Happy Birthday to Half Our Family

Our family (at least Stephen's side of the family) has birthdays clumped in groups, which makes it really easy to visit. Stephen, his brother and his sister all have birthdays in January, so sometime in the first month (usually around the Superbowl) everyone gets together to celebrate.

There are a few stragglers like me whose birthday is all alone in October and Ryan's girlfriend whose birthday is in June. Also, October (our niece) was born the day after Christmas, but she still gets celebrations because we are all together for Christmas. But most of those born into the family seem to clump together.

Everyone else's birthday is in August. That includes Nana, Connor, Kiley and now Zoey. So sometime just before school starts we all get together and celebrate. It seems Nana got three of her four grandchildren for her birthday and the other one for Christmas. This also means we see the family several times 6 months out of the year and hardly at all the other 6. But it works out either way.

When Zoey was born and everyone was down, we celebrated everyone's birthday. It's real fun to celebrate with a bunch of small kids because they all sit in the floor and you can't hand them presents fast enough. They all understand opening presents now and it because a madhouse. It is also over in about two minutes.

Connor turned three this year and really enjoyed getting a batman outfit, which he wore all weekend. He was also very excited over big boy superman underwear. He also got a Bumblebee transformer, which is what he is into right now. He was a very happy little boy.

Kiley turned two this year. She got a couple pairs of clothes, which is perfect for her because she will change clothes as often as you let her. She also got a new pair of shoes, which she will wear whether she has on clothes or not.

Even though it wasn't October's birthday, she got some clothes too. You can't have everyone else getting gifts and her getting nothing. This is not an age that understands "it's not yours" very well. October will turn two at Christmas.

I got all three of Zoey's cousins a little bag of goodies. I wanted them to have something to keep them occupied if we had to be in the hospital while they were here. Thankfully, that didn't happen, but they still enjoyed their goodies. I got all three of them a coloring book and crayons, a puzzle, some bubbles and a small plastic animal. I got the two girls a little baby doll and Connor a hot wheels car. I also got them all sidewalk chalk to share. They really enjoyed it all. They had a good time coloring and playing with their toys. Also, the sidewalk chalk and bubbles were a big hit for the kids and parents.

Even Zoey got some gifts. She got a couple cute outfits and a towel with a bright fish on it. She might be too little to enjoy them yet, but Mama loved it all.

Nana got a card that sang "Face the music" making fun of her getting older. Steve told her four grandkids makes you old and hope you can still hear the music. I told her I gave her the best gift of all - a new grandbaby and that all four of them will keep her young.

I baked a cake and then Connor helped Nana ice it. It made for good pictures and it didn't turn out half bad either. We put candles on it and sang an interesting round of happy birthday. It went something like "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to NanaConnorKileyandZoey, Happy birthday to yoooouuu." The kids blew out the candles and they preceded to cover themselves with their slices of cake.

The day was lots of fun. And now everyone is a year older and things get a little more interesting. And we add a Zoey, which makes our lives a little more interesting and lot brighter.

Happy Birthday Nana, Connor, Kiley and Zoey!

AGM

8.22.09

Our First Night with a Newborn

Our first night with Zoey was...challanging.

My first problem was that I was so overtired that my patience was very thin. This is expected, but still painful. I was trying to breastfeed and I could barely keep my eyes open.

The other problem, which I suppose wasn't really a problem, was that I was unprepared. I had read up on all types of things about newborns from prenatal to labor and delivery to how to take care of them after they're born. However, I did not read anything about what to expect the first night at home. I had no idea what to expect.

We would lay her down and not ten minutes later she would be up crying. I would feed her and still ten minutes later she would be up crying. I had no idea what to do. It seemed being close to me was the only thing that would calm her, but as I said earlier, I despreatly needed sleep.

Thankfully, Auntie Trina took pity on us and came to our rescue. She took her out of the room and I was able to get a least an hour or so sleep. Turns out Zoey's main problem was that she was cold. Makes sense since she is a newborn and was being held by warm bodies all day. Now that she was set in her bassinet she was cold. (We learned out later that our little girl does not like getting cold, or being undressed).

Auntie Trina wrapped Zoey up in some blankets and then gave her some gas drops and a pacifier. We didn't really want to give her a pacifier, but it really seemed to calm her down (and it's better than using mommy as a pacifier - that hurts).

The first night was rough, but we learned some things that first night and have used them since. It's all about learning what your little one needs because each child is different. And it's about having patience, which I did get back after a few hours of sleep.

