We went to the doctor right before our trip to New England and the doc said there was no baby. The embryonic sack was there, but no baby was developing in it.
WHAT!?!
I was devastated. I actually wrote a whole entry about it on that day. However, I never published it. We were going on vacation the next day and I decided I did not want to deal with it. Honestly I still don't. I wanted this baby, I want a house full of kids, but it wasn't meant to be, at least not right now.
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| The only picture of the baby we will never have |
Now, I am not so emotionally wound up and can probably write about it better anyway.
Even though we were seeing friends and family on our vacation, I didn't want to rise concern. I just wanted to enjoy our vacation. And I did. But I had to deal with it again as soon as we got back. The ultrasound showed exactly what I thought it would. An embryonic sac with no baby that hasn't grown hardly any in the past two weeks. No more hope or praying will do anything to change the fact that there isn't a baby and I will have another miscarriage, my third in a row.
The phenomenon is called a blighted ovum or an anembryonic pregnancy. Basically it means that a fertilized egg attaches to the uterus wall, but never forms the embryo within the sac. This is not that uncommon and actually makes up almost half of the causes of miscarriages in the first trimester. It is most often the cause of abnormal chromosomes or other reasons a baby would not develop correctly. This is not anything that can be prevented. There is some great information about this on the American Pregnancy Association site.
So there is nothing I can do but wait. I haven't actually miscarried yet, but it is inevitable. I strongly want to give my body the opportunity to do it naturally as it should. However, I have another appointment in two weeks and if it is still stagnant I will follow through with a D&C to clean the empty sac from my body. If I have to be honest this scares me greatly. Anytime you have to use a medical procedure there is the possibility of complications. Not to mention, I don't want to think about the fact that this is the same procedure they use to abort fetuses. This is silly because I know there is no baby, but it still makes me sad.
I am a very natural person. When I had my daughter I had a completely natural delivery, no pain killers or anything, and I am very thankful that I did. I have passed two miscarriages completely naturally and I hope and pray that this one occurs the same way. I do not like medical intervention when it can be at all prevented. I understand that complications may arise if I let the sac stay stagnant too long, but in two weeks I will only be supposedly 11-12 weeks pregnant so that will pretty much be the cut off of time. If it isn't happening naturally by then it will be time to intervene.
We have talked about getting genetic testing or other testing done to find out why we have had three miscarriages. However, we have one perfect little girl already. I have no idea what could have changed after we had her, neither does our doctor. I have no other symptoms (even subtle ones) of anything else being wrong. The ultrasound technician assured me that my uterus and ovaries were all in perfect condition. I have no idea why we are miscarrying. Stephen believes that we have just been unlucky three times. I hope he's right. (He also told me to play the lottery because squeezing in the minority of statistics seems in my favor right now.)
I don't want to try for more kids anytime soon. After this all passes I am getting back on birth control and focusing on living and being happy right now. Stephen is making me promise to keep my mind open to having more kids in the next year or two or more. But I'm not sure. I am tired of torturing my body and mind with trying to have kids and failing. I am happy with our one wonderful little girl. If she is all we have I will be happy about that. I realize how blessed we really are to have our beautiful Zoey-bug. Besides, there are always other options to have kids. Adoption has been on our minds lately. It may not be for another year or two, but if we choose to grow our family more, there are other ways that can be a true blessing to not just us, but others as well.
What it all boils down to the fact that this sucks, a lot. However, I have now had time to accept this an make a new plan. In good news this means I will be able to consume alcohol and coffee again. I will be able to eat sushi and other yummy things that I couldn't before. I don't have to worry about not picking Zoey up or playing rough. I can start exercising more intensely and start "Insanity," which I am actually really excited about. We can take Zoey to Disney World next summer because we won't have an infant to worry about. We will have extra money and get or debts paid off faster. I would rather have a baby than all of this, but it is what is keeping be from being incredibly depressed about the whole situation.
Darling Amanda, I am so sorry to read this :'(
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine how painful this must be. I know how anxious you are to expand your family and you're such a great Mom. There's an old saying, "we make plans and God laughs". I truly believe you will have more children and it will happen at exactly the time it's supposed to. You are very smart to just step back for a while, relax and enjoy your time right now. Have faith that when the time is right, your family will be further blessed.
(((HUGS)))
Amanda, this is Stephanie Mathis- I don't have an account to share with, my cousin struggled with a similar problem (only they knew what was wrong with her uterus) and had I believe it was 5 miscarriages and two of them were twins. It was really hard on the whole family as we got our hopes up each time, but this last pregnancy she had a sweet little boy Jacob, and he is just that much more of a miracle to us now. Have faith!
ReplyDeleteAmanda and Steven,
ReplyDeleteI just saw this online and wanted to let you know that Virginia and I will be lifting you up in prayer. Praying for God's intervention and healing. I cannot imagine what you are both going through right now. We are thinking of you both and praying for you.
In Christ,
Bobby and Virginia Vann
Love you so much. You are one of the strongest and most amazing people I know. This has been very tough on you and each time has saddened you a little more. Dad and I are always here for you. I believe that everything happens for a reason. We may not know what it is at the time or ever, but there is a reason and a plan.
ReplyDeleteMom
I'm so sorry you're going through this. *hugs*
ReplyDelete*hugs*
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're going through this. I had 3 miscarriages and one ectopic pregnancy and it was so painful. Losing babies is not a club you want to be in, and yet we are both members. I understand not wanting to try for another child. I went through that too. You'll know what's right for you down the road, so don't worry about the future now. Prayers to you and your family.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I want to say how sorry I am that you and your family are going through this. I know in these times words don't do much, but I will certainly be uplifting you in prayer. Your positive outlook and refusal to be brought down in this is truly inspiring for those that may be going through this. My mom had two miscarriages before my little brother got here. There are 18 years of age between him and I. My mom had obviously given up on adding to the family and found out she was pregnant with my little brother during my Junior year of high school. There's 18 years between myself and him and 16 years difference between my sister and him.
ReplyDeleteOh, I am so sorry. My heart aches for you right now. This sucks so much!!
ReplyDelete