Friday, September 25, 2015

The Mortality Realization

On Thursday, September 24, a fatal accident happened in Seattle. A "Duck Boat" swerved running into a charter bus carrying students to sight see in Seattle.

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Ride A Duck is an organization that creates a fun atmosphere to tour a city on an amphibious military grade vehicle that goes on both land and water. The Duck Boats in Seattle, a common sight to see in the city, go through downtown and across the Aurora Bridge to eventually putter around Lake Union. It is a fun adventure that we have been on twice now in Seattle and once in Boston.

Yesterday while going across the narrow Aurora Bridge one Duck Boat collided with a Charter Bus full of North Seattle College students, including several international students, killing four and injuring several more, about eight severely.

I debated about writing on this topic. I couldn't decide whether to comment on it or just let it go and quietly work out my own emotions. Tragedies happen all the time, usually when we least expect it. I mean, there is nothing you can do to prevent something like this. The Duck Boats are all inspected each morning by members of the Coast Guard before they are allowed to operate. Everything was cleared that morning. Sometimes there are just accidents. Sometimes those accidents are fatal.

That is scary.

Like really scary.

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I put my daughter on the bus every morning and wait for her in the afternoon and all I can do is trust that she will be okay out there in the big bad world. I go to work in the mornings and hope the same thing. Same for my husband and my mom and all my other family and friends that I care about.

I actually have a hard time reading the news (and sometimes Facebook) because stuff like this comes up all the time. I have a hard time dealing with mortality. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

We live in a cruel world and life is not a guarantee. I guess that's why I decided to write about this, because I realize that we can't be afraid of the unexpected. It happens, it sucks and there is nothing you can do to prepare for it. But, that just makes life that much greater. We will not live forever. Every moment we spend with family and friends and for ourselves is vital. Both parties on either vehicle in this wreck were looking forward to a relaxing day touring the city. Neither suspected their life would change (or end) that day.

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My heart goes out to all those affected by this accident. There has been a huge outpouring of aide from the community, including the Woodland Zoo and several restaurants opening it's doors and serving food to first responders and others involved in the crash.

A few articles about the wreck:
The Seattle Times
King 5 (Local News)
CNN

And just because life is full of coincidences, I also want to share this video title "Adieu" that we watched last night on "Hit Record on TV" starring Joseph Gordon Levitt. It is in French and about death...just watch:



So take that one last hug before you leave, give that one last kiss before bed and you can never say "I love you" too much.

What is Normal Anyway?

For the last, going on, four weeks now, I've been waiting for that normal routine where I will be able to get so much writing done and I will feel great and rested and well...sane. However, it's been one thing after another preventing my perfect schedule from becoming a reality.

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First, there was a week of free time between summer camp and school. That week was planned for and I looked forward to all the time with Zoey. But then the teacher's strike happened, adding 6 more days that Zoey was home when she was supposed to be in school. I enjoyed the time with her, but we had no routine because she could go back to school any day. So it ended up being a free for all where we looked for things to do and in the end beat her Skylanders Trap Team video game that she got for her birthday with of all that extra time.

Finally, she got back into school, but there was an issue with transportation. For an unknown reason, the bus wasn't picking her up in the morning and arriving extremely late bringing her home in the afternoon. This caused me great stress and time trying to figure out what was going on and what we could do about it. This is still an issue going into the third week of school.

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Just to top things off, my work schedule was changed this week due to an overnight shift to complete inventory. The evening went well enough, but it always messes up my internal clock. It got my non-existing routine off even further because my body has an unusually lethargic process to get back into the order of day and night. I felt tired and off for a couple days after that one. I'm so thankful that I was working part time or I couldn't imagine the stress I would have had during the strike. As it stood, we managed, only sacrificing routine (and writing time).

So now it's been a good three weeks since normal, and only about four weeks since my part time schedule kicked in. I still haven't had this magical time where I can write and get everything else done. I still feel overwhelmed and off balanced.

So, I propose this question...

What is normal anyway?

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I'm beginning to think "normal" is a fairy tale, an imaginary place, that we can only dream about. Thus, I'm done letting my circumstances and timing control me. I'm tired of letting things happen to me. It's time to be proactive! I'm going to sit down and make it work. So here I am, at a computer once again and let me tell you...it feels good to write.

