Before I was saved, I was extremely fearful, often depressed and way too angry. For a long time, that is who I thought I was. I didn't understand my potential in Christ because I didn't know Him yet. I wasn't sure how I could help anyone else, I mean, I couldn't even help myself.
I remember when my friend, actually a girl I barely knew, invited me to church. I was so confused that I said yes without really realizing was I was agreeing too. But it seemed it was time for me to hear God's truth and how it applied to me because Jesus gripped me almost immediately and He wasn't letting go. I began to understand that God had a purpose for me and it wasn't being trapped in depression. I slowly began to break free in a way only God can do. I began to see what freedom in Christ really meant.
John 8:36 -- "So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free."
However, this wasn't the end of my struggles. Now, I knew Christ, but I was also always looking for the acceptance of the people around me. I wanted other to like me so I could then like myself. Just as I began to step out into my freedom, I found myself trapped in another kind of bondage.
Galatians 5:1 -- "So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don’t get tied up again in slavery to the law."
It was hard for me to find the real me because I was to insecure to ask the right questions of myself or that I was anything special to begin with. However, through this time, God knew my heart and walked with me as I navigated the slippery slope of gaining confidence in Christ. Sometimes I had abundance and other times I was full of doubts.
Joshua 1:9 -- "This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
The Lord calls you to be strong and courageous and to not be afraid. But He also promises to be with you wherever you go. I rested on this verse, I spoke this verse over my life for many years and I still have reminders up around my house of this truth.
Over several years, God sent my people who would build me up in faith and who would show me how to find confidence in the Lord. One of those people was my now husband. He found me when I was still broken, a believer, but not a confident one. The first Christmas when we were still dating, he gave me a Bible with the promise that we would find the answers I was looking for together. And we have been, for over eight years now.
God does not just give us a calling and says, "good luck." No, He gives us the details, the direction, the resources, people to challenge and encourage you and He walks beside you through all of the doubts to bring us confidence through the faithful deliverance of His promises.
Even now, I still have to stop and remember who the real me is, but now I know it is in the Lord Jesus Christ. I know I have a purpose and a calling to reach out to others through teaching and testimony. I know that I am meant for more than fear and depression. I am a beloved child of God who knows peace through His grace and joy through His love.
When I went to college, I never expected to get married as soon as I graduated. I expected to get my degree and then a masters and maybe even a doctorate. I wanted to have a good career and be a confident, independent woman.
Well, God had other plans for me. I did graduate college with a B.A. in English from Clemson University. I was so excited about entering into the work field, but it never really happened. I had lots of experience for someone right out of college with internships and two years of paid journalist experience under my belt. However, when I graduated I moved and lost many of my previous connections and the result was no steady job, no solid career, and it seemed, no confident or independent woman.
I do not have any regrets. I still love writing and journalism, which I use whenever I can. This is why I love blogging so much. I married a wonderful man the fall after I graduated and I could not be more joyful or thankful for him or life we have built together. When we had my daughter, I was able to stay home with her and keep the house and spend lots of time with her. These are especially days that I wouldn't trade for anything. I believe she is who is because of the decisions that lead up to these days. I believe our family is stronger because of surrendering to God's direction even when I didn't understand it.
I'm not entirely sure where God will place us next. I thought I would have a houseful of kids by now, but God had other plans. I thought I should be looking to go back to work, but God seems to have other plans. I'm not sure what God has planned, but I know it will be great. I thought my life would be completely different than it is right now, however, God has blessed me by knowing me better than I know myself. I love where God has brought me and I am excited to see where He will take me from here.
James 4:7 -- "So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."
When you surrender yourself to God and walk in His plan for you, you can accomplish great things through His strength and guidance. When we try to walk our path, it can lead to disaster. I thought I wouldn't be confident or independent without a career, but I have so much more than that. I have love, joy, peace, confidence and security in my Lord. I am dependent on Him and rely on Him to get me through every day.
