featuring One Tree Hill character Peyton Sawyer says it best...

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All we need to do is breathe.

And write. Or read. Or play. Or sing. Or dance. Or code. Or cook. Or go have a night out with friends. Or...

Where do you go?

Nanowrimo 2015 Winner!

I did it! I wrote 50,000 words on my novel in 30 days. To be accurate, I wrote 51,664 words in 27 days. I am extremely proud of myself!

I've tried to check in a few times this month, but honestly, I feel like a stranger to my own blog. Writing had become my priority for the entire month and I successfully completed my goal, which is amazing. However, now it is time to get back to reality, at least a little bit.

In many ways, I'm amazed that I completed my goal because for most of the month it felt like the odds were stacked against me.

It was during this month that my daughter's first grade teacher resigned to take a position outside of the district and so the class was reassigned a new teacher halfway through the first semester of the year.

Then we all got sick. Zoey was sick and out of school for 8 days (that does include the weekend and veteran's day which was a "no school" day). I don't know if you've ever tried to do anything productive while being sick or having a sick kid, but each day that I put any words in that week was a victory to me.

After we all finally began to feel better, the holiday rush began. Zoey was out of school an entire week for Thanksgiving break and I had extra hours at Old Navy due to Black Friday.

Nonetheless, through all the aches and pains, the distractions and illness, I did it. I wrote a novel in a month and it feels great!

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So now what? I've completed my goal, where do I go from here?

I've decided I'm going to keep writing. I want to keep the habits I've created and try to double my word count before the end of the year. I know there are parts that won't stay in my manuscript and parts that need to be changed so having extra words will only help me as I begin to edit after the first of the year.

This was a great experience. I learned so much about myself, my ability to create consistently and a new confidence about who I am and what I want in life. I've learned that I can write and for the most part still manage life. I want to keep these epiphanies in focus and strengthen my writing habits to be able to do even more with my craft, especially as I begin editing after the first of the year.

My #Nanowrimo2015 update:
Day 27

51.664 Words Written

Nanowrimo 2015: Halfway Point

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Today is November 15 and marks the halfway point of National Novel Writing Month! I am so proud of myself because I have been writing everyday. I entered in my word count for today bringing me to a grand total of 34,259 words over 15 days. This is well over my target word count for this day, which is 25,000 words, exactly half of the 50,000 word total that I am striving toward.

This challenge has been difficult, but also extremely fun as I push myself and my creative ideas. The other huge part of this challenge is creating good writing habits for myself. Granted, I won't be able to let writing take priority over everything else for an extended period of time. Nonetheless, I have found some creative ways to use my time so that I have more time available to write.

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One of my biggest accomplishments is being able to write around others, especially my loving, well meaning six year old little girl. I have always wanted complete quiet and stillness when I write and it is sheer determination and lots of practice to be able to write in a room with other people. I like being able to go right back to my thoughts after interruptions. Of course, there are times when I prefer quiet, but it is nice to be able to write out in the open instead of always trying to hide. It is a skill that I taught myself for reading years ago that has made me more happy overall; it's nice to be able to write in this manner too.

That is all for now, just a moment to check in. I am glad I am participating in the challenge. I like pushing myself creatively and I'm finally feeling more confident about calling myself a writer. So that in itself is a victory!

My #Nanowrimo2015 update:
Day 15

34,259 Words Written

"Your Elusive Creative Genius"

It is week 2 of Nanowrimo and this is the key time in the challenge of writing a novel in a month. Everything I've heard and read said to be careful this week and just keep writing, no matter how much you want to give up.

I've been so excited about this project and my decision to really do it, to put in the work and be a writer. Because of that passion, I haven't even considered giving up, but I have been dealing with the naysayers of this craft.

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I talked to my incredibly supportive husband about my doubts in a career of writing, mostly my crippling fear of failing or producing nothing of worth or value. He asked who doubted me. That made me stop for a moment. Everyone I talk to are extremely supportive about my decision to write. Some even go so far as to check in with me about how my Nanowrimo challenge is going this month and about my novel in general.

It took me a few minutes to realize that the only naysayer in the situation was myself and possibly society as a whole for its view of artists, writers and the creative lifestyle in general. Stephen said he couldn't really be mad a me for doubting myself and I had to concur. I realized that I would have to change my own way of thinking...have I even mentioned how impossibly difficult that is to do?