AGM

8.21.09

Coming Home with Zoey

Thankfully, the hospital wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I had never been a patient in a hospital before, so that scared me as much as the birth did. In the end, I didn't have to worry about either.

We left after one full day there. I appreciated the help the nursing staff gave, but I was glad to be able to get back to what was familiar to me. Also, we had family waiting for us at home. My mom, now known as Granny, had come to the hospital and spent time with us since she was already in town, but Stephen's mom and sister drove in late the night before we came home. Since we were home by noon, we just met them at our house.

Everyone was glad to see us and meet little Zoey. Stephen's mom, Nana, was the first to hold Zoey after we were home. She already has three grandchildren, but there's something about holding a newborn that is refreshing. I know I love to hold my newborn, but I haven't figured out what all the excitement is about quite yet, newborns don't really do much. I guess I will understand once Zoey gets to be a little older and I can sleep at night again.

Auntie Trina was also thrilled to meet baby Zoey. Her daughter October was excited to see a real baby come into the house. I was so cute - all weekend she kept asking where Auntie (that's me) and baby were.

The next afternoon my dad, now known as Pops, drove up to see us. He had to work so he came a little later. This is my parents' first grandchild. They were both so excited. Granny had a smile on her face the entire time she was here. They are both enjoying being grandparents.

Later that night Stephen's brother, girlfriend and kids came up. They did not get here until late, but we got a few minutes to visit before everyone slumped off to bed. Uncle Ryan immediately reached for Zoey, it was pretty cute. His daughter immediately reached for the cat, that was pretty predictable.

It was really great having all of our family here. We had lots of good meals, conversation and playtime (with the kids). Everyone loved spending time with Zoey. I was very appreciative of the help and the company, but there were a lot of people in our house - eight adults and four kids. Our house feels roomy to us, but with all those people it felt cramped. I was sad to see everyone go back home, but at the same time I was able to breath a little bit better.

I was lucky because I had no real pains after my labor. The worst I had was hemorrhoids and a bad cramp every once in a while. I was able to play with the kids and take care of my daughter within all the chaos. I was very happy I was able to do this because one of my weaknesses is that I hate to miss out on things.

With as much deliberation as we had about Zoey's birth date, she really was born on a great day. The first thing we noticed is that she was born exactly one year to the day from when Stephen started his job at Blackbaud that moved us up here to begin with. That was a very cool realization. The other wonderful thing was that all of our family was able to come up right after she was born, but they didn't bombard us at the hospital. I really liked my time with just us. And of course, I was able to enjoy spending time with my family and playing with the kids.

I was so excited when we brought Zoey home. Having her in our environment makes her a little more real, though it's still crazy to think we are parents. Now she is home and I can't be happier.

AGM

8.20.09

Pro Natural Birth (without epidurals)

Here is a breakdown of why I support natural labor (without an epidural):

1. There are risks involved such as headaches, backaches, loss of feeling to you bladder and possible paralysis.

2. You are stuck to the bed. You may not be able to feel pain, but you can't move either or feel your legs. I can't imagine my back hurting from the pressure of contractions and sitting in one spot. You wouldn't be able to feel it then, but you would for several days to come.

3. Labor generally lasts longer because you can't feel anything. Also, because you must stay lying down which doesn't allow gravity to give you favor.

4. When the pushing stage comes, it could also last longer because you cannot feel what you are pushing. More often than not, you end up straining yourself, but the wrong way because you cannot feel the push in your abdomen.

5. There is a greater chance of c-sections. This is for several reasons, if you stop dilating your body isn't going to be stimulated adequately by anything but potocin, which could possibly cause your baby stress. Prolonged labor can cause your baby stress. Also, not having the ability to push your baby our can all lead to a c-section.

6. You may feel less pain, but your baby is taking in those drugs as well. You spend 9 months watching what you eat and not taking pain medications just to give in at the last minute when it really matters. This can leads to more "sleepy" babies and less response to parents and breastfeeding.

7. The recovery time is shorter and easier. I was up using the bathroom within the hour. I didn't feel hardly any pain in my abdomen. I had no cramps in my legs. I felt great and was able to move around easily even after birth. (This was my first child.)

*I want to put a disclaimer here that the drugs doctors give you are as natural as they can prescribe; however, they are still synthetic and have side effects. The problem with drugs is that it puts you on a slippery slope - once you have one, you need another. [Having an epidural can lead to pitocin or having pitocin can lead to an epidural].

