The Mortality Realization

On Thursday, September 24, a fatal accident happened in Seattle. A "Duck Boat" swerved running into a charter bus carrying students to sight see in Seattle.

photo credit

Ride A Duck is an organization that creates a fun atmosphere to tour a city on an amphibious military grade vehicle that goes on both land and water. The Duck Boats in Seattle, a common sight to see in the city, go through downtown and across the Aurora Bridge to eventually putter around Lake Union. It is a fun adventure that we have been on twice now in Seattle and once in Boston.

Yesterday while going across the narrow Aurora Bridge one Duck Boat collided with a Charter Bus full of North Seattle College students, including several international students, killing four and injuring several more, about eight severely.

I debated about writing on this topic. I couldn't decide whether to comment on it or just let it go and quietly work out my own emotions. Tragedies happen all the time, usually when we least expect it. I mean, there is nothing you can do to prevent something like this. The Duck Boats are all inspected each morning by members of the Coast Guard before they are allowed to operate. Everything was cleared that morning. Sometimes there are just accidents. Sometimes those accidents are fatal.

That is scary.

Like really scary.

photo credit

I put my daughter on the bus every morning and wait for her in the afternoon and all I can do is trust that she will be okay out there in the big bad world. I go to work in the mornings and hope the same thing. Same for my husband and my mom and all my other family and friends that I care about.

I actually have a hard time reading the news (and sometimes Facebook) because stuff like this comes up all the time. I have a hard time dealing with mortality. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

We live in a cruel world and life is not a guarantee. I guess that's why I decided to write about this, because I realize that we can't be afraid of the unexpected. It happens, it sucks and there is nothing you can do to prepare for it. But, that just makes life that much greater. We will not live forever. Every moment we spend with family and friends and for ourselves is vital. Both parties on either vehicle in this wreck were looking forward to a relaxing day touring the city. Neither suspected their life would change (or end) that day.

photo credit

My heart goes out to all those affected by this accident. There has been a huge outpouring of aide from the community, including the Woodland Zoo and several restaurants opening it's doors and serving food to first responders and others involved in the crash.

A few articles about the wreck:
The Seattle Times
King 5 (Local News)
CNN

And just because life is full of coincidences, I also want to share this video title "Adieu" that we watched last night on "Hit Record on TV" starring Joseph Gordon Levitt. It is in French and about death...just watch:

So take that one last hug before you leave, give that one last kiss before bed and you can never say "I love you" too much.

The Best Decade Ever...Happy Anniversary My Love!

Ten years ago, September 22 fell on a Thursday. On this day a neighbor and mutual friend of mine and Stephen's invited us both to a pot luck dinner. Neither of us knew that this seemingly insignificant event would change both our lives forever.

2005

Nine years ago, September 22 fell on a Friday. I had high hopes for the day as I traveled from Clemson University in South Carolina to Orlando, Florida to visit my boyfriend who as working at Electronic Arts at the time. It was our one year anniversary and I couldn't wait to see him. What waited for me was a huge surprise: flowers, wine and a ring. I didn't hesitate to say "yes" to Stephen's proposal.

2006

Eight years ago, September 22 fell on a Saturday. We spent the day with family and friends on a beach in Treasure Island, Florida. We said "I do," smashed cake in each other's faces and drifted away on a cloud. I was then, and still am, so proud to call myself Mrs. McCusker.

2007

This year Stephen and I have been together for 10 years. That is a whole decade of living together, sharing life together and supporting each other.

A lot happens in a decade. You become a different person after ten years. Think about it. When you are age 10, you are kid. At 20 you are an adult. So wouldn't it seem logical that at 30 you become something different entirely. That every 10 years would bring a defining characteristic about yourself that you may not be able to define previously.

One of the things that I truly believe make a couple work together over time, besides honest communication, is the ability to let each other change, grow and mature. It is surely true in romantic relationships, especially marriage, but the need is there in any type of relationship.

For the last 10 years that Stephen and I have known each other, he has been playing and writing music. His music is one of his greatest assets, one of the many things that made me fall in love with him. It allowed me to see who he was and how he thought through different events and emotions. Music is how he first told me he loved me. He wrote a song and played it for me at a park in Clemson, SC one week after we met. It was a perfect evening, especially since I already knew I loved him too.