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As luck, or perhaps the great cosmic influence, would have it, I found my answer in a seemingly inconsequential decision to watch a TED talk about "Your Elusive Creative Genius" by Elizabeth Gilbert author of New York Times Bestseller Eat, Pray, Love.

In her speech, she talks of this anomaly the Greek and Roman creative minds had attached to their talent. They had what the Greeks called a daemon, a being that contained the same nature as both god and mortal. In Roman culture the word for daemon was "genius."  The genius provided a distance between an artist's art and his or her ego. For example, if a creation failed, it meant his genius hadn't stimulated him enough. On the other hand, if a creation took off to become immortal art, then the artist couldn't take full credit because his or her genius had bolstered him. However, how do you keep creating art or ideas when you know that your best idea may be behind you? With a daemon, at least you still had a sort of collaboration with this being of inspiration that kept you grounded and continuing to work and create for yourself and to share with others. But what would happened if that daemon stopped showing up as well?

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As the Age of Reason began to emerge out of the Renaissance, the idea of having a genius was lost and a man or woman was determined to be a genius, which put enormous amounts of pressure on a one fragile human soul. For many that was too much to take; there have been countless cases of artists of every medium to become insane and even take their own lives. Society, over hundreds of years, has thrust the idea that the arts and a creative lifestyle is an insane, irrational crusade. 

Gilbert's TED Talk is incredibly interesting and I would encourage you to watch it in its entirety on YouTube :

"Your Elusive Creative Genius" 

by Elizabeth Gilbert 

So what now? My passion has always been writing, reading, collecting quotations, and having an appreciation for all forms of art. However, society tells me that if I pursue this course I will end up irrational, poor and broken. That's not something very nice to fall asleep to at night. However, neither is the grind that comes from working a job that seeps the joy from my soul. Talk about a rock and a hard place...

This is the point where I have to make a decision about my life. Am I going to conform to society's interpretation of the arts? Or am I going to be brave and step out into the unknown to live a creative life full of passion and joy. It won't erase the heartache or the bad days, but those irrational, emotional pieces of art are truly valuable to society and the human psyche as a whole.

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I've never wanted to be a genius. I've never wanted the pressure to make something remarkable, that is simply too much to bear. However, I want to create something that means something to someone. I want to put my soul into my work and throw it out into the void of human interpretation so that someone, somewhere will feel inspired and loved and understand themselves a little better.

I write for myself, for my own soul. I have written these words so many times now that it almost seems redundant. Writing is how I understand the universe. When I go long periods of time without writing I get anxious, insecure and irritable. I don't really understand it, but writing is a permanent part of my psychological makeup, it is an irreversible part of who I am. When I am true to myself, when I write and share ideas and emotions, I feel better, I feel whole.

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So now I write. I'm writing my novel to try and share a feeling that means a lot to me right now. I want to share the power of love that stands the test of time. Despite societal association with writers and despite my own self doubts, I'm going to show up everyday and work hard on my craft. I want to do it, I want to create this novel and eventually send it out into the world to share something that I believe in.

Yes, that is scary, and if I begin to start talking to my genius for inspiration and revelation, at least you'll know that I'm actually doing it to stay sane and not going crazy...yet.

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Nanowrimo 2015: Week 1 Review

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I am pausing from writing my novel because I really want to post at least some updates about Nanowrimo this year. This project has helped me in so many ways. It is not easy, but I am learning more about writing, about myself and about where I want to go from here.

Granted, I'm halfway through the second week as I look back on week one. Part of this is simply time, there's never enough of it. I always try to wait until after I've done my word log for the day to blog, but I've found this doesn't ever work, for two reasons. The first reason is that I am in a groove with my story and I won't stop until I am dragged away kicking and screaming from my keyboard. The second reason (what happens the other half of the time) is that I am grinding words, just trying to get something, anything written for the day. I've had plenty of both of these days, but either way, I never have any energy or inspiration to blog. Today, I'm making it a priority.