Focus on the other hand is still a problem, but hey...baby steps.

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Looking back on my posts, I'm publishing about once a week. I want to make that three times a week. However, what you don't see are all the words going into Google Docs that make up my novel. That is what I'm really excited about. I still put thoughts on a page, but it is different to really get into the story and spend time developing characters and plot. I'm looking forward to getting into the heart of my story.

And we'll see what ends up on my blog. I love the space for thoughts and rants like this. I would usually hesitate to post something like this, but the more writers and artists I meet the more I see that these trivial things, like real life, get in the way of our creative ambitions. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in the distractions and the quest to balance family, work, social life and the need to express myself creatively. I hope to be encouraging to someone else who is going through a hard time trying to balance everything. This is my outlet, my communication and my way to understand things, including my own confusing emotions. I'm not perfect, far from it, but I'm trying. Sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's hard. But no matter what it is, let's do it together. You are not alone, and neither am I.

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So what is normal? I believe normal is whatever we want it to be. I don't like feeling overwhelmed and my fear is that is becoming "normal." I want to change that. So, here I am writing it down and demanding a change of myself. No more fretting about getting things done. It all happens in it's own time. It's time to take a step back, write it down, take a deep breath, edit what I wrote down and begin all over again.

So here it is...imperfections and all. What is your normal? Does it need to change?

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

The Best Decade Ever...Happy Anniversary My Love!

Ten years ago, September 22 fell on a Thursday. On this day a neighbor and mutual friend of mine and Stephen's invited us both to a pot luck dinner. Neither of us knew that this seemingly insignificant event would change both our lives forever.

2005

Nine years ago, September 22 fell on a Friday. I had high hopes for the day as I traveled from Clemson University in South Carolina to Orlando, Florida to visit my boyfriend who as working at Electronic Arts at the time. It was our one year anniversary and I couldn't wait to see him. What waited for me was a huge surprise: flowers, wine and a ring. I didn't hesitate to say "yes" to Stephen's proposal.

2006

Eight years ago, September 22 fell on a Saturday. We spent the day with family and friends on a beach in Treasure Island, Florida. We said "I do," smashed cake in each other's faces and drifted away on a cloud. I was then, and still am, so proud to call myself Mrs. McCusker.

2007

This year Stephen and I have been together for 10 years. That is a whole decade of living together, sharing life together and supporting each other.

A lot happens in a decade. You become a different person after ten years. Think about it. When you are age 10, you are kid. At 20 you are an adult. So wouldn't it seem logical that at 30 you become something different entirely. That every 10 years would bring a defining characteristic about yourself that you may not be able to define previously.

One of the things that I truly believe make a couple work together over time, besides honest communication, is the ability to let each other change, grow and mature. It is surely true in romantic relationships, especially marriage, but the need is there in any type of relationship.


For the last 10 years that Stephen and I have known each other, he has been playing and writing music. His music is one of his greatest assets, one of the many things that made me fall in love with him. It allowed me to see who he was and how he thought through different events and emotions. Music is how he first told me he loved me. He wrote a song and played it for me at a park in Clemson, SC one week after we met. It was a perfect evening, especially since I already knew I loved him too.

Now, 10 years later, I feel like his music has a piece of me in it. Over these years while we have met many different types of people, lived in many places, worked several types and levels of jobs, been in and out of church, witnessed births and endured deaths of several people we loved including our own three miscarriages. We have also created a life together that we cherish dearly, our daughter Zoey.

2005

We have grown and changed and overcome many obstacles together. I love that I am able to share my life, hopes, dreams, fears and short-comings with this wonderful man who always makes me feel like I am the most precious person in this world. I can do anything when he believes in me.

I has been the best decade. I am so grateful and damn lucky that I found this man that makes me better and loves me with his whole being. I can't wait to see what the next 10 years will hold. And the ten after that...and so on and so forth. I am so glad that I get to spend my days and years with him.

2015

Happy Anniversary, my love! It has been the best decade. It is the greatest life. I love you!

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Life During the Teacher's Strike

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The fact that the Seattle Public School teachers are on strike is very surreal to me. I've heard of strikes before, but I've never truly experienced one. It's never been something that has affected me before, especially since South Carolina, where I've lived most of my life, is a non-union state.