I am weary of all drugs and rarely use them, thus I would not want to use them even in labor. Different options are right for different people, but this is my opinion on them. My goal here is not to talk down the epidural, but to let women know it is an option, not an necessity. Women have been giving birth without drugs for centuries. It is possible to do and doesn't have to be as painful as it is talked up to be. Some women have a honestly hard labor, but some talk it up so you feel for their pain. I didn't have an epidural and I'm not complaining at all.

Read my previous post for my birthing story.

AGM

8.19.09

I did it...Zoey is Here!

Zoey Evelyn McCusker

Born August 18, 2009 at 8:29pm

7lbs 6oz, 20 inches long

I first want to say that I feel very blessed because I had a mild pregnancy, a smooth delivery and a very wonderful baby girl. Here is that story...

I went into labor at about midnight on August 18, 2009. Thankfully, I was able to sleep through most of the early labor. When I woke about 7:30am my contractions were about 10-15 minutes apart. I had a doctor's appointment on this day at 11am so I called my doctor at 9am when they opened to let her know I was having contractions. She said to just come in at my appointment time (since it would be within the hour that we would leave anyway because we live 45 minutes from the hospital) and she could check me then.

When I got to the doctor's office I was afraid that it was false labor, even though I was pretty sure it wasn't. They took my vitals and then monitored my contractions. They were about 3-5 minutes apart. My doctor said I could go straight to the hospital or grab something to eat first then go. Since we lived so far away, going back home wasn't an option.

Stephen and I decided to go to Arby's that was across the street. It was mostly so Stephen could get some food in him, I wasn't really hungry. I snacked on some fries and drank some sweet tea.

Then it was time to check into the hospital at not quite 2pm. Thankfully, we completed the pre-registration so this part was easy. The lady we talked to didn't believe I was so far along in labor, she said I was too calm. She also didn't think I would be able to complete the delivery without the help of an epidural. Stephen and I just looked at each other and laughed - she didn't know me very well.

I got to the hospital room and settled in and then it was time to wait. They would take my vitals and put me on the monitors for fifteen minutes every half an hour, other than that I was able to move around freely. I was thankful so I could walk, do squats and sit and do my crosswords. I could not imagine being tied to a bed because of an epidural. In fact even when I was lying with the monitors on my back hurt. I couldn't imagine how bad my back would hurt the next few days if I was sitting that way for hours unable to feel the pain.

By 6pm I had dilated to 4 cm. My doctor was about ready to leave for the day so we decided she would go ahead and break my water, hopefully to help speed up the delivery. It was after this that the contraction became harder. I had to focus more on relaxing and staying calm, but I was still able to accomplish this fairly easy.

It was a steady increase of pain over the next couple of hours, but still mostly bearable. At a little after 7pm the doctor checked me and I was 6 cm dilated. Soon after they said that it usually goes a little faster from this point on and to let them know if I felt the need to push. Not 20 minutes later I felt that need and let them know. At this point, the pain was pretty bad. I was losing my control, which was making the pain worse. However, in hind sight, she was ready to come by this point, so this is not surprising.

The doctor came in and checked me again and I was 9 cm dilated. She said there was still just a sliver left to go. After another few minutes she said I could probably push past it. They got the room set up (which felt like forever) and then it was time for me to push. It seemed fast and slow at the same time because I had to catch my breath to try and push her out.

I pushed past that little sliver left on the first push. It only took about 15 minutes for me to push her out. Over about 4 contractions and 16 or so pushes her head was free. It felt like my pelvic bones were separating, which I suppose they were. It was a lot of pressure and I was screaming to let some of it out. When her head came through it was such a release. I did it!

I heard her cry, but for only a second. Stephen cut the umbilical cord and then they placed her on my chest and I wrapped my arms around her. During this time, Stephen had his arm around me, supporting me, so I leaned back on him, holding our daughter, it was a very wonderful moment. Stephen told me that all I kept saying was "You're finally here Zoey, you're finally here." I vaguely remember it.

I held onto them both as they finished up down there. I tore, but minimally. The doctor said an episiodimy would have been a lot worse. While she was lying on me she pooped-a lot. It was really cute. I'm just thankful she waited til she was on the outside.

Once I was all stitched up, I let go of my baby girl so they could clean her off and weigh her. She weighed 7lbs 6oz, was 20 inches long and had a 13 inch head. They also told me when she came out that her arms were under her head making the 13 inches actually more during birth.