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Week One of Nanowrimo was fun. I'd been anticipating the event for months now and I was so excited to finally start putting my fingers to the keyboard and write. I had lots of thoughts and plans about my story so that first week was a simple mind dump. I wrote all of the most dramatic scenes from my novel that I had already outlined. As I wrote, some things changed, but most of it stayed within the confines of my outline so I had lots to get down. I really enjoyed experiencing all the highs and lows of my character's lives and begin to really get to know them.

This week's biggest tribulation was what Stephen defined as carpel tunnel syndrome. This surprised me, a lot, but the more I read, the more it made sense. I had pain in my fingers all the way up through my forearm. I experienced cramps in my hands and muscle weakness. At one point I could barely pick anything up. It hurt a lot. By the end of the week, my hands and arms were screaming (it didn't help that I had a couple days of heavy lifting and tedious work using my hand muscles at work.)

I started resting more and stretching my hands and they finally started to calm down a little. Even now they still hurt some, but it's that pain that almost feels good, like I've been productive. It feels like I've been working out and my muscles are getting stronger, it just takes time for the soreness to go away.

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As I entered into week two, another obstacle occurred...my whole family got sick. Zoey has been out of school for a couple of days this week with a head cold, which I then got and so did my husband. It makes writing hard because I'm trying to write around a sick kid who is more needy than normal and home during my usual writing blocks. In addition to the physical distractions, I have been really tired and I'm trying to think creatively through the cloud of a head cold, which makes making sense a bit difficult.

Even with all of those challenges, I'm still really excited about my novel and Nanowrimo. By sheer determination, I have managed to write 27,841 in the first eleven days of Nanowrimo, that is over 8,000 more words than my target goal for the same number of days. In other words, I am over halfway through the challenge 3 days before the halfway point. That is a good, productive feeling.

I'm going to end on that feeling. That's a good place to publish my blog and go back to writing my novel.

My #Nanowrimo2015 update:

(as of yesterday) Day 11

27,841 Words Written

Exuberant Imperfection

In the days and weeks leading up to Nanowrimo (only 9 days to go!) I have been outlining my novel and diving further into the world and characters I am creating. Also, because knowledge is power and since it holds even the slightest fragment of encouragement, I am reading a novel called "No Plot? No Problem!" by Chris Baty, the founder of Nanowrimo. It has been a fun and inspiring novel so far. It has made me even more excited about next month's writing adventure and given me a confidence that I believe I can actually do this, which is fairly fantastic.

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One of the concepts Baty offers early on in his novel is this idea of "exuberant imperfection." Basically this concept is this: "The quickest, easiest way to produce something beautiful and lasting is to risk making something horribly crappy."

The idea, is to stop thinking so much about being perfect and just be. For example, while writing a first draft (50,000 words in 30 days) I simply explore ideas and run with my tangents instead of having an entire plot mapped out. Sure, it might end up really awful and fruitless, but on the other hand, it could become the turning point and shinning moment in my novel.

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Baty goes on to encourage practicing this lowering of unrealistically high expectations in all areas of life. For someone who has a hard time putting myself out there with the risk of making mistakes, I can feel the anxiety start to creep in at the thought of loosening my control over life. Then I got to thinking...this might be exactly what I need to overcome that gripping fear of doing anything unknown or spontaneous. I've decided that writing might just save me once again...that writing a novel in 30 days, however crazy an idea it might be, just might help me be brave, which is what I've been searching for recently.

"Try your hand at something you've long thought you might like but fear you'll be bad at. You'll probably feel uncomfortable and exposed at first, but you'll also find that the world is a lot more fun when you approach it with an exuberant imperfection." ~Chris Baty

I like that idea. Not the feeling uncomfortable part, but the making the world more fun part. The older I get the more I believe that life is meant to be fun and quirky and lived to the fullest without second guessing every decision or turning to the peanut gallery to make a decision in the first place.

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There is a quote I read a while back by C.S. Lewis that said, "Eventually, you will grow old enough to read fairy tales again." At first, I thought it meant that when you had kids you would read fairy tales again for the next generation in an attempt to encourage imagination. It is only recently that I realize that imagination does not have an expiration date. The more I write and prepare for Nanowrimo, the more I realize that I don't want my imagination to dissipate. I want to read fairy tales for myself (though I do share them with my daughter.) I want to have fun and live in the present. I want a life worth living and to smile joyously just because I'm alive.

