Thursday, June 21, 2012

My Pregnancy Fears

I just found out that I am pregnant! I'm so excited! 

My positive pregnancy test! Hooray!
But then, all of these fears come out. Let me explain...

I have no fear of being pregnant. It's hard at times, like anyone who has ever been pregnant will tell you, but being pregnant is beautiful.

My fear comes in a different form. My fear is losing the baby. My last two pregnancies were miscarriages. And I am terrified that it will happen again.

I have one daughter, Zoey, who is almost three. She has been a blessing and a constant light in our family. I had an easy pregnancy with her, a natural delivery and lots of time to enjoy her smiles and kisses.

Zoey and her huge, infectious smile
Last year we were so excited when I became pregnant in March. However, in April 2011 I was devastated when I miscarried at 10 weeks. I wrote about that time a lot which helped me to find joy in God's grace once again.

We waited a few months and then was so excited in November that I was pregnant again. We decided not to tell anyone until the end of the first trimester. This was the worst thing I could have done. After I miscarried again at the very end of December 2011, no one knew. It was so much worse. I didn't talk about it, I didn't deal with it, I just wanted to forget it ever happened. Of course, I could never do that. I was torn up, I didn't even want to try for more kids after that.

As you can tell by the opening of this post, that didn't last too long. But I am terrified that it will happen again. I'm not sure if I can handle it three times. It is too much. My theory is, if I can get all of these fears out in the open, then they won't consume my heart anymore and I can relax, a least a little bit.

My heart's desire is to have a house full of people. It always has. I wanted several kids. I have to admit I get a little jealous when I read about all of these moms who have two, three...six kids. I want that, I want a big family.
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I know that I am still young and there is plenty of time for kids, but having two miscarriages feels like a sign that it will not happen. I pray that it will.

I am really early in my pregnancy. I am only 5 weeks. I have already set appointments to talk with a nurse next week and to see my doctor in two weeks (the earliest they can accurately detect the baby). I am nervous and excited at the same time.

I ask for prayers to cover this baby. I pray that he or she is healthy, intelligent and strong. Most importantly, I pray that he or she is born. The due date is estimated as February 17. Zoey would be three and a half years old then. I hope and pray that we can introduce our new bundle of joy into the world then.

So there it is...my fears all out there for all to see and read. The Devil can not distract me with those fears anymore. I am at peace with the two babies that are already in the arms of Jesus.

Photo Credit

I know it is really early to announce my pregnancy, but I want to shout it from the rooftops! I am so blessed to have another chance to give birth. I want to share this joyous news to everyone so we can celebrate this blessing. I want everyone to know so I have to deal with whatever happens. I ask for prayer warriors to say a small prayer for this unborn baby and my family. 

I want my fears to completely leave me so I can simply enjoy being pregnant. I am praying with God continually and through my quiet time I understand that this is the next step to make that reality. To admit my fears and proclaim to the world and Satan that these fears will not control me. I am beautiful in God's eyes and all of my babies are worth everything to me.

I thank God for this forum and the beautiful people I connect with who are inspiring and Godly women (and men). I'm going to stop talking now because I have run out of things to say. But I pray for God to allow this baby to be welcomed into the world in 9 months as a beautiful addition to our family. I know he or she will always be God's child, but I would love to hold him or her in my arms and to watch and guide him or her as he or she grows up.

1 comment:

  1. Amanda,
    Your heart is beautiful. I can't imagine going through what you have been through with 2 miscarriages. You will never forget those babies and they will watch over you and greet you again one day. I will pray hard that this will be a full term, happy, healthy little baby for you. Try to get some rest and keep your mind on happy thoughts and things. You are a great mother and your family will be blessed.
    Love, Stacy

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