Resist those who tell you that without a career you are not influential. That is the enemy speaking, trying to lead you away from God and the peace He provides. I will never impact the world more than through my daughter and through my relationships with others.
I do not need independence because I can do nothing. But I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13). I need dependence on my God who is stronger than anything this world can bring against me.
I do not find my confidence in my actions, my accomplishments, my failures or what others say about me. I find my confidence from my God who says that I am uniquely made a for great purpose (Jeremiah 29:11). I can be confident about who I am and what I can do because God guards and guides me in His purpose for me, to grant me life and life abundantly.
It is from a place of surrender that we can fully live in the purpose God promises for our lives.
One area of my life that I never feel quite sufficient in is my Bible teaching. I love to write, but when I speak, especially in front of people, my words get tangled up and I try to talk to fast and I feel like I sound like I have no idea what I'm talking about. Often, after teaching or speaking in front of others, I walk away feeling lacking, like I left something important out or that I made my message too complicated. This lacking feeling has been following me for a while, especially since God placed it on my heart to begin to teach.
See, I've always seen myself as a writer, not a speaker. It wasn't until a season of deep dependence on God after my miscarriages did I realize God called me to be more. I wrote about that a couple weeks ago in a post called, "God's Unfailing Love." He gifted me with writing, but now He's asking for more and it makes me afraid. Am I good enough? Will others understand my message? What if they ask me a question I can't answer? What if I forget what to say? What if...? My mind has been full of doubt. However, God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. I have been digging once again for scriptures to erase those doubts and to combat the enemy telling me I am not good enough.
2 Timothy 1:7 -- "For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline."
...God gives me power to combat the enemy, love to cover my flaws and self-discipline to finish what I begin.
Philippians 1:6 -- "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
...God began a work in me to share His light with others, He will carry that mission to completion and I will obey His calling.
1 Corinthians 6:17 -- "But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit."
...I am one with the Lord and His Spirit lives in me.
Philippians 4:13 -- "I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
...When I am weak He is strong. Wherever He calls me to I will go and His strength will be with me.
Joshua 1:9 -- "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
...I will be strong. I will be courageous. I will not be afraid because the Lord is with me always.
Romans 8:28 -- "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
...No matter what happens, good or bad, God has a purpose for it and He can use anything to draw others to Him.
My prayer for every time I speak, teach or write is that God will show His intent for those receiving His message. I pray that whatever words I stumble over or forget to say God will pour out His love to others through my obedience, not my perfection.
Who I am in the Lord is not my doubt or my fear. It is also not my perfection. Who I am in the Lord is a courageous, confident woman who will be obedient to His calling. Who I am in the Lord is a faith that He will use my imperfections to draw others closer to His mercy and grace. Who I am in the Lord is one who can love others because He first loved me.
This has been a very emotional week for me. This past weekend my dad had a stroke. I was a mild one, but still emotional. He is home now and doing well, Praise the Lord!
When I began this week of "A Confident Heart," thinking about past pain, I assumed I would once again speak about my miscarriages. But I pretty much covered that last week in my post titled, "God's Unfailing Love."
Instead, God placed something else on my heart to explore. We all have pain from the past, and yes it is very important to deal with so we can move forward. But what happens to the pain, the struggle, we are dealing with right now?
When I got the phone call about my Dad, I immediately feared the worst. I am so thankful that God had His hand on him and he is already healing wonderfully. However, before I knew that, the fear and anxiety had already gripped me. And for a very real minute, my circumstances seemed greater than God.
Now, I am having a hard time letting that go. I look back and feel shame for that moment. It didn't matter that I was at an emotional low or that the news blindsided me. I am supposed to be growing in spiritual maturity, not failing around in the arms of doubt. I should have gone to God first and believed in the very first moment that God was wholeheartedly in control.
Once the initial shock wore off, I began to pray and I still haven't stopped. That should have been my initial response, to have faith, not fear. However, I had to wait for my emotional onslaught to calm down before I could do what I knew in my heart was all that I could do - pray.