Since moving to Washington, I've realized that strikes really aren't that rare. Although, most of the time, life pretty much goes on as normal.

The teachers strike; however, is hitting us right at home.

I've previously covered the details of the strike and what each side is fighting for so I won't retell that, please see my post "The First Day of School...But Not Quite Yet" for that information.

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Zoey was supposed to start school on Wednesday, September 9. Today would have been her 5th day in school. Instead we are home, trying to enjoy our extended summer.

The problem is this...Zoey was really ready to go back to school. She was all prepared with her new school supplies stuffed into an Elsa backpack. She was ready to see her new classroom and her teacher. Most of all she was ready to see her friends again. I believe that is what she is missing the most.

I am trying to keep my anxiety as low as possible as we go through the days of unknown. The last time the teachers went on strike it took three weeks to get the issues resolved. That is a long time. Negotiations are proceeding, but things seem to be moving slowly. Only time will tell whether the latest agreement will move forward to allow the 53,000 kids to get into the classrooms for the 2015-2016 school year.

A little peek into our mornings lately. I used to do preschool activities like this with Zoey and now she wants to do first grade activities. It has been quite a fun adventure, though I know she will be glad to go to school.

I was all geared up for Zoey to go back to school as well. I was ready with all of my notes and tentative itinerary to get some serious writing done and new routines created. It feels like life just went on pause. It has been challenging balancing everyone's needs and making plans because our information is day to day.

I fully support what the teachers are fighting for, so we are making the best of our time. We're doing a few school lessons at home during this time, including writing in her journal, reading and completing activities in her 1st grade workbook. Seeing her eyes light up over learning and writing again let me know how excited she is about school. It warms my heart that she loves it, not only the social aspect, but also the academics.

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This is at Zoey's school, Lowell Elementary

In light of the strike, I am very thankful that our family has the flexibility so that Zoey can be home and that we do not have to find child care options. Since I went down to part time recently (a decision that keeps proving to be the absolute right choice), Stephen and I are able to easily tag team throughout the week so that one of us will be home and the other still gets all the work needed done in the week. I can not imagine the anxiety level I would have if we had to worry about that aspect of this strike like so many of the parents must.

At the end of it all, I am thankful to live in a place that will fight for our children and also what they need to fulfill their own needs. It is a struggle, but one well worth it. I know for one thing, I will not be taking school for granted, ever.

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Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Burning Man Sculpture Inspires

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Additional Credit: Alexi Panos

I found this piece of art on The Mind Unleashed and it really spoke to me. It was an exhibit at Burning Man this year and seemed to be one of the most powerful pieces at the festival according to commentors.

The description by The Mind Unleashed is...
"The sculpture of two adults fighting, backs to one another...yet the inner child in them both just wants to connect and love one another."

I stared at the picture of this sculpture for far longer than I care to admit just soaking in all of the meaning it holds.

Here is another photo taken at the festival:

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Additional Credit: Ana Luisa
There is a quote by Confucius that often sticks in my head, "Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated." 

That is what comes to mind when I look at this powerful piece of art. All we want to do in this life is connect with others, to not feel so alone. We tend to get upset or get our feelings hurt over the strangest things. For the most part, we are all just bumbling through life trying to do the best that we can. 

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Even when things are going well, we tend to make up imaginary problems, at least I do. We set these expectations or restrictions on ourselves (or others) that are unrealistic and unnecessary. While looking at this sculpture, I am reminded to let go of all the anxiety and guilt and let that inner voice call out. 

We need to reach out to others past social standings, race, gender, sexuality and just love on each other. Why do we hold ourselves back anyway? All I want is love. I believe that is all most anyone wants in life is to feel loved, productive and connected. Just look at all the social media to connect with...but is anyone really connecting?

(This reminds me of the music video to "Alone" 
by Armin van Buuren, feat. Lauren Evans.)


Somehow, over the years, I have convinced myself that I can't be who I am and be loved at the same time. I'm not even sure exactly when it happened, but at some point I realized I was holding back more than I was putting myself out there. I'm learning, finally, that is ridiculous. We are all different, we are all meant to be different. How boring would the world be if we were all the same. However, it seems that is exactly what labels try to create...a place for everyone and everyone in it's box.


