Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Miscarriage Completion and Musings on Life

My miscarriage is done, complete, finished--finally. I am so thankful! We had our last Ob-gyn appointment yesterday, which confirmed that the miscarriage completely passed. As soon as I rest up some over the next few days I should be back to normal.

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Wow, what a relief. I knew exactly when it all passed as anyone who has had a miscarriage would understand. However, I didn't truly feel the relief fully until we confirmed it with the doctor. When the miscarriage was detected, our doctor inadvertently scared me with having to get a D&C, a surgery that would clean out my uterus. I am a very natural person. I would rather go through the pain than any kind of surgery or anesthesia. This is one of the reasons for my all-natural birth when my daughter was born. It is a huge relief to be on the other side of that possibility.

The thing that gets me with this pregnancy is that there was never a baby. I had a blighted ovum, which means that a baby never formed or was ever going to form in the embryonic sac. With my first two miscarriages I had a peace that the babies, though they died in the womb, were in heaven helping others, seeing God and waiting for us to meet them. (I recommend you read "Heaven is For Real" by Todd Burpo if you haven't already.) However, with this miscarriage, I don't know if that thought is still true. I want to believe that there is some presence for the child I'll never have, but it seems unlikely.

It really questions at what point does a baby truly become a life. Most Christians say it is at the point of conception. If that is the case then there is a presence there, even if there was never a baby formed. However, that is difficult to wrap my head around. There was no heartbeat to indicate life, so is it possible that life indeed exist?

More likely, life begins as the heart begins to pump blood, bringing the soul to life. For most pregnancies that is very early on, within two to three weeks after conception. In other words, the baby's heart would beat possibly before you even realized you were pregnant. Still I can't help but wonder, what does that mean for this particular pregnancy complication?

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I have an over all peace about this entire miscarriage. I thank God for staying with me through this whole ordeal. I am feeling the wonder of having an underlying joy in life. When nothing else seems to be going right, I still feel happy because even submersed in struggle I still have a strong perceptive so see my many blessings. Right now, that it is finally over, I am just glad to go back to living and enjoying all of my life.

I know everything happens for a reason. I have felt since the first miscarriage that I am meant to share these experiences and help others who go through similar struggles. I have more to say on this subject, but for right now, I am simply enjoying the relief that it is over.

What are you opinions on when a life is formed?

8 comments:

  1. Amanda, I'm sorry to hear about another miscarriage. Having had one myself, I understand the knowing when the baby passes. I was happy to be able to bury Nia and know even if her life was short, she would be happy and loved in Heaven. Having had two babies without any pain killers, I understand the desire to go natural. Unfortunately, even after Nia passed, I continued to bleed for 3 months, and had to have a D&C to stop the bleeding and prevent the possibility of gain-green(sp?). But in terms of 'not being a baby', that's deep stuff. I'm not sure what a blighted ovum is. I'm guessing from your description it's as if the process started, but there was no DNA or it was a 'blank' per say, so there was no way a baby could form. It is my belief that our true selves is a spirit, and on this earth, we exist in a human body shell. So, I guess if there was no shell for the spirit to occupy, then maybe there was no life and your body naturally corrected it's mistake of thinking you were pregnant. (Sorry, that sounds a bit cold, just not sure how else to explain my thought.) I also believe, in your heart, as the mother, you should know if there was a new life inside. If you believe a baby was there, then it was. Either way, I'll be praying for your body to come into perfect alignment so you can have all the children you desire. God would not give you the desire to have more children if He didn't want you to have them, as He is a very Loving God. Love you guys and miss you! Jen :)

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    1. Thank you Jen. What you described about the human shell is more along the lines of what I was thinking. But I believed there was a baby there for almost a month, it was a strong feeling. I'm not sure there is an answer, but I'm continuing to pray on it. I am sorry for your loss as well, but your two babies are beautiful.

      It is interesting...as I prayed about the baby (or the not a baby) and God laid a name on my heart--Leah. I've always loved that name, but when I looked up the meaning I was a bit surprised. In Hebrew Leah means "weary." I think God does have a bigger plan for me and these angel babies.

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  2. So sorry you've had to go through this again. :(

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    1. Thank you. It is a tough experience, but I believe God has a purpose and I feel led to share and counsel with others.

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  3. Darling Amanda, again my sincere sympathy that you've had to go through this again:(
    Just a comment. My understanding of a blighted ovum is that the egg gets fertilized and releases the hormones that turn on all the baby making processes. The fertilized egg doesn't continue to develop but all the the prep continues; creating the egg sac (which will become the placenta) and all the hormones making the changes in your body to get ready to carry the baby.
    I think we're talking cell cluster at the point that the fertilized egg stops developing. Whether one considers a fertilized egg "life" or not will always remain a topic of hot debate. I know for that time you feel all those same changes in your body that prepare us to grow a baby! I can't help but marvel at the whole miraculous process that God created that allows us to create new life. I know the pain and frustration you feel with this 3rd loss. I can't help but believe that you and Steve will have another child. I just feel it in my bones. Until then, take care of yourselves. Try to relax and focus feeling better (((HUGS))) Love you guys

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    1. Thank you. I really appreciate the medical, scientific perspective. I definitely feel all of the hormones of pregnancy. It really is an amazing, complex process that happens to create life. I thank God everyday for Zoey. I believe we will have more kids one day too. They may or may not be our biological kids, but I believe there is more for us.

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  4. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. *hugs*

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