I breastfed her just after that. It was not as difficult as I thought it would be. We mastered it fairly quickly in only about a day.

We could not believe how calm and alert Zoey was. She barely cried at all and she was constantly looking around and at us. We were very proud of our little girl. In addition, I was wide awake too. I did not feel groggy or even tired. I just enjoyed my first moments with my husband and my baby girl. I accredit this, at least somewhat, to my drug-free delivery. I was very happy about it.

I did not regret anything about my labor and delivery. I think it went very smooth. I was in labor for 20 hours. I was mostly asleep through the first 5 hours, I was at the doctor by 11am, I was in the hospital by 2pm, my water was broken at 6pm, I was 6 cm by 7pm, I was pushing by 8:15pm and she was born at 8:29pm.

I also was able to deliver my baby completely naturally and drug-free (no epidural or pain killers). I am very proud about this. I used hypnobirthing techniques to prepare myself. Mainly, it was about displacing any fear, staying calm, and breathing deeply.

I was able to keep the pain bearable until the last hour or so. Once they checked my cervix when I started a contraction and my back tensed up and caused me lots of pain. I screamed then and couldn't stop. At that point, my control broke, but she was ready to come so with all the commotion at that point, even that pain was a means to an end. I will say, I would rather be able to feel the pain for that hour and have the next 5 hours to spend in an alert state with my family.

I have a wonderful, supportive husband, and beautiful, alert baby girl and I feel great even just after labor. I could not ask for more. Thank you God for all that you have given me. I feel eternally blessed.

AGM

8.18.09

Still Pregnant After the Due Date

My due date of August 13 has come and gone, this marks the fourth day past it. I suppose it has been such a pleasant pregnancy for Zoey that she just doesn't want to come out into the real world.

I, on the other hand, am very ready to have my baby girl in my arms and not my belly. Up until four days ago everything was bearable, getting harder, but I was tough. Now I can feel my walls breaking down and I don't particularly like that. I can barely sleep at all, turning over is like trying to pull an elephant out of quicksand. I have trouble getting comfortable and if manage it, within five minutes I either have to use the bathroom or my baby moves and the position is no longer comfortable. In addition, those little butterfly kicks that I was so excited about the majority of the pregnancy are now starting to hurt, like wincing in pain hurt.

Now I consider myself a fairly tough person, but the culmination of all of these discomforts and the extension of time is breaking me down. I feel like I'm whining, which I don't normally do. I don't feel like I would be good company to anyone, though I am a little too content with staying home by myself anyway. I don't feel like doing anything. I keep hearing about this urge to tidy up, and I suppose I had that a week ago, but now I don't feel like moving. I am content to sleep, watch TV, work on my puzzle book or read. In fact, I've actually really enjoyed being able to settle down with a good book and read, I don't always have much time to do that. However, overall, I am very ready to not be pregnant anymore and have my little girl safe in my arms.

When my due date originally came, I was a little relieved. It seems weird, but all the pressure was gone. I was so sure that this baby would come early that I ended up getting myself stressed in the days prior. Like I've said before, I got all those things on my list of what to accomplish before she was born done. So now what is there to do, but vacuum for the six-hundredth time. Now that it is several days past the due date, I am too uncomfortable to want to do much. So now, I'm just waiting, and it's getting a little old. Plus, I'm having way to much time to think of what could go wrong...

At my last doctor's appointment we set up a date for induction. It is this upcoming Friday morning, August 21, four days away. It is one week and one day after my due date, which I was happy about because it gives her one more week to come on her own. I'm very torn because I want her to so desperately to come on her own so I don't have to have medications, but at the same time, I so desperately want her in my arms it seems like a long to wait.

I am very dedicated to the idea of an entirely natural childbirth, meaning no drugs, pain killers, or any more medical intervention than absolutely needed. However, having to be induced because she is late coming begins to defeat some of those wishes. I will be frank - this scares me. My biggest fear is having to have a C-section. I know if I do, the doctors are well trained and know what they are doing, it will be over within like ten minutes and I will probably be fine. However, I've not even been a patient in the hospital (which scares me enough) let alone go under the knife in what should be a simple, natural process. So with that fear in the open, the induction worries me because it increases the risk for a C-section to be needed. There are many other little worries that induction would bring, but as far as fears go, that's the big one.

