One More Miscarriage

I don't even know where to start writing this...we are not having a baby, at least not right now.

We went to the doctor right before our trip to New England and the doc said there was no baby. The embryonic sack was there, but no baby was developing in it.

WHAT!?!

I was devastated. I actually wrote a whole entry about it on that day. However, I never published it. We were going on vacation the next day and I decided I did not want to deal with it. Honestly I still don't. I wanted this baby, I want a house full of kids, but it wasn't meant to be, at least not right now.

The only picture of the baby we will never have

Now, I am not so emotionally wound up and can probably write about it better anyway. 

Even though we were seeing friends and family on our vacation, I didn't want to rise concern. I just wanted to enjoy our vacation. And I did. But I had to deal with it again as soon as we got back. The ultrasound showed exactly what I thought it would. An embryonic sac with no baby that hasn't grown hardly any in the past two weeks. No more hope or praying will do anything to change the fact that there isn't a baby and I will have another miscarriage, my third in a row.

The phenomenon is called a blighted ovum or an anembryonic pregnancy. Basically it means that a fertilized egg attaches to the uterus wall, but never forms the embryo within the sac. This is not that uncommon and actually makes up almost half of the causes of miscarriages in the first trimester. It is most often the cause of abnormal chromosomes or other reasons a baby would not develop correctly. This is not anything that can be prevented. There is some great information about this on the American Pregnancy Association site.

So there is nothing I can do but wait. I haven't actually miscarried yet, but it is inevitable. I strongly want to give my body the opportunity to do it naturally as it should. However, I have another appointment in two weeks and if it is still stagnant I will follow through with a D&C to clean the empty sac from my body. If I have to be honest this scares me greatly. Anytime you have to use a medical procedure there is the possibility of complications. Not to mention, I don't want to think about the fact that this is the same procedure they use to abort fetuses. This is silly because I know there is no baby, but it still makes me sad.

I am a very natural person. When I had my daughter I had a completely natural delivery, no pain killers or anything, and I am very thankful that I did. I have passed two miscarriages completely naturally and I hope and pray that this one occurs the same way. I do not like medical intervention when it can be at all prevented. I understand that complications may arise if I let the sac stay stagnant too long, but in two weeks I will only be supposedly 11-12 weeks pregnant so that will pretty much be the cut off of time. If it isn't happening naturally by then it will be time to intervene.

We have talked about getting genetic testing or other testing done to find out why we have had three miscarriages. However, we have one perfect little girl already. I have  no idea what could have changed after we had her, neither does our doctor. I have no other symptoms (even subtle ones) of anything else being wrong. The ultrasound technician assured me that my uterus and ovaries were all in perfect condition. I have no idea why we are miscarrying. Stephen believes that we have just been unlucky three times. I hope he's right. (He also told me to play the lottery because squeezing in the minority of statistics seems in my favor right now.)

I don't want to try for more kids anytime soon. After this all passes I am getting back on birth control and focusing on living and being happy right now. Stephen is making me promise to keep my mind open to having more kids in the next year or two or more. But I'm not sure. I am tired of torturing my body and mind with trying to have kids and failing. I am happy with our one wonderful little girl. If she is all we have I will be happy about that. I realize how blessed we really are to have our beautiful Zoey-bug. Besides, there are always other options to have kids. Adoption has been on our minds lately. It may not be for another year or two, but if we choose to grow our family more, there are other ways that can be a true blessing to not just us, but others as well.

What it all boils down to the fact that this sucks, a lot. However, I have now had time to accept this an make a new plan. In good news this means I will be able to consume alcohol and coffee again. I will be able to eat sushi and other yummy things that I couldn't before. I don't have to worry about not picking Zoey up or playing rough. I can start exercising more intensely and start "Insanity," which I am actually really excited about. We can take Zoey to Disney World next summer because we won't have an infant to worry about. We will have extra money and get or debts paid off faster. I would rather have a baby than all of this, but it is what is keeping be from being incredibly depressed about the whole situation.