I'm done with boxes and labels. I've had a hard time with labels my whole life, probably because I never really felt like I belonged to any. I've had issues with identity too and have often felt like something was wrong with me. But why? I like Joe Martino's idea to let go of the idea of having to "fit in." In a world that is trying to make everyone the same, it is time to stand out, color outside of the lines and make a difference!

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I have a lot of different ideas stemming from the sculpture at Burning Man. Many of them are random and I'm not even sure if they relate. But, that's life. It's random and doesn't always make sense. I'm done apologizing for who I am.

We all have an inner voice inside of us, a soul, that just wants to connect and be remembered. We all fight sometimes, that is the other side of us all being different. I think it is okay not always to agree, but we still have to respect one another and it always helps to try and understand different point of views. 

The longer I live the more I prove to myself that I do not know everything. I absolutely make mistakes, and say or do the wrong thing. That's life, it's messy and hard and absolutely worth it! Because life is also spontaneous, luminous and glorious. I don't want to be afraid to connect or to be myself. In a world where you can be anything...be yourself.

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Tuesday, September 8, 2015

The First Day of School...But Not Quite Yet.

Tonight is the eve of the first day of school! This is one of the most exciting yet nervous days of the year. I've always loved school and thankfully, so does Zoey. She is going into the first grade this year and is so excited to see her teacher and friends again.

However, she might not start school tomorrow.

There are unresolved issues in Washington State, even on the eve of the start of school, that have driven our teachers to overwhelmingly vote to go on strike if negotiations are not complete by the beginning of school on Wednesday, September 9, 2016.

I have said several times that I love this city because they stand up and fight for their rights. I will stand by them now, even though I really just want to be excited about school starting.

After researching the topic, I realized the issues go much further down the rabbit hole than I originally anticipated.

Last May, our teachers had a one-day walk-out to emphasize the need for appropriate funding in the state. It is clear from this response that the teachers are already prepared to make a stand for their own livlihood and the sincere education of their students.

On August 13 of this year, all nine Washington Supreme Court judges signed an order issuing contempt of court sanctions against the State for failing to comply with the Court's orders in the McCleary case (a landmark case for Washington's school children which concluded in an unprecedented step of retaining jurisdiction over the case to ensure the Legistlature met the court's mandate for increased funding by 2018). Because of the Legislature's failure to make "real and measurable progress" towards a plan to fully fund basic education, the Washington Supreme Court imposes a fine of $100,000 a day until the matter is resolved. 

Although the legistration did add some funding to this school year it is sadly lacking in it's progress to meet the constitutional obligation for Washington's school children. The goal for Seattle Public Schools is to drastically reduce class size, increasing teacher-student ratios for grades K-3 and keep it permantently funded. Ideally this would mean 1 teacher for every 17 students by 2018 with the funding to keep the ratio steady long term.

The Seattle Public School District (SPS) and Seattle's Education Association (SEA), the local teacher's union, has been in negotiations since this past May. The two parties have still not reached a tentative agreement, which could mean school will not start as scheduled tomorrow, Wednesday, Septemeber 9. 

Last Thursday, Seattle Public School teachers overwhelmingly voted to go on strike if the SPS and SEA did not come up with a tentative contract before the start of school. Several issues have been discussed heavily over labor day weekend; however, only a very few have been settled. 

The issues:
  • Salary Increase
The starting salary for SPS teachers is approximately $44,000. However, they have now gone six years with no state cost of living increase and five years without a state increase in healthcare. 

The District proposed a 13% increase across 3 years, which includes a state-approved cost-of-living adjustment. The Union countered with a 22.8% over the same amount of time. As negotiations progress, the numbers continue to change. However, teacher's salary continues to be one of the most negotiated issues.

This spring state budget passed a boost in school funding across the state by about $1.3 billion over the next two years. In reality, that gives Seattle Public Schools roughly $40 million over the same amount of time. The Washington State Supreme Court agrees, "teacher pay is key" (Seattle Times).

