The Good, the Bad and...Well Everything in Between

I've been thinking about this for days...which I suppose just backs up my point (you will understand shortly).

I want to begin by saying that I absolutely love my daughter. I have since the doctor placed her in my arms, and even before. With that being said - she is really frustrating sometimes.

Sleep Deprivation

I thought I was ready to have a baby. Turns out - you are never prepared for a newborn. The only real struggle I've had with Zoey is the lack of sleep. I am realizing that I am more sleep deprived than I thought. Even now I'm having trouble making coherent sentences (and thank goodness for spell check). I try to nap with her during the day, but it seems all those scientific studies about needing 8 hours of consecutive sleep (the earlier in the evening the better) were right. Even if I can manage to get 8 hours of sleep during the course of 24 hours I don't feel rested. I'm not sure what to do about this except wait it out and do the best I can in the meantime.

Breastfeeding

Sleep deprivation is the only struggle that has affected me physically, but there are a few other things that frustrate me. The most frustrating is being the bottles. As a breastfeeding mom I feel somewhat trapped. It is ironic that I feel trapped and my husband feels useless because of breastfeeding. His feels that way because when she is hungry (which is rather often) there is nothing he can do about it but get me.

I am very jealous because he can leave the house to go to the store or wherever on a whim. I, on the other hand, can't go anywhere without stopping to check when the last time she ate, then I have to feed her which can take anywhere from 15-45 minutes so I don't want to go out anymore anyway, and even then if she has a full belly I can only be gone a maximum of 2 hours and I wouldn't even risk that long. If I take her with me it's the same battle plus more prep time. It is very frustrating. I feel tied to the house by a string when all I want is to get out and have a little bit of time to relax in another environment. I don't mind taking her with me, but if I just want to go to the library, for example, it seems silly to strap her up to go when someone else is here and I should only be gone 30 minutes or so.

The other thing that is frustrating about breastfeeding is that I have to stop whatever I am doing when she is hungry (and she is not patient when she is hungry). Most of the time I don't mind, but the other day I was in the middle of cooking dinner and she started sounding off. So I could either let her scream (which isn't something I tend to do) or stop cooking which puts off dinner by like 30 minutes while the food burns or gets cold. This is extremely frustrating. Thankfully, Stephen has been here to help so far, but next week he's off to work for good so I'll have to figure it all out on my own.

Also, she often wants to eat just as I'm about to eat. This is something that we have joked about for years with various nephews and nieces, but it is even more frustrating while breastfeeding. There are just some things I can't eat while I am feeding her, for example, chicken wings.

So even after all this complaining about the inconveniences of breastfeeding, I won't result with using formula. I want to, I very much want to, but breastfeeding really is so much better for Zoey and me that I won't give it up. I am however going to need to figure out a game plan as life is slowly beginning to return to normal (at least it isn't on slow mode anymore) and the ever looming time when I will have to go back to work.

I've been trying to pump milk, but it isn't really going very smoothly. The worst part is that the pump hurts my breasts, much more than Zoey ever has feeding. The other part is that the breast pump doesn't really seem to be that good. I pump for as long as I would feed and it barely gets over an ounce. It says it will only get 1-3 ounces at one time, but I can still feel milk in my breast but it isn't pumping it out anymore even on the maximum suction. I'm also not a hundred percent sure if this is normal or a malfunction of the pump. I do know that when Zoey is given that amount of milk she is still hungry. Which then brings up the question if I can't pump enough milk for her when I do need to be away then can I go back to work or will we need to supplement formula for those times?

My Body

The other thing that has been frustrating me lately is my body. I was never self-conscious of my body while I was pregnant, but then again the belly hid the love-handles very well. Now that the baby is outside my belly, my love handles are prominent and so is all the extra skin. This has been bothering me more and more, especially since Zoey will be a month old this week and I am still no where near getting back into my pre-pregnancy clothes (not without them looking horribly tight at least and the pants have no hope).

I think it frustrates me the most because I have about two outfits I will confidently wear. Those two outfits are maternity clothes but even some of my maternity clothes don't fit right. Besides, I'm ready to be done with maternity clothes. After thinking about it, I probably should just go out and buy at least one outfit (non-maternity) that fits well and makes me feel good. However, money is a little tight due to the crazy costs of having a baby that it isn't really an option right now.

I can't wait to exercise! I've been walking a couple times and I will continue to do so, but it doesn't feel like it is doing much. I want to go back to heavy cardio and I may be crazy, but I miss sit-ups. However, I can't really do anything heavy until after my postpartum doctor's checkup to let me know my body is healed enough (but that is still over two weeks away). I suppose there is reason for it since I'm still tired, and even though I feel healed enough there is a lot going on that I don't know anything about.

In Conclusion

Everything I have read says that you will feel rested again, you will become yourself again (for the most part at least, perhaps slightly altered, but still recognizable) and you will get your body back (if you work for it). The rub is that it could take a year or more. *sigh* I look into my daughter's eyes and know without a doubt it is all worth it, but I miss feeling like I have a life. I'm sure my husband is ready for my mood swings to stop too, or at least return to "normal." He says (and I agree) that I've had more mood swings in the last two weeks than I had the entire time I was pregnant.

So this has been a venting episode, but there are plenty of good times...I'll have to write about those sometime.