One additional quote from Baty really got me thinking:
"Exuberant imperfection allows you to circumvent those limiting feelings entirely. It dictates that the best way to tackle daunting, paralysis-inducing challenges is to give yourself permission to make mistakes, and then go ahead and make them."

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I cannot tell you how many things I simply don't do because I'm afraid I will do something wrong. It is a residual affect of years of people pleasing that I'm trying to overcome. I have also come to realize that part of my anxiety is that I have a tendency to become overwhelmed at the whole of a thing and have trouble breaking it up into achievable sections. Let's take novel writing as one example, which  is why I am so excited for Nanowrimo. I am looking forward to taking the time I set aside with a goal in mind of writing without worrying so much about whether it is good, simply that it is done.

My remarkable husband has a irritating habit (I say that lovingly) of thinking in a sometimes overly logical manner. He can break things down in his mind into independent parts without even trying. When he tells a story, it is all encompassing because he works through every little detail like you are actually living through the experience as him. I have to admit, I'm a little jealous of his complex storytelling capability.

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I try extremely hard to do the same and I end up getting lost within my own story. I forget the foundation trying so hastily to get to the climax. I am an emotional writer, probably because I'm an emotional person, but it does make it difficult to get everything to line up in an orderly fashion that makes sense to anyone (including myself at times). I'm working on adding details and breaking a story down into smaller parts to build intensity and expectation instead of stumbling into a story's conclusion.

I believe Nanowrimo will help me become a better writer because I can allow myself to be an emotional writer and tell the story in my own way, plot holes and all. I can go back and edit after my first draft is finished to create a polished product, my literary masterpiece. The best part is that by writing, I will get better at writing and learn how to create that easy flow I dream my novel will one day encompass.

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The idea that it is okay to make mistakes is life-changing for me. I'm not perfect, I never have been, nor will I ever be. So why not embrace it? Why not live fully doing the things I love? Go out of my way to help others when appropriate, sure, that is part of who I am. Apologize when necessary because I didn't see that coming, absolutely. Hesitate to enjoy myself because I'm afraid of what other's think of me, not anymore. I will emanate exuberant imperfection and most importantly, be myself.

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We all have one life that is summed up in a series of stories, I desire to make them good stories. Nothing is permanent, everything is fixable so I will be flexible and make mistakes creating the life I've always dreamed of.

I Write To Give Myself Strength

I have a confession to make. I am a very fearful person. I try really hard to be brave, but deep down I'm scared. Scared of what you ask. I wish I knew. It was just in this past year or so that I realized that this type of fear is actually anxiety. For example, if I say something awkward, I have a hard time letting it go. The same goes if someone says or does something that I don't understand. The problem is, these types of interactions tend to happen on a daily basis. To top it off, I have a hard time standing up for what I believe in because deep down I question whether it is the right thing to believe at all.

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I am doing better. I am now brave more often than not. I am doing things that I only dreamed of years ago, like writing a novel for one. I am stronger in my beliefs and have rebuttals instead of doubts. This partly because of an increase in confidence, but mostly due to asking myself those hard questions and being truly honest with myself in the answer.

However, I am writing this in a moment when I do not feel brave. I often say that writing is my therapy and so here I am, once again at my keyboard just trying to figure out exactly what I am feeling. I don't know if it is strength or desolation that causes me to reach out in this form. Perhaps it is just the simple ability to connect with others in hopes that I am not alone.

I have always been emotional; going from happy to mad to sad and then back to happy again in a span of minutes. I have always had some sort of anxiety in my life, now that I know how to define that feeling of hopelessness and sometimes panic. It occurs even when I know in my head that everything is perfectly fine. In addition, I've always been a people pleaser, which come to find out, is not exactly a good thing.

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These are my struggles. Some days, let me tell you, the struggle is real. I feel like just trying to get through the day is exhausting. Not everyday, thank goodness, but some days are hard. Today was not a hard day, but somehow, I am still here sitting in front of a glowing screen writing to friends and strangers about doubt and uneasiness.

Am I good enough? I don't know how to answer that. On a good day, when I have confidence and wit I would say "absolutely." But in moments like these, all I can say is "I'm doing my best and I won't give up." Some days I think that is all you can say. The trick is to believe it. To keep moving forward, to change and grow and get up ready to try again the next day or in the next moment.