  • Increased Instructional Time
The District has proposed an additional 30 minutes of teacher instructional time claiming kids need more time with the teacher to significatly advance student potential and extend P.E. and arts music opportunities aiding to meet state requirements. The teachers, who are already unsettled by the lack of salary increase, are reluctant to this new district proposal of more hours without proper compensation.

  • Guarenteed Recess of 30-45 Minutes Per Day
Time alloted for recess in elementary schools varies wildly across the state. Some schools get as little as 15 mins and other as much as 45 minutes per day. The District currently has no requirements for daily recess although the district wellness policy recommends 30 minutes per day. 

This issue is one of the few where negotiations have prevailed. On Saturday, the district and teachers union agreed on a guaranteed minimum of 30 minutes a day of recess for elementary-school students, a compromise from the SEA original proposal of 45 minutes.

  • Increase in Educational Staff Associates
The teacher's union requested more instructional assistants, teacher's aids and an increase for certified substitute teachers. This is another area that has seen progress in negotiations. On Sunday, an agreement to increase pay for certified substitute teachers was reached. This includes an attempt to address the general shortages of substitutes throughout the state.

There are also several issues that have yet to release negotiation details including:
  • Fair and consistent teacher/staff evaluations with focus on successful education (not the results of stantardized tests).
  • More responsible standardized testing (especially in elementary schools), specifically less of it.
  • Caseload caps and workload relief for office professionals (i.e. physical, speech and occupational therapists and school psychologists) in order to deliever required services to each child.
And wait, there's more!

The Seattle School Board is considering legal action if teacher's decide to strike on Wednesday morning. In addition to legal action against teachers and other school employee who strike, Seattle Public Schools Superintendent, Larry Nyland, can also limit or close off educator's access to the school building and suspend the use of employee's sick leave.

The action report states, "The District considers a strike or the concerted refusal to provide contract for services to be unlawful. Such actions causes irreparable harm and disrupts the education program of the District, students, families and others" (Seattle Times).

The Seattle Education Association President Jonathan Knapp responds, "It's disappointing that the school board is grasping at legalistic straws rather than focusing on ways to provide the supports that educators need to be successful with students. We won't be scared into abandoning our commitment to winning a fair contract" (Seattle Times).

The last time Seattle teachers struck was thirty years ago in 1985; school was cancelled for three weeks. 

Now...

I have shared all the facts. (In fact, I remember how much I loved investigative journalism.) However, this is my blog and this affects my family directly. That means I get to share my opinion as well.

First of all, I love Zoey's school. I as a parent and she as a student, had an amazing year last year. That being said, Zoey was in a kindergarten class with 26 other children and no teacher's aid. There was a brief few months where her class had a student teacher; you could see over his time in the classroom how much her teacher and the students benefited from having a second person in the classroom. There should be a teacher's aid in every Kindergarten class. 

I would also advacate strongly for smaller class sizes. Zoey was extremely lucky to have a teacher with a gift of controling a classroom; however, not every class was so lucky. One friend was sad throughout much of the year because the classroom was bordering on chaos. That is not an appropriate enviornment for our children to learn in. 

Zoey also attends a school that gives considerable recess time. In addition, Zoey's teacher often rewarded good class behavior with extra free time. This was a huge benefit to her learning because it allowed time for play, which resulted in more focus within the classroom during instructional time.

I also support the need for more substitutes with cerdifications because one lovely lady made half of Zoey's class cry last year as a subsitute. As a parent, I would appreciate more options in substitutes and ones that are trained, at least mininumally, in how to handle a classroom of young children.

I am so excited for the beginning of school; however, I stand by our school and our teachers and their protests. I hope that negotiations will work out to benefit both teacher and students. I know Zoey's teacher deserves a lot more than she currently receives.

The thing I don't understand is this. We pay tax dollars and millions to support politicians, big business and war, why do we resist so much when it comes to education? These are our children. They are going to grow up one day to rule this world. Why would we not give them every advantage, every opportunity and every ounce of support to build them up every step of the way. I know it seems like "only recess," but the future president is in a school right now kicking a soccer ball at recess. Let's give he or she every chance to be a kid, to learn more about the world we live in from amazing teachers who really care about our kids and allow them all grow into greatness!