All in all, I just want my baby and me to be healthy. I tell you though, this waiting is definitely straining. Thankfully, I have a wonderful husband who loves me very much that is willing to take care of me and keep my thoughts on having a healthy child and off of the aches and pains even when I'm whining.

So I will keep waiting and if I have to be induced on Friday then at least I can hold that little bundle of joy in my arms no matter how she arrives to me. Our little family will then be a little bit bigger, and we will be happy. I can't wait.

AGM

8.17.09

Questions I get about my Pregnancy

What will you miss the most about being pregnant?

-Feeling my baby kick inside me and knowing that she is the most precious thing to me now.

What can you not wait to do after you're not pregnant anymore?

-Being able to sleep on my stomach and drink a Bloody Mary once in a while.

What do you fear most about delivery?

-Having to have a C-section is what I fear most, but I don't like the idea of having to be in a hospital at all, it will be my first time ever.

Are you having an epidural?

-No. I don't fear the pain of childbirth, the possible complications is not worth the risk. In addition, I want to be able to feel my baby being born, it's a connection that I don't want to miss.

Are you breastfeeding?

-Of course. It's best for baby and mommy; I have every intention of breastfeeding.

AGM

8.13.09

A Look Back on My Pregnancy Thus Far

Sitting at the end of my pregnancy on the EDD (estimated due date), I think it is time to look back on my pregnancy thus far. I've actually had an amazingly good pregnancy. Most importantly I am healthy and our baby girl is healthy and that, in the end, is all that matters.

My husband, Stephen, and I found out we were pregnant 2 days before Christmas 2008. It was quite a good Christmas present. We weren't exactly trying to have a baby, but I stopped taking birth control because we decided it was time to start considering expanding our family. Neither one of us thought it would only take 7 weeks to get pregnant. I'd heard an average of a year or more for the birth control to leave the system. This is not a truth. In fact, by the time we confirmed we were pregnant I was already 6 weeks, which means it actually only took 2 or 3 weeks to get pregnant. Note to self, unless you want to have a baby now, stay on birth control.

But we were ready, or as ready as we would ever be, to have a baby and we were ecstatic. Well I was, Stephen kind of acted like it was perfectly normal and strode naturally into dad mode. The doctor confirmed the pregnancy and estimated the due date as Aug. 13, 2009. Our family was so excited. For my family, it is the first grandchild (since I am an only child) so they immediately went into spoil grandbaby mode. For Stephen's family, it is the fourth grandchild, so though not the elated response, they were very excited for a new baby, especially since it was mine and Stephen's first baby.

I immediately went out and bought a pack of gender neutral onesizes and started thinking about nurseries and everything else that goes along with a baby. We told all our friends and family, who were very happy for us, and then pretty much continued on with life for a while. For the first few months I had morning sickness, which isn't being sick just in the morning I promise. I didn't vomit often, but I felt nauseous and generally crappy for a while everyday. Thankfully, it didn't last past the first trimester.

I was 11 weeks pregnant when I got into the first car accident I had ever been in. I was driving to work and Ram truck pulled out into an intersection where I had the right of way. I was in a 2003 Saturn Ion and was unable to stop. I ran head first into the middle of his truck right between the cab and bed. His truck got a small ding and the running board fell off. My car faired a little worse. The engine actually brushed under his truck, which cleaved the radiator and pushed the engine back into the firewall. Now I was fine. I probably should have mentioned that earlier. I got a couple bruises on my legs where the engine hit and where my seat belt caught my shoulder, but other than that no physical damage to me. I got an ultrasound and the baby was fine too, the heart beat was strong and I was told not to worry. A scary experience, but in the end everything was okay. The car on the other hand was totalled and we were faced with our first problem concerning vehicles.

Thankfully, Stephen had an older truck that we put back into commission and I got to drive our Jeep Wrangler. So for the time being, we both had transportation. Now it was time to look around at our living situation. We resided in a nice two bedroom apartment, but it would take quite a bit to get it able to comfortably hold a baby too. We decided to take advantage of the $8000 loan from the government and look into buying a house. Which we did. After much deliberation of price, location and viewing properties, we found a three bedroom/two bathroom house in Summerville. It is a nice location with a sizable yard, perfect for raising a baby. We are planning on staying here awhile because we were looking at high schools for our kids. They will proudly be Green Waves at Summerville High. Thankfully, we have many years before we are raising teenagers though.