It only took a moment. One moment for my entire perspective to shift. It only took a moment for doubt to come in and overtake me.
Even now that I know everything is alright and that my Dad may even come out of this better than he went in if he upholds his promise to live healthier. Somehow the doubt, that shadow, is still over me. It is like I'm seeing through a fuzzy glass, I can't concentrate, and I am having trouble really holding onto the peace I know God promises. I feel it slipping through my fingers.
I don't want to live in fear or respond in anger. I've been there before and it wasn't good. I want to over come the doubt, I want to keep moving forward.
Just like Jesus when He was tempted, I use scriptures to combat the enemy:
Philippians 4:6 -- "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
Romans 8:28 -- "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
John 10:10 -- "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
John 8:36 -- "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."
Jeremiah 29:11 -- "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Isaiah 40:31 -- "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
I am human. I am not perfect. But my God is. I faulted, letting doubt slip in, but it doesn't have to stay there. I serve a Mighty God who forgives completely. I am weak, but He is strong. I hold onto God's promise of hope despite my pain. I pray to be free - to break through the bonds of doubt once again.
We will continue to be tempted, especially by doubt, for as long as we live. But God has overcome the world and He lives in me. I will keep moving forward, covered by God's love and His strength.
It's been just over a year now since I had my last miscarriage. Three miscarriages over the span of not quite two years. It is a statistic I wish I did not have to claim. Those two years were some of the most lost, frustrating, depressing and doubting times of my entire life. I'd known loneliness and depression before, but this was different, it was my rock bottom. That was the most pain, physically and emotionally, that I had ever experienced. It felt too much to bear.
Why God? Why have you forsaken me?
It was here, at my lowest moment, that God found me. It was while I was calling out to Him in anger that He answered me in love.
God put on my heart one of the simplest and most important scriptures:
John 3:16 -- "For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life."
It is also fair to mention here that this was one of the only scriptures I knew for God to lay on my heart. You see, I knew God, but we weren't really very close. I had Him in my head, but He was about to find His way into my heart.
When God put John 3:16 on my heart, He didn't stop there. He wanted my attention and I was broken enough that He got it - undivided. I was sick of pain and heartbreak. I was desperately ready to be refilled.
God was telling me how much He loved me. He sent His Son to die. Just as my unborn child died, before I ever knew her. God knew my pain. God cared about my pain. More importantly, God knows my baby. My beautiful unborn babies are safely in the arms of God. And He had something else to tell me.
I remember sitting on our back porch listening to the radio and watching my 3 year old daughter play with our dog wishing I was pregnant instead of sad when God spoke to my heart.
This is not about your pain. This is about something much greater happening to you and to all of those that you touch.
I was confused at first. But it sent me into a time of contemplation and meditation and I dove into God's Word with a quest, the beginning of the renewal I was seeking. Slowly, God allowed me to understand.
When God sent His Son to the earth, He knew He was going to die a harsh, tragic death. He sent Him anyway. That is hard to imagine as a parent - it would be impossible to bear. But God is stronger than everything and He makes all for the good of those He loves.
Romans 8:28 -- "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."
There was a purpose. Even though it caused great pain, it had to happen. Jesus had to come and He had to die. It was all according to God's purpose for His people. It was worth the pain to see His people saved.
God expressed the importance of God's purpose. It isn't easy, no one wants pain. But there are times when we must bear the pain to understand that the victory coming is worth it.
God's love is unfailing. In my darkest moment, God sought me out and spoke to my heart. He promised that my pain wasn't wasted, that there was something much greater happening and it was time to get prepared.
Psalm 36:7 -- "How precious is your unfailing love, O God!All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings."
God's unfailing love is #priceless! He comforts us with His love when we feel lost and depressed. While I was in the shadow of His wings I began to read the Bible and seek Him more. It was after this specific comforting that God put on my heart the mission to reach out to others, especially women. My first step was to get more connected with my local church. After that, God put on my heart to begin a daily devotion on my blog, which I am still diligently writing thanks to His grace.