That's all I want for my daughter. To learn, to have fun and to become who she is meant to be. It starts here, even if here only looks like school politics. Our children will be great...let's give them the opportunity to show us that greatness.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Who's Been Afraid to Chase Her Dream? Yep. This Girl. Working On That...

I've started this blog post so many times only to erase it all and walk away from the computer. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time blogging lately. Yes, I know I haven't been much anyway, but all of that was suppose to change...

...let me start from the beginning.

My family went on vacation to the east coast to see friends and family a few weeks ago. I left the city tired, burned out and cranky. More importantly, I was done being tired, burned out and cranky so I knew something had to change, I just wasn't sure what.

Over the course of the two weeks we were away, I had a huge range of emotions and ideas of what to do next. I was impossible for a good bit of that time because I was so uncertain about everything, right down to my own identity.

I knew I had to be driving my poor husband crazy, but he was ever patient with me. Finally just over halfway through the trip we stayed up late one night talking and he asked me a question.

He said, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? Not the cookie cutter answer you spout to people who ask, but what do you want? Think about it. What do you want to do?"

His implication was "What is your dream?"

I really took this question to heart and came up with a conclusion, one that has been following me all of my life.

I want to be a writer.

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His follow up questions were harder, "Why aren't you doing it? What's stopping you?"

Good question. I talk about writing all the time. I dabble in it. Why aren't I serious about it?

What's stopping me?

Fear.

The only thing stopping me from following my dream is...me. I'm afraid. I've always been afriad. Afraid I wasn't good enough. Afraid I would waste time and energy chasing a pipe dream. Afraid I would let everyone down. Just afraid. I've been afraid all of my life. I don't know why; I never have.

Today I am inspired to write this post because I read a blog by Wil Wheaton (yes, the Star Trek guy). Something he said really spoke to me and showed me something about myself that I would like to share.

Wil Wheaton's blog is called WIL WHEATON dot NET and this post was titled Tears in Rain. Click on the links to read it, it is really good.

Anyway, he said this...

"Part of my Depression is this voice that never stops telling me that I suck. Part of my Depression is this constant fear that everyone will know how afraid of failure I am. Part of my Depression is this relentless worrying, in the face of mountains of evidence to the contrary, that I’m never going to do anything that matters."

He put into words all the reasons I never took writing seriously. It is a little voice that says "you suck." It is a constant fear of failure. It is wondering if "I'm never going to do anything that matters." I worry that my daughter and husband won't be proud of me and it is exactly that worrying that causes me to hesitate to do anything at all.

After reading this today I realized something very important about myself. I'm not as afraid as I was once. I still have fear, but I am brave. I am learning how to function despite those fears. Right now, I'm not afraid to write. That is empowering.

In the few weeks since we've been back from vacation, I have made some changes. I went back down to part time at work so I would have more time with my family and I could focus on my writing.

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I am writing!

It seems like such a simple thing, wanting to be a writer and writing. But I had to face so many inner demons to get this far. It helps to know that others, like Wil Wheaton, can understand the weight of that struggle. 

After it is all said and done, I am more happy than I have been in quite a while. And the most rested I've been in 6 months. I have been able to spend lots of time with my family, which means the world to me. I have been blessed to be home with Zoey for five years until just this past year when she went to school. I've missed that time with her and us all together more than I realized. 

And I'm writing. I mean I am really doing it! I havn't been blogging, even though I thought that would be the easier place to start, but I've been working on my book almost everyday. It is such a good feeling to be writing again. I don't have much that I can show to others, but I can see the huge strides I am making in my work and for once that is enough for me.

I've felt a humongous wave of support from my husband and daughter, parents, family and friends that keeps my head high even as those doubts try to flood back in. I'm finally doing it! I'm chasing my dream to publish a novel. I'm done with excuses and feeling guilty for no good reason. Now I can finally write about the act of writing too. What a breakthrough!

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I don't know if anyone else out there experiences some of these same emotions. I've always feared that I was the only one who was immobilzed by fear. I'm beginning to see that isn't the case at all, there are many of us who let those little voices of doubt carry a little too much weight too often. I believe it is time I talk about it. It is when we face our fears that they become the fuel for great accomplishment. This is a good start for me.

In the meantime, I'll be writing!

Amanda