AGM

9.13.09

Exasperating Cold

I have never liked being sick, but with a newborn it is multiplied by ten. Unexpectedly yesterday my throat started aching. It quickly became really sore so all I wanted to do was lay on the couch and do nothing. Unfortunately, Zoey doesn't want Mommy to stay still that long. Something else to get used to with a baby. I just hope whatever I have she doesn't get.

Throughout the day my cold went from aching in my throat to a moderate headache and then to my nose where I couldn't stop sneezing. I'm so thankful that Stephen helped with Zoey since she didn't want to go to sleep again. She finally went to sleep about 1:30am, so I hear. I was able to get some sleep and actually felt a lot better when I got up this morning. (Zoey slept until 6am.) I'm really hoping that it's just a 24 hour bug since it went through my system so fast. My throat hurts this morning, but it hasn't quite been 24 hours yet.

Being sick is definitely more difficult with a kid. All I want to do is lay down and sleep, but she wants to play, eat and be held. It's another one of those things you never realize until you are a parent. I always hear about the kids being sick, but the parent being sick is pretty bad too. Thankfully, I still have Stephen home so he's been a huge help.

AGM

9.09.09

3 weeks old!

Zoey is three weeks old today. It's amazing how fast time flies. It feels like it has been years and merely moments at the same time.

I'm feeling a lot better. I don't hurt anymore. As far as I can tell my stitches have healed. I'm feeling pretty good. I'm still tired a lot, but that is understandable. The only thing that is bothering me now is my flabby baby weight. I was never subconscious about my weight when I was pregnant, but now it's driving me crazy. I'm hesitant to much exercise until I go for my postpartum check up in a few weeks, but I think I might have to start something moderate and least go back to walking.

Zoey is doing great. She already has a lot of head control. She can sit up with support for at least two minutes before her head droops. She loves to look around and will already follow objects with her eyes. She will already put weight on both her legs if she is standing. She will grasps objects when placed in her hand, even if only for a minute or so for now. I'm so proud of our baby girl!

She is very wide-eyed and alert when she is awake. She is so much fun to play with. We talk about things and read books. She's gotten to meet lots of people. Our family have all return to their own lives, but now our friends are starting to visit. She has been really good every time we have taken her out. Even when she isn't sleeping she is quiet and looks around taking it all in.

She actually sleeps pretty good. She will sleep through the night (aka. 4-6 hours straight usually from about midnight to five - give or take) about 30% of the time. I always feel rested on those nights, but I still try to take a nap because I have a hard time going on only 4-6 hours of sleep. I think it is more getting used to a different routine at this point. Stephen and I both have a hard time making new habits when it comes to sleeping. He has been having a hard time going to sleep and I just wake up really hard. It is a lot to get used to, but we have lots of time and in theory her sleeping will get better too.

So three weeks down and forever to go. I look forward to the forever part. She is such a joy to have. There are difficult times like the sleep lost, not being able to get chores done, not being able to leave the house and worrying she will get hurt, but it is worth it and she is so wonderful.

AGM

9.08.09

Sleep Deprivation

So the one thing I miss as a new mom is sleep. (Anyone who has ever had a newborn would agree I'm sure).

Zoey does a really good job of getting at least 3 consecutive hours of sleep, which is great for mom and dad. However, even with that I still feel very tired. One night she will sleep through the night, not getting up at all and the next night she will be up twice. She is so small, I can't demand consistancy of her yet (not that kids are ever really consistant).

I think the thing that gets me most is the inital waking up. I have never been good at waking up immediately to the first alarm. I generally need a few minutes to open my eyes and become aware of my surroundings. I tend to be one that snoozes the alarm several times before getting up. However, Zoey does not have a snooze button and when she's hungry there is no calming her without getting up to feed her. The worst part is just waking up so abrubtly. I hope I can get used to it.

I do enjoy the mornings. I tend to stay away and write for a couple hours and then take a nap with Zoey. I really like the peace and chance to work in the morning. I definatly am more productive in the morning and Zoey is giving me a chance to take advantage of that.

Zoey has also been fighting sleep hard, especially at night. She has a hard time falling asleep, but once she gets asleep it is a deep sleep. So generally, I dislike nighttime and love the mornings (after I wake up a little bit).

AGM

9.5.09

Zoey Sleeps through the Night

I love our baby girl. She is two weeks and few days old and she slept through the night last night! I was so excited, I almost didn't believe it when I woke up this morning. We put her to bed as we went to bed just before midnight and she didn't wake up until 5am this morning. It may not seem like many hours, but those 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep did wonders after 2 plus weeks of broken sleep. I still woke up a little groggy, but I immediately felt rested.

Our baby girl is growing so fast...but sleeping through the night is one milestone I will enjoy. I hope she can keep doing it at least the majority of the time.

Before to long I might even become a morning person. I always feel more productive when I get an early start. I have been enjoying my time in the quiet where I can read and write. Yes, I believe I could get used to this as long as I can continue to get some sleep at night. Eventually, I might even start going to bed earlier.

Hurray, Zoey slept through the night. She seems very rested as well. She's staying awake more during the day too. It is fun to interact with her throughout the day. I'm so proud of my little girl.

AGM

9.4.09