Now, 10 years later, I feel like his music has a piece of me in it. Over these years while we have met many different types of people, lived in many places, worked several types and levels of jobs, been in and out of church, witnessed births and endured deaths of several people we loved including our own three miscarriages. We have also created a life together that we cherish dearly, our daughter Zoey.

2005

We have grown and changed and overcome many obstacles together. I love that I am able to share my life, hopes, dreams, fears and short-comings with this wonderful man who always makes me feel like I am the most precious person in this world. I can do anything when he believes in me.

I has been the best decade. I am so grateful and damn lucky that I found this man that makes me better and loves me with his whole being. I can't wait to see what the next 10 years will hold. And the ten after that...and so on and so forth. I am so glad that I get to spend my days and years with him.

2015

Happy Anniversary, my love! It has been the best decade. It is the greatest life. I love you!

Celebrate Life! We Will Miss You Nana!

Grandmothers are joyful, independent, generous, loving, and full of spirit. At least Stephen's Nana was all of those things. I would even go so far as to call her spunky. She was a kindred spirit that would not indulge the foolishness of anyone. She could take care of herself and once even got into trouble by her doctors for excercising too much. Nonetheless, she was fierce, especially about her family and loved ones.

Christmas 2011
St. Petersburg, FL

On Thursday, June 4 we got the call that this marvalous woman had passed away. It was not unexpected since she had recently been diagnosed with cancer wide spread through her body. However, up until only a couple months before her passing she lived independently in her own home. After 88 years of taking care of five kids and many grandchildren, she passed peacefully in her sleep in her own bed with her only living daughter and son keeping her company.

I have been blessed to be a part of this family for the last decade. I remember the first time I met Mrs. Ida, though I have only ever called her Nana. I was nervous because everyone said that she was iron-willed and could be critical, especially when significant others were brought to her. I suppose I could see how those adjectives could describe her, but they were not ones that I would use. I was lucky, she immediately loved me. I don't know if it was something in my personality or my smile. Perhaps even the way that I looked at her grandson that did the trick. Nana was the last test I underwent before I was inducded in the family for good...somehow, I passed with flying colors. And now, ten years later, I am as grieved as her blood family of her passing.

Summer 2010
New Hampshire

Though even now, we continue to celebrate her amazing life and not mourn her death. We will miss her, but she was a flame who would have never wanted to be dampened. She wanted to burn bright right up until her end. And then, she would have not wanted everyone to wail and agonize over her death, but to dance and throw a party. She would have wanted everyone burn as brightly as she did, for the entirety of her life.

I will miss the confidence in which she conducted herself. I will miss her laugh and her eagerness to hear about Zoey and how our lives are going. I will miss her dancing to stuffed singing animals. I will miss her Wedding Soup, which we've made for Christmas several times. I will miss her silent pleasure as she hugged and kissed her grandkids.

Summer 2010
New Hampshire

I am at least thankful that Zoey was able to know one our grandparents. Both my grandmother and Stephen's grandfather had passed before we met each other. My grandfather, who was there along with Nana at our wedding, passed while I was pregnant with Zoey. But at five, Zoey has had many opportunities to get to know Nana and was sad as well by her passing. But she knew her laugh and her love and nothing can replace those memories.

Live Well, Love Much, Laugh Often
(Italian)

Nana will always be alive in our hearts. Her voice will live in the back of our minds, always encouraging and improving us to be the best that we could be. I am thankful to have known and loved this exceptional woman. We love you Nana!

I found this really cool collection of pictures from Easter of 2013. We were all at Stephen's Mom's house in North Carolina coloring Easter eggs:

Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life. ~Albert Einstein

There are so many moments and memories...

People do not die for us immediately, but remain bathed in a sort of aura of life which bears no relation to true immortality but through which they continue to occupy our thoughts in the same way as when they were alive. It is as though they were traveling abroad. ~Marcel Proust

We love you Nana!

After A While

After A While

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.

Written by Veronica A. Shoffstall (at age 19)
Published in Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul

**********************************************

This is a poem I found in high school in a book, "Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul." It meant a lot to me then, it molded my perspective as a young girl just trying to find her way in the world. Looking back on it more than 10 years later, I would say it affected me more than I originally thought.

Back then, this was always a concept I strove to understand. Now, it is absolutely my perspective on life.

I remember a time when every little thing that happened or I imagined happened meant the entire world. It turns out, that just isn't the case. I would look at myself in the mirror and wonder if I was really worth it, It turns out, I am.