I still look back at that time with heartache, but I know that it was through that struggle that God called me back to Him. I know Him better, more intimately and more enthusiastically than I ever have before. He has begun my mission to reach out and share my ever-growing love of Christ with others. It began with my blog, in my church and in my community. I pray that God continues to show me ways and gives me opportunities to share in new ways and reach different people.
I would not be who I am today without God finding me in that dark moment and wrapping me in His unfailing love.
One of my favorite artists, Casting Crowns has several songs that I have gone to through these difficult years.
One is "Voice of Truth" that I heard on the way home after learning about my first miscarriage. It was exactly what I needed to know that God was looking out for me. The other one is "Lifesong," which always makes me want to raise my hands and sing at the top of my lungs at the wonder of God. And then there is "Praise You In The Storm." This is one of the go-to songs for times of trouble, but it is that for a reason. It is healing and a true reminder of God's love and purpose for us.
"Praise You In The Storm" by Casting Crowns
Dear Lord,
No matter what happens, even in times of darkness, I know that you love me and that you always have great purpose for everything. I will praise you in the storm and I will seek always to be closer to you and your unfailing love! Amen.
I have always had a lot of trouble with anxiety. I don't exactly where it came from, but I find that I tend to worry a lot and I get overwhelmed very easily. I stress out and get depressed and then it all starts over again. I despise conflict. I want everyone to get along and I get upset when I think someone might be upset with me.
I believe that we live in a mean world, which makes sense since it is a fallen world filled with sin. So, these negative things that I have issues with come up often, especially since I am an imperfect woman living in a fallen world surrounded by a whole bunch of other imperfect people.
I've believed a lot of negative things about myself:
Then Jesus got a hold of my heart and He began to change me. He began to make me see that I am exactly how He made me.
Jeremiah 1:5 -- "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
I slowly, over time, began to accept the positive things that God had to say about me instead of the negative things the world had to say about me.
I believe when I am weak, His strength flows through me:
2 Corinthians 12:10 -- "That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I believe God is good!
Psalm 136:1 -- "Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever."
I believe anything is possible when we believe in the power of Jesus Christ!
Mark 9:23 -- "What do you mean, 'If I can'?" Jesus asked. "Anything is possible if a person believes."
You see, what happened was, I got so caught up in what others think and everything I did, would or could do wrong. I forgot about the power of being obedient to God. I wouldn't follow through because I was afraid of the outcome. I would become paralyzed that I would do something or say something that would upset somebody. So I didn't say anything. I didn't do anything. God wants so much more than that for me. And God wants so much more than that for you too.
We still live in a mean world, but I make an effort not to focus on the negative things the world has to offer or to say anymore. Instead, I look at the positive things God has to say about me. I am His "treasured possession."
Deuteronomy 7:6 -- "For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession."
I reach out and bring God's love (John 3:16), His light (Psalm 27:1) and His peace (John 14:27) and hold it close to my heart. I let it fill me to overflowing. I still have anxiety attacks sometimes, but it doesn't consume me like it once did. Now I can look to Jesus and have faith that He will guard and guide me through my journey in this life.
John 3:16 -- "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
Psalm 27:1 -- "The Lord is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?"
John 14:27 -- "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
Always...
Romans 12:12 -- "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."
Building 429 recorded a song called "I Believe" that I would like to share with you.
The chorus is:
"I believe love is the answer
I believe love will find a way."
There are times where I have gotten so caught up in how things are going wrong, I forget to look out for the ways things are going right. When we put Jesus first in our lives, we can see the hope that only He can bring. I do believe that the love of Jesus Christ is always the answer. I believe that no matter what tragedy, circumstance, mistake, or struggle that I come up against, Christ's love will find a way to prevail. God is in control of this messy world we live in and He does all thing for good, according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28 -- "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
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