After we moved, things went on as normal again for a while. We had our sex determining ultrasound at 18 weeks and found out we were having a little girl. Stephen really wanted a boy (then he could have a Stephen the third and a football partner), but I had a feeling it was a girl. Just like when we found out we were pregnant, Stephen took this information in stride like he knew it was a girl all along. I was excited about our baby girl (now I could dress her up in dresses as well as get dirty in the garden.) We decided on the name Zoey Evelyn McCusker. It means "life." It is unique, yet elegant. Of course she will probably have the same problem I had. When I was born in 1985, my mom said there were no "Amandas," but for a 5 year span, it was one of the most popular names. There are very few "Zoeys" around right now, but it seems to be becoming a popular name over these few years. I wanted to give her a unique name, hopefully it wont become too common.

I had two baby showers: one for all of our friends here in Charleston and one for our families in North Carolina. They were both a lot of fun and we got all kinds of goodies for Zoey. It's fun to see how excited people get over babies. The shower in Charleston was coed and deemed a baby shower/house warming celebration where there were baby games, video games, food and of course beer (except for the mother-to-be of course.) It was a lot of fun and people from all over the area came out to have a good time and wish us best wishes. The baby shower in North Carolina was a bit more traditional. It was hosted by my aunt and we had a luncheon followed by games and goodies for Zoey. It was nice that they wanted to do something special for me and I don't get to see them very often. Stephen spent the afternoon with the other males in my family, which sounded like it was an adventure. Afterward, we spend some time with Stephen's family too, who live somewhat close by. It was a good weekend overall spending time with family and celebrating our Zoey coming. That weekend was also father's day, which I celebrated by giving Stephen a book for Zoey title "Daddy's Lullaby." It was precious and I know Stephen will make a great daddy.

The other big thing that happened while I was expecting was that my grandfather (my last grandparent) died. We were very sad to see him go - I was especially sad that he wasn't able to meet Zoey, but I know he wouldn't want to stick around suffering, so he is now hand in hand with my grandmother watching over all of us. Zoey will know her great grandfather, I have no doubt of that. He was an inspiring man that stood for love, compassion, family, loyalty and truth. He was greatly loved by all who knew him. So even if Zoey doesn't always hear his name, she will know the type of man he was by knowing the hearts of those around her.

As time went on, my belly grew, but I didn't really even start gaining much weight until I was about 25 weeks pregnant. Then I gained a lot for a month or two and then plateaued off again. Today being the due date, I have currently gained about 40 pounds. We slowly got her nursery together. We painted it, used my old bookshelf from childhood, Stephen's old dresser from childhood and a chair we already had to furnish it. I was very proud of how it looked and I loved having our old things to pass down to our baby. It was an exciting day when we got all the final things like the stroller, car seat, bassinet/pack n play.

However, when we put the car seat in our Jeep Wrangler we realized that this was not going to be a practical family car. We could not lean the passenger seat back enough to lock it and there was no way a stroller was fitting in the back. We debated briefly and then went to the Toyota dealership to see what we could do. We came home with a 2006 4runner, which I immediately fell in love with. I think Stephen likes it too, even though it isn't a sports car or a truck, it is what we need right now for our family. Nonetheless, I think it will be forever deemed my car, which I am perfectly fine with - I can certainly see myself as a soccer mom in it.

The one looming question for me throughout the entire pregnancy is what am I going to do about work. This, more than anything else, has bothered me unrelentlessly. I am a Clemson graduate with a degree in English. My concentration was journalism including being an editor for the paper, internships and extra classes. Stephen said it best: I got a degree for written journalism right at the time it becomes obsolete. I've tried getting a job in the field since I graduated in 2007 and 2 years later, still no luck. I may simply not be in the right place at the right time, but more often than not I hear "we really like your writing, but this person that just got fired from a job has several more years experience than you who is green out of college," to which I sigh and go on about my business. It is depressing because writing is what I love and I'm not sure where to go from here. I am currently working at Best Buy (something has to pay the bills). It isn't a bad job as far as retail goes, but as always, I hate retail hours that are not conducive to a family and the work is repetitive and for the most part unfulfilling. More than anything else, I don't have to think to do my job...I miss thinking. So when I found out I was pregnant I automatically want to stay home with the baby. However, I don't think we are at a point in our lives where we can financially do this. And now I'm thinking, when my children get older, I want them to be proud at what their mom does, and they aren't going to be proud of it if I'm not. Thus, I am faced with another impasse - what do I do now? Since this is a cross roads in life and I have 3 months (thank you maternity leave) to look into what I can do, what do I do? So that is the question without an answer. I'm going to leave it there for now, but warning, it will probably come up again.