I want to say that I wish I could go back and tell myself these things, but they were there in front of me in the form of this poem. It just took time and experience to find my own grace. "After A While" is part of the reason I developed that perspective on life in the first place, it helped me grow up. It let me know that I was not only enough, but also a strong woman with great worth.

I am thankful for things like this that I had when I was younger. It means even more that I can look at it now that I'm older and it still means something special. Life is an intricate weave that brings all of our past and present together to make a masterpiece that is still changing and growing into something even more beautiful.

Believe in Yourself!

Mesothelioma Awareness Day: September 26, 2014

September 26 is a very important day in the lives of many. It is the 10th annual Mesothelioma Awareness Day. That may not mean much to you, honestly, it didn't mean much to me until a brave and beautiful woman, Heather Von St. James, reached out to me to raise awareness for this rare, yet deadly disease.

Mesothelioma is a rare, but aggressive cancer that is caused by exposure to asbestos. What are asbestos? I'm glad you asked. Asbestos are naturally occurring fibrous minerals that were used for many years as an industrial insulation component. Even though asbestos is classified as a known human carcinogen, a substance or agent that tends to produce a cancer, it is still produced and used in America and throughout the world. It can still be found in many homes, schools, public facilities and commercial or industrial buildings.

I don't know about you, but that last fact is a little scary.

Photo Credit: ELSL Law, one representation of mesothelioma victims

Even over 30 years after the peak of its use, asbestos still remains the number one cause of occupational cancer in the United States. It was greatly used throughout the 20th century in a wide variety of applications. Those who are electricians, plumbers, carpenters, mechanics and machinists are especially at risk. Additionally, there is a risk of second hand asbestos exposure if you live with and handle the clothes of one who is regularly exposed.

Navy Veterans from WWII through Vietnam were also probably exposed to high concentrations of asbestos through the engine rooms, boiler rooms and even sleeping quarters of their ships and in the shipyard. This exposure to asbestos often develops into Mesothelioma.

The sneaky aspect of this form of cancer is that mesothelioma has a long-latency period. This means it commonly sits dormant in the body for approximately 20-50 years after the initial exposure. As a result, Mesothelioma is most frequently diagnosed between the ages of 50-70, many years after the initial exposure to asbestos.

Over a long period of time, asbestos fibers slowly inflame the lung's internal tissue and disrupt organ function. Roughly 80% of mesothelioma cases occur within the lining of the lungs. However, there is also peritoneal mesothelioma which occurs in the abdominal lining and pericardial mesothelioma which occurs in the heart lining.

Photo credit: Mesothelioma Guide

This is a very serious disease that affects many thousands of people in the United States alone. This year approximately 10,000 Americans will die of asbestos-related diseases such as lung cancer or mesothelioma. Over 200,000 will be living with asbestos.

However, there is hope! Awareness is the key. The best way to avoid mesothelioma is to avoid asbestos completely, since it is its cause. Nonetheless, consulting with a physician at the first sign of symptoms or if you believe you are at risk can make the difference. Early diagnosis provides a greater range of treatments. Most mesothelioma cases are not diagnosed until the advanced stage giving the patient only on average 10 months to live; however, early diagnosis can quite literally save your life.

Heather Von St. James is a voice for Mesothelioma Awareness. In 2005 at age 36, she was diagnosed with Mesothelioma right after giving birth to her only daughter, Lily. She was only given 15 months to live. However, after a life-saving surgery that included the removal of her left lung, she is not only alive, but thriving. After being one of the few to survive this fatal disease, she and her family have dedicated their lives to spreading awareness of Mesothelioma.

I am in awe of Heather's passion and eagerness to give a voice to the victims of asbestos exposure. I am very thankful to have this opportunity not only to learn about this grievous disease, but to spread awareness and hope for the future. There is no cure for Mesothelioma yet, but awareness is the key to advancements in treatment and hopefully a cure for future generations.

Learn more about Mesothelioma Awareness Day Campaign!
Learn more about Mesothelioma!
Learn more about Heather's Story!
Read more from Heather Von St. James!

A couple additional links about Mesothelioma and Mesothelioma Awareness Day.

In honor of #MesoAwarenessDay, I am giving my voice to victims.

And So A New Chapter Begins

I quit working one week before Zoey was born. Technically, the day before her due date was my last day. However, she decided she wanted to show up fashionably late...five days later, she was born. Ever since we brought her home from the hospital, I have stayed with her. Of course she had her times for playdates, sleepovers, and a special trip with Daddy, but for the most part we spent our days together. For the last five years, my days have revolved around my daughter and how we can get the most out of our day together.