So here I am, a person full of doubt pretending to have confidence and hoping that one day that confidence will be real instead of simply a shield for my uncertainty.

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I am thankful that I have a love for writing. There are so many qualities in ourselves that see us through. Music also helps me, but I'm sure it is how musicians understand the world; how athletes understand the reason for living; how artists express emotion; and how scientists discover whole new worlds. I believe we all have something in us that we turn to when we need to sort out emotions and find direction.

Writing has saved me in more ways than I can count from the time I could string letters together to make words. I have written about friendships, heart breaks, life choices, moving, falling in love, becoming a mother and now about identity, anxiety and confidence. I love writing, and I love this space I've created where I can feel comfortable about being myself, flaws and all. I am thankful for this craft and how it makes me appreciative of all things, good and bad. Most importantly, I am thankful for not being alone.

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Gearing Up For Nanowrimo!

I haven't been writing on my blog much lately. I miss it. However, there's been something else taking up my writing time lately...my novel!

Honestly, I am extremely stoked one minute and pumped to write, but then the next I am overwhelmed with fear of failure. This has pretty much been my entire month so far. That in addition to being sick and in over my head with protests from school budget cuts and transportation issues. The sick part is pretty self-explained, it seems to happen at least one every fall. The second, is a story for another day.

So here I am, taking a moment away from prepping my novel to get some perspective and give my brain a break.

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I am so excited about Nanowrimo (National Novel Writing Month) this year! It is a worldwide challenge for authors to write 50,000 words in 30 days, which equates into a solid first draft of a novel. I have been prepping my novel all month and I am absolutely ready to for the 1st!

I have been looking forward to November for months now and I'm itching to get started. However, I want to try to find the balance between working on my novel and writing on my blog. There is just something about publishing on my blog that helps me feel connected and work out the conflicts going on in my mind. I have always considered writing my therapy and though I love creative writing through my novel, but I need this kind of writing too.

Although most of my thoughts lately are about writing, I still want to write them down and work through them because they are important, a part of who I am. I woke up this morning eager to write and when I sat down with good intentions I couldn't finish a thought or keep the characters and settings organized in my head. It was at this point that I realized that I haven't blogged hardly at all this month.

So here I am, writing on my blog again. This particular post doesn't have much consistency or substance, but I'm writing and communicating the thoughts in my head. Let's face it, sometimes the thoughts in our heads make little to no sense. But, by writing, the creative inspiration can come back to the surface and the chaos can remain at bay a little longer.

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I really appreciate all the people who ask how my novel is going. It is going really well! My goal is to write at least 50,000 words next month and finish my first draft by the end of the year. The next step is editing and revision, which will go through the summer. Then by the end of next summer I will be actively pursuing the publication of my novel. I am very excited about this upcoming year,

I love living through the story in my head. I am falling in love with my characters even as they fall in love with each other. Once I get a good amount written, I look forward to sharing an excerpt on this blog. I also look forward to using this medium to write about the process of writing. It isn't exactly what I thought it would be. In some ways it's easier and in some harder. I'll expand on this idea another day.

As for right now, I am thankful for this place to write and share my challenges and triumphs. Now I'm going to bid you adieu and go work on my novel some more.

Who's Been Afraid to Chase Her Dream? Yep. This Girl. Working On That...

I've started this blog post so many times only to erase it all and walk away from the computer. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time blogging lately. Yes, I know I haven't been much anyway, but all of that was suppose to change...

...let me start from the beginning.

My family went on vacation to the east coast to see friends and family a few weeks ago. I left the city tired, burned out and cranky. More importantly, I was done being tired, burned out and cranky so I knew something had to change, I just wasn't sure what.

Over the course of the two weeks we were away, I had a huge range of emotions and ideas of what to do next. I was impossible for a good bit of that time because I was so uncertain about everything, right down to my own identity.

I knew I had to be driving my poor husband crazy, but he was ever patient with me. Finally just over halfway through the trip we stayed up late one night talking and he asked me a question.

He said, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? Not the cookie cutter answer you spout to people who ask, but what do you want? Think about it. What do you want to do?"

His implication was "What is your dream?"

I really took this question to heart and came up with a conclusion, one that has been following me all of my life.