Overall, I've had a very active and healthy pregnancy. All of the tests have come back negative, especially the one for gestational diabetes (which I thank God for because it runs in my family) and both baby and I are healthy. I continued to work and do mostly normal things including exercising and traveling for all of the nine months. I didn't leave for maternity leave until the beginning of August at 38 weeks (9 1/2 months). I left then an not later mainly because I was overtired, I could have possibly stayed longer physically, but I appreciate my sanity as well (see previous paragraph about happiness about work.) For the past week I've been resting mainly, but also getting the house ready to bring an infant into as well as our extended family who are planning to come down. I needed that week and now, I'm just content to be, although the anticipation and waiting for Zoey to come isn't high on the list, I'll be happy and relaxed when she decides to come.

So that's the long and short of it...okay, mostly the long. I've been very blessed throughout this pregnancy. Lots of changes, but all for the better. We have lots of friends and family checking in to see how it is all going. I get to repeat myself often, but I love knowing so many care.

Our family is becoming a little bigger and our love for each other has only grown stronger. Welcome little one into our home - I think you will like it here with us. We are a little nutty, but life is fun so come on and enjoy the ride.

AGM

8.13.09

Today is Zoey's Due Date

Today is Zoey's due date and with that hallmark comes a whole range of emotions. We've been ready for her to come for almost 2 weeks, so it is a little disappointing that the day is here and we still have no baby. On the other hand, I feel like the pressure is gone. That seems opposite to me, that there should be pressure now that the baby is "late," but not for me. I kept thinking she was going to come early and now that she made her due date, she can come whenever she wants. Besides, she won't be late for another 2 weeks and we will definately have her before then.

We have an induction date set for Aug. 21 (the 41st week of gestation), so there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I would love for her to come on her own sooner than that, but one way or another she will be born one week from now. That is a relief to me. I have concluded that I am no good with anticipation, so having a countdown is very good for the mommy. Even Stephen is a little on edge, at least he jumps every time I say ow. This was especially funny when I stumped my toe in the bedroom and he came running asking if I had a contraction.

I actually did have a contraction today...at least I think I did. At least I felt a lot of pressure on my cervix accompanied with pain. She might have just moved funny, it might have been a braxton-hix or it could have actually been a real contraction - I don't really know. Nonetheless, I take it as a good sign, at least she knows she can't say couped up in my belly forever. It can't be comfortable all squished like she is. I know my abdomen as a kickboxing bag isn't very comfortable.

AGM

8.13.09

Finding Patience in Pregnancy

So I have concluded that kids teach you patience even before they are born. As a mother-to-be, I am learning all kinds of patience. Since I found out I was pregnant with my first child Christmas of 2008, I've had to find patience with my body as it is constantly changing. I've also had to find patience for those around me when my hormones flare and I don't even know what I want. And now, as my due date approaches I am finding patience to let this little one come when she is ready.

My estimated due date is August 13. That is still 5 days away, but the bags are packed, the car seat is securely in the car and I am ready to give birth...any minute...really any time now. This is how I have come to the conclusion kids teach us patience before we even get to meet them face to face. It also doesn't help that an estimated due date is just that an estimation - an estimation that spreads about 4 weeks. Thus, for me, she can really be born anytime between July 30 and August 27. So I am stuck in the middle, anticipating for the unknown.

I had a whole list of things to do before my baby girl arrived. I was fully prepared to not accomplish everything on that list; however, I was not prepared to complete the list and have time to spare. I am now having to find patience in myself as well so I don't drive myself crazy with anticipation. I figure this will be the last chance I have for myself for a while, so I might as well not pass it up. See, the kid is teaching me patience again...amazing.

It isn't just me finding it difficult to be patience. My husband, though much better at handling situations than I am, asks everyday if we are having a baby yet. My family and friends constantly ask and guess when the baby will come. I know it is mostly in good nature, but it just makes finding patience that much harder.

I suppose it is also more difficult since I am trying to find patience against time instead of another person. In addition, I'm trying to count down to an anonymous point in time. Finding patience in pregnancy is difficult, but then any battle with time is. Nonetheless, I continue to write and keep myself occupied as I take the lesson in patience and wait for a miraculous outcome - a little baby girl.

AGM

8.8.08