When she was still an infant, I would just spend time holding her. As she grew and became more and more independent our lives shifted, but only slightly. Our days were still spent together. Whether we were at the library or the park, whether we met others there or just spent the time as just the two of us, we spent our days together. Whether we were learning letters and numbers, shapes and colors or how to cook or bake, we spent our days together.

Today is different. Today we won't be spending the day together. Today is Zoey's first day of school!

Zoey has been looking forward to school for two years now. She wanted to go to preschool last year, however, it was not meant to be. So she waited, relatively patiently, until this year. She has been looking forward to making new friends, playing and learning. I was so excited for her with the time had finally come.

During the last year, we have moved across the country far away from our previous friends and family. We also moved away from the school she thought she was going to go too. We did all the pre-registration, having no idea at the time we would move, and she was ready to go. When we landed in our new city, she was unsure of her new school. We went to visit it, she was so excited to know what it looked like. We met her teacher, a wonderful lady who Zoey is already getting along with even before the first day. She made a friend, it was at the open house and she isn't even in her class, but it made all the difference. I am glad she was excited about her new school.

We live in Seattle, WA, now and are taking full advantage of the public transportation. Zoey speaks up one day saying, "I want to ride the bus all by myself." I said that it just so happens she will ride the bus all by herself when she goes to school. She loved this idea. She was ready to go.

There were moments of nervousness, I could tell because she asked a hundred questions. But her excitement won out. I am thankful for that. I love that she isn't afraid of new things and embraces her independence.

This morning she was ready to go when the bus got here. She wasn't nervous or shy...she was ready. When the bus pulled up (and we made sure it was going to the right place) she took my hand and climbed on. She let go without a second glance. With a smile she was off on her adventure. As the bus pulled away her eyes were wild with wonder. She got to ride the bus all by herself.

I think she will love school. She gets to go on the playground first thing. She has no trouble making friends and getting along with kids. She is a sponge when it comes to learning. The school has a wonderful atmosphere with people who really care about the kids. I hope she has a magnificent day.

Today is a day like no other. Today is the beginning of a whole new chapter in our lives. Zoey is in school now. I no longer have my shadow. She has come into her own self and it now lighting up the world around her all on her own. I am so proud of her.

I sit now on my computer writing and thinking. I'm trying not to wonder to much if she is having a good time. If she has found her friend again. If she is obeying her teacher. If she will remember where her snack is. I won't be there to tell her, she'll have to figure it out on her own. And I know she will. I know there will be others there to help her, just as she helps her friends. These thoughts fill my heart to overflowing. I know she knows what to do and that she will do it.

I sit here with a million things on my mind to do. I've been waiting for her to go to school so I could get several things accomplished without interruption. Keeping this blog updated is one of them. But I sit here, sipping coffee and listening to music, and don't really know what to do first. I am full of emotion - happy emotions. I am so proud of Zoey for becoming her own person. Now it is time for me to define myself in a new way as well.

I've been a stay-at-home mom for five years now. That feels like a lifetime (a least of my daughter's life) I would not trade it for the world. However, it is time for a new identity. I don't know what that looks like yet. But I can't wait to find out. Today it starts with a real heart to heart with myself. I begins with a blank page quickly being filled with words. It begins with allowing myself to change. It means taking chances and becoming myself all over again in a whole new way. We redefine ourselves many times in our lives. There is beauty in change and life in discovery. I can't wait to ride the waves of this journey and find out, once again, who I am.

I am constructing my resume to hopefully obtain a job in the near future. I yearn to have time to keep up with this blog and a couple other journal projects I have begun. I am excited to be able to sort through pictures and put the final touches on our house. I can't wait to have time to write again and to paint. I want to do so many things. I am excited about my new journey, just as I am excited about Zoey's.

photo credit

Time is just an illusion. It marks the passage of days and lives. Big changes like this day, this moment in our lives where our daily lives change so completely, that lets me remember just how important every moment is. So today, I am happy to sit at my computer while Zoey goes and has a grand adventure. I will eat lunch with my husband. I will wash dishes and laundry. And I will be waiting when Zoey gets off the bus, ready to give her my undivided attention (something that has been hard to do lately with so many things to do on my mind) wanting to know all about her day.