I want to be a writer.

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His follow up questions were harder, "Why aren't you doing it? What's stopping you?"

Good question. I talk about writing all the time. I dabble in it. Why aren't I serious about it?

What's stopping me?

Fear.

The only thing stopping me from following my dream is...me. I'm afraid. I've always been afriad. Afraid I wasn't good enough. Afraid I would waste time and energy chasing a pipe dream. Afraid I would let everyone down. Just afraid. I've been afraid all of my life. I don't know why; I never have.

Today I am inspired to write this post because I read a blog by Wil Wheaton (yes, the Star Trek guy). Something he said really spoke to me and showed me something about myself that I would like to share.

Wil Wheaton's blog is called WIL WHEATON dot NET and this post was titled Tears in Rain. Click on the links to read it, it is really good.

Anyway, he said this...

"Part of my Depression is this voice that never stops telling me that I suck. Part of my Depression is this constant fear that everyone will know how afraid of failure I am. Part of my Depression is this relentless worrying, in the face of mountains of evidence to the contrary, that I’m never going to do anything that matters."

He put into words all the reasons I never took writing seriously. It is a little voice that says "you suck." It is a constant fear of failure. It is wondering if "I'm never going to do anything that matters." I worry that my daughter and husband won't be proud of me and it is exactly that worrying that causes me to hesitate to do anything at all.

After reading this today I realized something very important about myself. I'm not as afraid as I was once. I still have fear, but I am brave. I am learning how to function despite those fears. Right now, I'm not afraid to write. That is empowering.

In the few weeks since we've been back from vacation, I have made some changes. I went back down to part time at work so I would have more time with my family and I could focus on my writing.

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I am writing!

It seems like such a simple thing, wanting to be a writer and writing. But I had to face so many inner demons to get this far. It helps to know that others, like Wil Wheaton, can understand the weight of that struggle. 

After it is all said and done, I am more happy than I have been in quite a while. And the most rested I've been in 6 months. I have been able to spend lots of time with my family, which means the world to me. I have been blessed to be home with Zoey for five years until just this past year when she went to school. I've missed that time with her and us all together more than I realized. 

And I'm writing. I mean I am really doing it! I havn't been blogging, even though I thought that would be the easier place to start, but I've been working on my book almost everyday. It is such a good feeling to be writing again. I don't have much that I can show to others, but I can see the huge strides I am making in my work and for once that is enough for me.

I've felt a humongous wave of support from my husband and daughter, parents, family and friends that keeps my head high even as those doubts try to flood back in. I'm finally doing it! I'm chasing my dream to publish a novel. I'm done with excuses and feeling guilty for no good reason. Now I can finally write about the act of writing too. What a breakthrough!

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I don't know if anyone else out there experiences some of these same emotions. I've always feared that I was the only one who was immobilzed by fear. I'm beginning to see that isn't the case at all, there are many of us who let those little voices of doubt carry a little too much weight too often. I believe it is time I talk about it. It is when we face our fears that they become the fuel for great accomplishment. This is a good start for me.

In the meantime, I'll be writing!

Amanda

The Writer's Life For Me

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It's been about three months since I've written on this blog. Honestly, it's been that long since I have written or been creative at all. That was a mistake. I have learned at several points throughout my life that I NEED a creative outlet. If I go to long without that type of release I begin to go a little crazy. (Just ask anyone who sees me on a regular basis and they would agree.) So on the realization that I need to write again to make sense of everything that is in my head, I have once again resurrected Tales From A Mother, the blog that has been with me through everything.

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However, the choice to write is easy. Of course I want to write. The problem comes with what to write. One reason I haven't been creative is that I don't feel like I have anything to share. I've been working alot lately and when I'm not working I spend my time with my family. I feel like I've accomplished great feats if I get the laundry done or are able to read a book for a bit. So writing and creating have fallen off the list. It will now get back on and get moved to the top.

I don't know what I will write about. I don't know what I'm writing about right now. But words are coming out and thoughts somehow magically organize themselves as I write.

I couldn't pass this picture up...I feel like this is the truth of my life. Sometimes, I just feel like I am a big mess. That's why I write. That's why I read...It lets me know I'm not the only one.

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"Writing is the painting of the voice." ~Volitaire