We have been side by side for five years. However, it is those times that you are apart that make you appreciate being together. I am excited for her adventure and for mine. And when we come back together, we will form a whole new relationship, built on the strength of our five years together. I pray that relationship becomes even stronger than the one we had when we were together all day every day. She knows her Mommy and Daddy love her and we will always be right here when she comes home.

photo credit

I love you sweet girl. I hope you have a fantastic adventure at school today!

What Is Life? A Robin Williams Tribute

Robin Williams was an amazing man. To hear of his passing the past week left an impact on all who ever saw or heard him on the big screen. I did not know Williams personally, I cannot imagine the turmoil that those who really knew him are going through. I do know that I can feel the void without him.

photo credit

Williams had 104 actor credits that spanned 38 years (1977-2015). That is an impressive resume for anyone in show business. I have not seen all of his movies, but there are several that stand out and have left lasting impressions on me and my family.

I did not entirely realize the demons that Williams faced. I remembered hearing that he suffered from depression and bipolar disorder, but those were just words to me. He made me happy, didn't that mean he was happy? The more I think about that question, the more I realize the answer is probably no. Williams was hilarious and always put his entire self out there. That is something that is hard for anyone to do even in a private setting and he did it in front of the entire world. He was either crazy or had an unlimited supply of courage. Honestly, he probably had both.

photo credit

Thinking about these questions and wondering how someone who brought such hope and joy into the world could be left with none, I began to contemplate what is life? Is life just this game we play? Do we focus only on how others see us? Do we take care of ourselves, of our soul, or are we just rushing forward to the next commitment, the next activity.

I have always been one to write things out and to look up wisdom and comfort in words. I love quotes. Quotations from movies, books, and famous people have given me the inspiration I needed to overcome pretty much everything I've ever needed to overcome in my life. Looking back at my many books of quotations, I am astonished at how many of them come from Robin Williams and his movies. While I contemplate the meaning of life and remember a great man and brilliant comedian, I want to take a walk down memory lane and highlight some of his movies and work that inspired me.

photo credit

Still, to this day, the first movie that comes to mind when you say Robin Williams is Aladdin. That probably has something to do with the impression (and obsession) that movie made on me when I was a kid. The things of our childhood never really leave us. It was my introduction to who Robin Williams was. It took me a long time to separate his voice with the Genie, I mean, weren't one in the same? In a way I suppose they were.

But oh, to be free. Not to have to go "Poof! What do you need, "Poof! What do you need, Poof! What do you need?". To be my own master. Such a thing would be greater than all the magic and all the treasures in all the world. But what am I talking about? Let's get real here, that's never gonna happen. Genie, wake up and smell the hummus. ~Aladdin

photo credit

I'm history! No, I'm mythology! Nah, I don't care what I am; I'm free hee! ~Aladdin

photo credit

The next movie with Robin Williams that made a big impact on me was "Hook." I don't what it is about the story of Peter Pan that has always drawn me in, but the idea of link fantasy and reality and finding what it means to truly live sent a powerful message to me.

Granny Wendy: So... your adventures are over.
Peter Banning: Oh, no. To live... to live would be an awfully big adventure.

photo credit

"You know that place between sleep and awake? That place where you still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you...Peter Pan. That's where I'll be waiting."

photo credit

The other movie that made an impact on me was "Dead Poet's Society." I was much older when I read this book by N. H. Kleinbaum and then watched the movie starring Robin Williams as John Keating.

We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?" Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play *goes on* and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?

photo credit

photo credit

There are many other movies starring Williams with many quotations and many memories. To go on and on would be endless. Robin Williams was a man of character, of many characters in fact, that inspired an entire generation. 

photo credit

I don't really have much else to say. This is a man that made many laugh, including me. He made people laugh until they were in tears. He made people who were in tears laugh. Laughter is the best medicine...it can heal the soul.

Here are a few more tributes that touched my heart...

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

photo credit

 

photo credit

What is life? Life is loving others. Life is laughing at anything, everything and just because. Life is precious. Life is short. Life has past you by before you even realize it is in you. Seize the day. Reach out to others. Love everyone (even if you don't like them very much.) Everyone is fighting their own battles, many of which you can't see. Every kind act of kindness is a reassurance that life is still worth living. Life is love. Life is laughter. Now go and live.

photo credit

R.I.P. Robin Williams, 

thank you for a lifetime of laughter,

you will be missed.